maintaining your dance space

[BrookeErin]

kind of an offshoot about the question about groping. How do you keep someone from moving in on your personal space. I am sure I have a more difficult time with this because I am more than willing to get up-close and personal with those I know, trust, and/or feel comfortable dancing; so I am likely presenting a double standard. Generally, men are respectful and either let me move in or are cognizant when I back off and we can continue an enjoyable dance, no issue. However, there is one guy I have had trouble with a couple of times. For quite a while, I simply avoided him, but last week (he seemed more sober and) I consented. My hands were on his biceps pushing back through the entire dance and he never quit pushing himself on me. It was near the end of the night so most of my friends were either gone or dancing, so I approached a stranger who'd been watching me to avoid a dance with him not 5 minutes later. This is the reason why some women I know won't accept dances with strangers at all.

 

[alemana]

people with problematic social skills may not recognize your body language (which to me seems pretty clear, but...) in your situation i would use verbal cues, as direct as you can muster. "you need to give me some space. " "don't dance so close." "i'll dance with you this time but please try to keep your frame."

if he still can't manage, he's struck out.

 

[tacad]

In ballroom we have a frame, and forgive me, I get lost as to whether salsa has a frame, and I keep that frame no matter what. I have the unfortunate tendancy to compensate and let them invade. So I have become stubborn. Sometimes if a woman is used to dancing international she will try to dance with body contact. I don't know how and I tell them that I am incapable of doing that and I will stumble all over them if I try. And then my frame comes out again.

 

[honeydragon]

Usually when some guy gets too close too soon to me on the dance floor, I 'tap' out. Meaning.. I use my hand that's connected to his arm and I just pat his arm or his chest to signal .. hey.. i'm getting claustrophobic here. I need some space. I want my comfort zone back..etc..

I usually try to not make a big scene about it. I believe there's gentle ways to communicate things like that. Alot of men don't realise that they've closed in on the their partner in an uncomfortable sense and if you don't tell them, they won't know, but it doesn't have to be told to them in a flat out blunt way to cause disruption in the dance and causing what's left of the dance to be awkward.

Similarly, if a guy on the dance floor suddenly uses a lead where he's touching me where I don't want to be touched.. my butt, thigh, stomach, hips.. etc.. I know all those are legit dance leads, but I don't like them because there are strangers watching everyone dance, and I don't want to give anyone the impression that it's ok to touch me there. Usually when I dance with a friend or a stranger and they touch me in those areas, I can play it off by smacking their hands playfully and shaking my head & finger at them and still continue dancing at the same time. This way, we're still dancing and having fun as if we're teasing, but the smack on his hand pretty much tells him... hey.. you do that again and i'll really smack you.

 

[blue]

in your situation i would use verbal cues, as direct as you can muster. "you need to give me some space. " "don't dance so close." "i'll dance with you this time but please try to keep your frame."

Sounds good to me.

A common advice in similar but non dance-related situations is to first put a name to what he is doing, and after that saying what you want. Something like "you are pulling me too close. I would like you to give me more space". This is straight forward but at the same time not accusational.

 

[Lockstep]

simple thing that the ladies in my class are being taught, to simply lower your left hand (which is usually resting on the man's shoulder) a bit, which allows you to use just a tiny amount of pressure to push the man slightly away. works wonderfully, subtle, and pretty universally applicable

 

[TheLetterJ]

I think simple back pressure should work most of the time, but if on occasion the guy doesn't get the hint, a verbal clue such as "I'd like more space" should be polite and straightforward without being rude.

 

[brujo]

Accessorize, girlfriend!

 

[delamusica]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

excellent, brujo!

BrookeErin - has he ever made any advances on you in any other way? There is a guy at the salsa place I go to who dances really really close, and it made me a little uncomfortable at first. But he's never asked for my number, tried to buy me a drink, or even talked to me other than to ask for a dance. He's never tried to walk me to my car, find out where I live, follow me around the club, or anything else that would be alarming. Just a dance or two per night with an unusually close frame. So I've just come to see it as the way he dances and not be worried about it. If having someone in your personal space bugs you, that's more than enough reason to tell him to back off - but is this guy giving you anything to worry about when you're not dancing with him?

 

[BrookeErin]

I've never given him the opportunity. It sounds bad but he's kind of creepy/leery, and I've watched him with other girls... it's more than a variation of the dance frame. I think he would be a groper. Like I said, for the most part, I don't have any trouble. What has been suggested I tried with this guy, I just wondered if I'd missed something. Basically, just avoid him :roll:

 

[delamusica]

Avoiding. Good plan. A groper is altogether different from a close dancer.

 

[squirrel]

One of my former instructors suggested a method... not such a nice one:

If the guy is dancing too close just use your high heels and step "accidentally" on his feet... when (and if) if spins you, a my-elbow-to-his-chin move is advisable... :lol: :lol: And don't forget to apologise all the time "Oh, sorry, I am such a lousy dancer!"... :lol: :lol: :lol: Works wonders, I've been told!

 

[Lucretia]

Excellent brujo :lol: !

A friend of mine - who looks like Aphrodite and dances as a Goodess - is very open about this subject. She ask the guy "Do you wanna dance with me or not?".

And all the guys always accept - they realize that they are hazarding the dancerelation they have with this girl if they go further.

/luc

 

[Houdinni]

To some people, or during some particular musics, dancing closer toguether can be quite natural, with no ill intent.

But if that bothers you, you have every right to stop that from happening...

You can:

Verbalise it, asking for space.
Push way, usually with your left arm.
And ill intent or not, you dance to have fun. Most dancers will aknowledge that if something they're doing disturbs the lady, she won't have fun while dancing. So if nothing else works... walk away!
After all, respect should be granted to those who respect others. If the lead doesn't wish to respect your wishes while danceng, he should expect nothing else from someone with personality!

 

[nikita]

Hi-
it really happened a very, very few times. But if the guy really doesn't seems to understand- I just walked away...