Match-ups, Fix-ups, and Blind Dates

[skwiggy]

That's a very awkward situation, not knowing what to talk about. I end up saying very silly things.
Best to get to know the guy/gal in a more friendly environment and see yourselves how it goes, IMO. A blind date feels like everything is screaming "Do something! Talk! Be funny! Look interested!"
Feeling forced is all I'll say on the matter.

Twilight Elena

If it feels forced, then it's just a bad match. The forced feeling is not inherent of all blind dates.

 

[pygmalion]

Not that I've done many blind dates (lol) but I do get that feeling of performance anxiety (I guess you'd call it.) Not sure how much of it is internal and how much is coming from the guy. But the anxiety is there. Or ... it was when I was younger. Not sure how I'd feel now that I'm older and more self-confident. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, so I don't value my being a good date for him above his being a good date for me. It's pretty liberating.

I think, at least for me, date performance anxiety is partially separate from mismatched communication styles, although there is some overlap. Eh. Not sure how exactly to say what I'm thinking, so I'll be back later, after I translate my thoughts into English. :lol:

 

[skwiggy]

Not sure how I'd feel now that I'm older and more self-confident. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, so I don't value my being a good date for him above his being a good date for me. It's pretty liberating.

And this makes all the difference in the world.

I think if you focus on the former, then it's easy to have stuff to talk about. You can just ask about stuff you want to know in order to find out if he's a good date for you.

 

[pygmalion]

Exactly.

 

[waltzgirl]

If you would like to meet these guys, just in case one of them turns out to be what you're looking for, but want to avoid the blind date problems, ask your friends to invite you both to some social occasion, not as dates for one another, but as part of a larger group at a party, barbecue, etc. That way, you can meet him and take it from there if you want, but it's also pretty easy to pass without hurting anyone's feelings if you don't click.

Double dating with the fixer never works for me. I always feel like I have all the awkwardness of a blind date--with an audience watching!

 

[motardmom]

I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, so I don't value my being a good date for him above his being a good date for me. It's pretty liberating.

I really think you are onto something with this "comfortable in my own skin" concept. I've been thinking about it and there's something that rings true with me. Yesterday when I returned to work after the weekend, we were talking about what we'd done and it came out that not only had I gone dancing (they didn't know I danced) but that I went out alone. I think my boss must have said 5 times, "I can't believe you just went... alone!" I'm thinking, "Isn't the whole purpose of going out to meet people? Why would it matter if you brought people you knew with you then?" Fact is, I did go out alone, I met a bunch of people, and I did not spend the evenings "alone". I was with a bunch of new friends and we had a good time. 8) There is a time when I would have been uncomfortable with this scenario, but sometime in my grown up years I figured out that if I'm not having fun, it's my own fault.

As I've thought a little about it as I read thru this thread, I've thought about my own dating experiences in the past and I don't actually remember ever having a 'bad' date. I do remember dates I chose not to reprise, but I don't remember having anything I would consider "bad," as in "not fun" or "difficult". I think a lot of that comes from simply deciding to have a good time with (or in spite of :lol my date. Yeah, there's the issue of having it naturally be fun or having to work at it and that's where I decide whether or not to go out again. That's where my problem lies: in deciding whether I am having fun because we are compatible and truly interested in each other, or whether I am having fun because I've decided I'm going to have a good time despite the odds. So blind dates aren't so concerning to me. I see it as an opportunity to have some fun - and I'm all about fun - and if something develops out of that, it is frosting on the cake.

 

[Shooshoo]

that's exactly how i felt! I had to think of of topics that we could talk about so there wouldn't be any 'awkward silence' - and that kind of added mental stress probably made the whole "blind date" situation worse as well...

You reminded me of one of the guys . You know when you see someone and think oh my god, I just want the ground to swallow me so I can disappear. Well he was one of these guys, wearing a suit and a tie and I was there with a wet funky look (in comparison to him). I remember we had 'literally' a ten minute silence. I was thinking 'shall I just leave', 'no that's rude', 'what shall I do' and I just had make an incredible effort to have a small conversation. It's funny how people can be so different, I thought I was over-dressed and he critisized that I didn't make an effort to look my best . Talk about incompatibility.

 

[Shooshoo]

If it feels forced, then it's just a bad match. The forced feeling is not inherent of all blind dates.

But what so you do then? Just leave and end it the outing? But then you think maybe you're being judgemental.

 

[Shooshoo]

Not that I've done many blind dates (lol) but I do get that feeling of performance anxiety (I guess you'd call it.)

I also used to get that, so in the end I told my friends, if they want to set me up then I shouldn't tell me before-hand. But then no one did . Too much of an effort I guess to match everyone's busy schedule.

 

[Shooshoo]

Double dating with the fixer never works for me. I always feel like I have all the awkwardness of a blind date--with an audience watching!

