How long will you sit until you consider dancing with a stranger?

[tangomaniac]

Since my regular milonga closed , I've been looking for a new milonga to regularly attend. I found one that looks promising. I danced a satisfactory amount the first two weeks but not much last Sunday, presumably because of the holidays. (It seems a lot of dancers passed over the milonga.)

I notice several women who danced a lot the first two weeks but not last Sunday because of fewer dancers. They looked very unhappy waiting for an invitation from somebody on their even smaller "A" list. The DJ explained that some women will dance only from their preferred list no matter how long the wait. It's impossible get on their "A" list.

Everybody has their "A" list but some are willing to expand the possibilities instead of waiting interminably. (If only milongas had countdown clocks like the New York subway so dancers would know when their next partner is arriving. Maybe one day there will be an app like the one for the subway.)

So, how long are YOU willing to wait for someone on your "A" list before you will consider dancing with somebody new?

 

[Bailango]

Your topic description is different from the post. Your post is about waiting to dance with preferred partners while your title is about how long before you dance with a stranger. A stranger would imply someone you haven’t seen before and are not familiar with. That is different from non-preferred dancers that you may not dance with at all or often, but are familiar with because you see them at different milongas.

In Tango, most won’t ask a new unfamiliar face or a stranger. That has been my experience. I travel a lot. I try to go to local milongas when I travel.

At my local milongas, if I see a stranger, I will always try to ask. Try to make them feel welcomed and introduce to my Tango friends for they happen to be around. Some local milongas in my hometown are notoriously snobby and I have known dancers who feel intimidated to go to them. I think my hometown is least friendly collection of Tango dancers of all places I have been to.

Besides Tango, I do dance a few other social dances. Overall Tango is most elitist and close minded when it comes to who ask who. Despite the elitism which is evident, the most important factor that determines number of dances or invitations, is who you know. I see a lot of dancers dancing with other dancers they know, than with a better dancer whom they don’t know. Walking into milonga as a stranger is almost like waking into hostile territory

When I am visiting different city, I will usually spend first 30 minutes observing the dynamics. At bigger milongas in the larger cities, it is very easy to ask. There is always someone close enough to make effortless eye contact for Cabaceo. The smaller milongas (less than 30 people) can be challenging. Other challenge is those milongas where people come as a couple and seat as a couple. Being a stranger you aren’t sure if they are open to dance with you. You have to wait and learn.

Then there are those that I call elite but cliquey dancers. These are amongst the best dancers at any milongas but they will only dance with two or three other dancers while all night, often dancing multiple (3 or more) tandas. As a stranger you don’t know if they don’t dance with others or others don’t bother asking them. Then there are those who are elite but not cliquey. Since they dance with more wider set of other dancers they are often busy. The challenge is to be able to ask them at right time ( before someone else does and they aren’t sitting out the tanda).

Some venues due to seating arrangements and the dim light makes it more challenging for a visiting stranger. Whether the venue follows cabaceo or not is another challenge. I find that a mix bag.

 

[Bailango]

The DJ explained that some women will dance only from their preferred list no matter how long the wait. It's impossible get on their "A" list.

So, how long are YOU willing to wait for someone on your "A" list before you will consider dancing with somebody new?

It makes me less likely to ask the dancers who keep their preferences narrow. That includes dancers who like dancing with me. Or may be it is self selecting. Most people I like dancing with don’t have narrow preferences. There are dancers I have stopped asking because of their preference to dance with narrower set of dancers, some of whom are bad dancers. I think they are rewarding mediocrity.

 

[tangomaniac]

Your topic description is different from the post. Your post is about waiting to dance with preferred partners while your title is about how long before you dance with a stranger. A stranger would imply someone you haven’t seen before and are not familiar with. That is different from non-preferred dancers that you may not dance with at all or often, but are familiar with because you see them at different milongas.

My topic description and post are consistent. My definition of stranger is somebody you've never danced with, regardless if you've seen them before. You don't know someone just because you've seen them more than once.

 

[itwillhappen]

Strangers are on my "A"-list.
The challenge is not to fall back onto the "C"-list.

 

[Gssh]

Depends on the tanda - some sets i prefer to not dance if nobody from a pretty short list is looking for me, others i prefer not to dance at all, but most of the time if a stranger cabeceos me i am more than happy to catch their eye (especially with valses - if i am unsure about how well somebody dances valses seem to be the best choice for me - the structure is so obvious that almost everybody gets at least the basic phrasing)

 

[dchester]

For me, typically somewhere between 30 seconds to a minute, although like Gssh said, some tandas I do view differently.

