Jealousy and permission to dance

Neither my GF nor I feel the need to ask one another's permission, but I sometimes will ask other people's. I make the decision based on body language: if the couple is very close, nervous, seems out of their element, or is rather young, then I'll ask. If they both seem experienced dancers, confident, or I've seen them dancing with other people, I don't see the need to ask.

I shoudl also point out that I don't ask the man if I can dance with his partner, but if I may ask her. One should never ask someone's partner to make the decision on whether the dance happens, but rather if they have a problem with the possibility. Usually they're fine with it (except in salsa clubs) and appreciate the courtesy. My usual question: "Is it alright with you if I ask her to dance?"
 
Terpsichorean Clod said:
You ask him, too, right? ;)

I've seen people grab their prospect without further word, immediately after prospect's s.o. assents. It seems to imply that the s.o.'s "yes" is all that matters. :?

Oh, and per OP, you've never had to ask DH for permission to dance with others, right? :)
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yes...I ask him as well...and TC...is your OP around? b/c isn't this a very old thread?...i thought you were just bumping it b/c you thought it was a good one
 
In response to the OP, I have never experienced or been a part of jealousy that requires one partner in a couple to ask permission of the other before asking to dance with someone. I also would not assume that jealousy is the factor.

As delamusica pointed out, there are various reasons why people come to dance. I don't make the assumption that because a couple has shown up at a social dance, that they are there to dance with everyone.

I try to get to know the people where I've danced in the past, so I've typically met both people in a couple before any dancing. If I see a couple I know who are only dancing with each other, I have occasionally in the past asked the woman, when she is alone, if she would mind if I ask her partner for a dance. I've always gotten a very pleasant response, and then at some point I ask the man for a dance.

My most recent personal experience is that the majority of those who come to a social dance with their partner desire to spend the evening dancing with their partner (I understand this is different in different places). And the social aspect is, in between dances, they talk with other people. However, if a man is asked to dance by someone else, I've never seen a man say no.
 
I happened to have experience that I asked a lady if it was ok to dance with her husband. I had seen her going after girls who danced with her husband and talking to them not to dance with her husband. It was awful. So when her husband asked me to dance with me, I asked her right away if it was ok. She approved it, but I did not enjoy that much dancing with him because his wife always kept her eye on us when we danced.
 
Ew, never! My boyfriend isn't my mommy, and I'm not his. Having to ask permission to dance is just crazy insecure... and it reads a romantic intent into social dancing that just shouldn't be there (especially if you're already involved with someone).

Ironically, I'm sure this is what most people are thinking when they see me and my boyfriend at a social dance, since we dance together a lot and usually share a chair. I've had strangers comment on it :oops:. But I'm up in a flash if anyone asks... they just usually don't. Doh.
 
There also seems to be a dance culture component at work sometimes.

In AT circles, it is/can be considered the correct/proper/polite thing to do to ask a potential partner's SO if it's OK to ask, before actually doing the asking/inviting. Some people like it (respectful, traditional, etc.), some don't. I don't, but I don't have to deal with it, either.

Similarly, in very traditional AT circles no one will approach a couple (romantic or otherwise) and ask for a dance if the people are together at the time. Others will wait until either partner is alone before asking.
 
a friend of mine who's probably forgotten more about dance than i'll ever know chose to marry someone who not only didn't like him dancing with other women, she didn't care to dance much herself, and so he actually didn't dance for over a decade before they eventually divorced. i still wonder about that. i don't think i could do that.

while i usually don't bother with couples/men who are giving off an exclusive vibe - there is one exception - if i'm in an unfamiliar situation and the female of the couple is the only discernably decent follow there, in which case i will approach the couple and ask if it's ok to dance once - the idea being that if there are any follows who would otherwise have no way of identifying me as a dancer, they could subsequently approach me, introduce themselves, and ask for a dance. that has worked more than once.
 
fascination said:
If I am approaching a married man or a man who clearly came with a date and she is sitting right there, I will still ask if she minds...
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I do the same thing. IMO, I think it is polite to ask and in the times that I have the lady seems to appreciate the fact that I cared enough to make sure interrupting their date was okay.
 
and I also think it neccessary b/c it isn't like the dude is someone who has already come over and asked me to dance...otherwise I wouldn't be asking...so I just like to check with both generally it is sort of an open inquiry...would you guys mind?
 
I allow the married men in practices/parties to ask me, if they want to. I've encountered very few who exclusively want to dance with their wives. But I notice people dance very well with their husband or wife and usually don't want to interrupt them if they're enjoying that. :)
 
fascination said:
yes...I ask him as well...and TC...is your OP around? b/c isn't this a very old thread?...i thought you were just bumping it b/c you thought it was a good one
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I'm pretty sure OP is no longer around. Sorry for the confusion, fasc. I just wanted to make a distinction between asking permission of someone else's s.o. (which has been covered in other threads) vs. one's own s.o. :)
 
so...now I am confused...which are we talking about?...a) I never ask my SO...b) if I don't know the couple well I will ask both of them if it is okay for me to borrow him for a few...not because she owns him but b/c if I have a date w/ dh and my favorite waltz comes on and someone else strolls up and grabs him...well...I would have preferred if she had asked...as certain dances are important and that is why I brought him along :)
 
fascination said:
so...now I am confused...which are we talking about?...
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Both! ;)
a) I never ask my SO...b) if I don't know the couple well I will ask both of them if it is okay for me to borrow him for a few...not because she owns him but b/c if I have a date w/ dh and my favorite waltz comes on and someone else strolls up and grabs him...well...I would have preferred if she had asked...as certain dances are important and that is why I brought him along :)
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Does DH know the waltz is yours?

Anyway, maybe you should make an example of her to prevent recurrence. The hussy...! :razz:
 
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