I hate that too. I was once on a 'triple' date and I got this anxiety and I just sat there and completely ignored the guy. And he was trying to open up topics and I just gave him a 'really not interested' face. It's funny cause I actually thought I wouldn't mind to get to know him, but I wasn't nice either (I was also physically tired), but just having all these people STARE and wait and see what we're talking about and if we click, etc, just made me paranoid.

 

[GalacticDancer44M]

I really think you are onto something with this "comfortable in my own skin" concept. I've been thinking about it and there's something that rings true with me. Yesterday when I returned to work after the weekend, we were talking about what we'd done and it came out that not only had I gone dancing (they didn't know I danced) but that I went out alone. I think my boss must have said 5 times, "I can't believe you just went... alone!" I'm thinking, "Isn't the whole purpose of going out to meet people? Why would it matter if you brought people you knew with you then?" Fact is, I did go out alone, I met a bunch of people, and I did not spend the evenings "alone". I was with a bunch of new friends and we had a good time. 8) There is a time when I would have been uncomfortable with this scenario, but sometime in my grown up years I figured out that if I'm not having fun, it's my own fault.

As I've thought a little about it as I read thru this thread, I've thought about my own dating experiences in the past and I don't actually remember ever having a 'bad' date. I do remember dates I chose not to reprise, but I don't remember having anything I would consider "bad," as in "not fun" or "difficult". I think a lot of that comes from simply deciding to have a good time with (or in spite of :lol my date. Yeah, there's the issue of having it naturally be fun or having to work at it and that's where I decide whether or not to go out again. That's where my problem lies: in deciding whether I am having fun because we are compatible and truly interested in each other, or whether I am having fun because I've decided I'm going to have a good time despite the odds. So blind dates aren't so concerning to me. I see it as an opportunity to have some fun - and I'm all about fun - and if something develops out of that, it is frosting on the cake.

Wow, I could have easily written this too! Don't wait around for fun to find you. Go out and enjoy life and don't get too serious.

 

[DancePoet]

If you would like to meet these guys, just in case one of them turns out to be what you're looking for, but want to avoid the blind date problems, ask your friends to invite you both to some social occasion, not as dates for one another, but as part of a larger group at a party, barbecue, etc. That way, you can meet him and take it from there if you want, but it's also pretty easy to pass without hurting anyone's feelings if you don't click.

Double dating with the fixer never works for me. I always feel like I have all the awkwardness of a blind date--with an audience watching!

Even with a group date, it could still feel like there is an audience.

 

[DancePoet]

As I've thought a little about it as I read thru this thread, I've thought about my own dating experiences in the past and I don't actually remember ever having a 'bad' date. I do remember dates I chose not to reprise, but I don't remember having anything I would consider "bad," as in "not fun" or "difficult". I think a lot of that comes from simply deciding to have a good time with (or in spite of :lol my date. Yeah, there's the issue of having it naturally be fun or having to work at it and that's where I decide whether or not to go out again. That's where my problem lies: in deciding whether I am having fun because we are compatible and truly interested in each other, or whether I am having fun because I've decided I'm going to have a good time despite the odds. So blind dates aren't so concerning to me. I see it as an opportunity to have some fun - and I'm all about fun - and if something develops out of that, it is frosting on the cake.

I don't really recall having a bad date either. The choice of having fun can be an individual one. If the other person hasn't chosen the same then this could make for a rough situation, yet we can still choose to have fun either way. Worst that will happen is the other person won't. As long as I figure this out, and that isn't tough, then I can choose not to date them again.

 

[DancePoet]

You reminded me of one of the guys . You know when you see someone and think oh my god, I just want the ground to swallow me so I can disappear. Well he was one of these guys, wearing a suit and a tie and I was there with a wet funky look (in comparison to him). I remember we had 'literally' a ten minute silence. I was thinking 'shall I just leave', 'no that's rude', 'what shall I do' and I just had make an incredible effort to have a small conversation. It's funny how people can be so different, I thought I was over-dressed and he critisized that I didn't make an effort to look my best . Talk about incompatibility.

Ayuh, good reason to keep the first date short.

 

[lynn]

You reminded me of one of the guys . You know when you see someone and think oh my god, I just want the ground to swallow me so I can disappear. Well he was one of these guys, wearing a suit and a tie and I was there with a wet funky look (in comparison to him). I remember we had 'literally' a ten minute silence. I was thinking 'shall I just leave', 'no that's rude', 'what shall I do' and I just had make an incredible effort to have a small conversation. It's funny how people can be so different, I thought I was over-dressed and he critisized that I didn't make an effort to look my best . Talk about incompatibility.

:lol:!

Remind me of a blind date, i was dressed up o.k. (translation: presentable but not ultra formal) while the guy sitting across the table just got out of his home renovation project so he was in his shorts & sandals & i guess i should be thankful he wasn't covered in dust but my first impression was :shock:.....yep, incompatible it was!