 

[newbie]

Strangers are on my "A"-list.
The challenge is not to fall back onto the "C"-list.

My follower has this approach too. She will dance with the regulars only if no stranger is available.

 

[LadyLeader]

It seems that loyalty to my dance partners and my promises belongs to my core values. Therefore I start a milonga with my training partners and old time friends. If there is time left i dance with strangers.
I am wondering if this loyalty type of value could be in the background for the difficulties strangers have in western milongas?
The total opposite was a festival in Seoul where the leaders are known to take care of stranger followers. I do not know if it is curiosity or generous host attitude but followers in Asia are traveling to Seoul for a good weekend.

 

[LadyLeader]

My follower has this approach too. She will dance with the regulars only if no stranger is available.

I am curious about how she is reasoning? Are you thinking in the same way?

 

[PaulBunyon]

I am curious about how she is reasoning? Are you thinking in the same way?

If you trying grow and build a large and welcoming dance community and attract dedicated enthusiasts to your hobby of choice welcoming and including new comers is the most effective method.

 

[LadyLeader]

If you trying grow and build a large and welcoming dance community and attract dedicated enthusiasts to your hobby of choice welcoming and including new comers is the most effective method.

This sounds to me more like an organizer strategy. What could the personal reasons be for an ordinary danser?

 

[atk]

This sounds to me more like an organizer strategy. What could the personal reasons be for an ordinary danser?

As a non-organizer who shares that strategy and reasons, i think the original comment already have the reasons/goals

grow and build a large and welcoming dance community and attract dedicated enthusiasts to your hobby of choice

Additional goals include:

* Having more partners to enjoy dancing with
* Enjoying the enjoyment of beer dancers
* Encouraging the development of new dancers so that they will feel even better to dance with[/quote][/Quote]

 

[Gssh]

I have to admit that i am more selfish there - for me one of the main draws of tango is adapting to the unknown and surprising - i like packed dancefloors, live bands, and followers i have never danced with. It is a challenge to my sensitivity and ability to adapt. In the same vein i tend to enjoy dancing with both beginners and advanced followers who shape the dance more, while intermediate and even advance dancers who don't share anything are not as exciting.
I feel one of the drawbacks of leading is that in the end i often only dance my tango, and i am looking for dances where i can find a "our" tango. (this is why i am often somewhat disappointed when talented beginners with their own musicality work so hard to become invisible and featureless advanced followers - i know that this is just a stage before they assert and find their own dance again, but i find it not satisfying to dance with them during that period - it is too much like dancing by myself)

 

[Tango Distance]

Here is a personal reason: Asking that stranger could lead to your getting more of your "A list" dances.

Suppose an event has 10 followers and 10 leaders, and one is a follower stranger. No one asks her, so she sits out all night. You now have 10 leaders asking 9 followers to dance, and you miss being able to dance with your "A list" people possibly multiple times. Forget "A list" for a moment, statistically you'll miss two tandas, and with the statistics of small numbers, maybe more.

Oh, but it gets worse. Scared off by her bad experience, the stranger never returns, leading to a long time deficit of followers! You could potentially miss tens of Tandas and tens of "A list" dances.

Here is the alternative scenario: There is a tanda where you don't see any free "A list" people, or even no one else to ask. You ask the stranger. This breaks the ice, and she continues to get steadily asked the rest of the night. This now means leader-follower parity, so you don't have to sit out any tandas. This also ties up a "competing" leader, making it more likely one of your "A list" dancers is free to ask.

I have personally seen this several times. A new lady shows up, and no one asks her, even to the point of half the night has gone by. Several people have danced 2 tandas or more with the same partner rather than ask someone new. Finally yours truly asks, and people see that someone with the audacity to go to a Milonga where they know nobody is actually pretty good. This person winds up dancing steadily the rest of the night.

Yet another benefit: In addition to this person being more likely to return, she is more likely to praise your community for being friendly and to recommend others go.

For the record I'm not claiming great and consistent virtue; for example in my earlier days I once kept asking only my DW when there were 2 leaders and 8 followers! Hopefully my later actions are helping make up for some of my earlier ones.

If you trying grow and build a large and welcoming dance community and attract dedicated enthusiasts to your hobby of choice welcoming and including new comers is the most effective method.

This sounds to me more like an organizer strategy. What could the personal reasons be for an ordinary danser?