Match-ups, Fix-ups, and Blind Dates

[DancePoet]

I also haven't really been dating for the last 6 years or so, but the one friend I have who dates a lot seems to like going on group dates with the person she's being set up with: ie. go out with that set-up person AND the person who set you up AND their date too. I have not tried it myself but she says it works for her.

This could be a useful approach.

 

[DancePoet]

I really don't care for the whole scenario. First, someone'd have to know me pretty well to know someone who'd be "perfect" for me. (Why do people always say that?)

But second, here are my two match-up/fix-up experiences from the past. One, a coworker/friend set me up with his brother-in-law, "a really nice guy." Boring as all get out!! I mean really. So boring that I couldn't get past that first conversation. No date ever happened, because this guy had nothing to talk about, other than his job as an insurance adjuster, which was totally foreign and not the least bit interesting to me. Didn't he ever watch the news or read a book? :lol: Problem? From then on, and for the next couple of years that I continued to work with the wannabe matchmaker, my relationship with the matchmaker was strained. :?

Ayuh, seems like a dud.

Two. I went out with and ended up seriously dating the close friend of a girlfriend. It worked out really well. He was "perfect" for me. But... there was a serious conflict of interests every time he and I had a fight or every time my girlfriend (his friend) and I had a disagreement. To this day, even though I'm no longer in touch with the old boyfriend, my girlfriend gets weirded out when he comes up in conversation, which isn't often.

So this ended because of conflicts of interest?

It's just not worth it, in my view. There are lots of guys out there to meet, and I meet them easily and often without getting entangled with someone who "knows" someone I know.

Networking is great for business relationships, I think. Personal relationships? Eh. Not so much. (Yes. I'm a crusty old cynic. :wink: )

It sounds like this type of dating won't work for you, and that's ok.

 

[DancePoet]

Pygmalion, i honestly don't think you need to be fixed up since you already have a super friend/outgoing personality! But if a friend is trying to set you up, maybe just meet the guy and think of it as a "networking" opportunity rather than anything else?

:lol: This might be a good idea!

 

[skwiggy]

My current boyfriend was a set-up/blind date. I've had my share of bad set-ups as well. I say go for it. I figure, what have you got to lose? At worst, you've lost one evening of your life. At best, you meet someone special. And there are a lot of possibilities in between. You might end up making a new friend.

 

[DancePoet]

I think it really depends ... it can be good or bad.

Exactly!

It's quite usual here in Egypt to be set-up with 'marriage prospects'. I confess I did it for a duration of 3 years like some years ago. I think I met like 15 men and found the probabilty very low. The probabilty of me getting 'unplanned crushes' is alot higher. Like one guy, I could have a conversation with and another I could enjoy his company once a week, but not more. And this is after doing screening of who to meet and only from close friends and not from family. One of the bad things here we have the social pressure, everybody interfering (with good intentions)...why don't you like him, why don't try to meet him again, ah, you have wear a skirt, put on some make-up... ugh!!!!!!! Another problem I have I also don't like to go out without doing an activity, so it gets so boring. So I quit and decided I just have to bump into someone.

Social pressure isn't fun.

However, regarding dates ... try keeping the first date very short, just long enough to chat and maybe flirt a bit to see what kind of interaction can be created. I wouldn't want to go out on a first date with someone I hardly know doing an activity with them that took up alot of time if the person was going to be a complete dud. It could be safer to have a quick date first with those you don't know, and then worry about having another date with an activity later to explore the person's potential, if it even gets that far.

Now, if I know the person, and we've been flirting through an activity that we both already particpate in, then that's a different story.

But it's quite different here in Egypt and there's alot of pressure.
I have friends who do meet their partners in this way and end up falling in love, etc, etc., so I wouldn't advice you against it, you could get lucky. Do it if you enjoy going out and getting to know people. I'm sure you don't have the 'marriage' pressure like here so you can take your time and enjoy yourself.

You mean people don't date in the U.S. to get married someday ... :lol: ... I'd say many people really do, and marriage is a socially acceptable way of having a significant relationship with someone over here. Unfortunately even if it sometimes isn't a relationship that can be maintained with joy.

 

[Shooshoo]

So, dancepoet, are you going to start the dating business soon?

You've already started giving out tips and advice .

 

[pygmalion]

That's the biggest problem, i've often wondered that if i had met these guys in a more "natural" situation - one that doesn't scream "i'm desparate that's why i'm here on a blind date", maybe things would've turned out differently...

I'm not sure being a on a blind date makes you look desperate, or does it? :? I certainly hope not -- I think it's a situation that works for some people. Not me, so far, but some people. :lol:

@shoo shoo Yeah. You bring in an interesting perspective. I thought about this, too. The whole idea of meeting someone and becoming a couple can be very different, depending on your cultural perspective. Dating, the way we do it in the states, doesn't even exist in some cultures. In some cultures, it's assumed that somebody will fix you up and you'll marry them and be content ever after. If you're lucky, you might even fall in love.

I'm wondering if maybe the reason fix-ups don't appeal to me is because there's a clash between the two ideas. Fix-ups tend to be practical and based on our friends' perceptions of similarities. Meanwhile, a lot of us are out there looking for love (or at least attraction and interest) at first sight, and you know what they say. Opposites attract.

Maybe the two just don't work together all that well. :? In some instances, yeah. But not most that I've seen so far.

I guess my bottom line (based on my few negative experiences) is why risk the relationship I already have with a friend by pursuing a probably-not-going-to-work relationship with someone I don't even know? (Yikes! I'm cynical. :lol: )

 

[DancePoet]

Sometimes i wonder is it b/c i was being "set up" therefore i have a higher expectation for the guy and thus it's harder for me to get a "crush"??? Or maybe for me it just feels so unnatural i'm just not in the mood to fall in love...dunno....

Hmmm ... the issue may be the choice over what our expecations can be? :idea:

Instead, determine what is causing you to have a "crush". Then you can slow down a bit (I know this can be tough, been there, done both), make a choice about whether or not the person is for you based on other issues rather then just the "crush". And that isn't to say a "crush" isn't important, just to suggest that slowing things down might help you to develop a "crush".

Also, I have found that if you can't create a friendly conversation with the person, then it just isn't going to happen. If there is a friendly conversation, then there can be opportunites for flirting. And since flirting seems to be a useful way to initiate other things, you'll never get to initiate other things without a friendly conversation.

Oh, and if falling in love equals "crush", and I did say if, then we are likely talking about the chemical process of falling in love, and if the chemicals aren't flowing, things won't likely get past the first date anyway.

A date set up by another person can be ok or not, and such dates can be natural or not. This could all be in one's approach to what they want from the date, which brings us back to expectations. Hmmm ... so if we choose what our expectations are of such a date, then we can better measure whether or not it was successful in meeting our expectations, and perhaps it could make the date a better way to gauge whether or not there will be a second date.

Just don't forget, both people have choices here, and just because one person could choose to have another date, the other person might not. Thus even though the date could live up to one's expectations, it might not live up to the other's. And this means, it's time to look elsewhere anyway.

 

[skwiggy]

I think going on a blind date speaks more to open-mindedness than to desperation.

 

[DancePoet]

maybe you're right, cause out of the 15, I didn't have a crush on any of them.

:lol: Dating can be a long and drawn out process. I've known folks who have dated dozens and dozens of people with them not finding what they are looking for, and I just hope they are learning something through their experiences rather then repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Gosh, that could be very painful.

Don't give up Shooshoo, you can do it! :friend:

 

[pygmalion]

I think going on a blind date speaks more to open-mindedness than to desperation.

I agree. (says she of the closed mind. :lol: )

 

[DancePoet]

That's the biggest problem, i've often wondered that if i had met these guys in a more "natural" situation - one that doesn't scream "i'm desparate that's why i'm here on a blind date", maybe things would've turned out differently...

Hmmm ... well, you could make the blind date natural, but it does take two, and if you are the person who is doing it and he ain't, time to find someone else to date.

I can see how a different "natural" situation could be more to a person's liking.

And whatever work's for you is what is important. Go for it lynn! :banana:

 

[lynn]

I'm not sure being a on a blind date makes you look desperate, or does it? :? I certainly hope not -- I think it's a situation that works for some people. Not me, so far, but some people. :lol:

It certainly doesn't but some people do have the perception that being on blind date makes them desparate. I know some guys are quite rude on blind dates simply b/c they think the girl is so desparate to want to be with someone and would go for anyone whom she's being set up with (it goes for both genders, of course). But what it really comes down is how open we are to the idea of blind dates. Some people have fun while others struggle to get over the awkwardness (some never do, which makes the whole experience even worse).

 

[skwiggy]

I know some guys are quite rude on blind dates simply b/c they think the girl is so desparate

Um, by nature of being on the blind date himself... nevermind.

 

[lynn]

Also, I have found that if you can't create a friendly conversation with the person, then it just isn't going to happen. If there is a friendly conversation, then there can be opportunites for flirting. And since flirting seems to be a useful way to initiate other things, you'll never get to initiate other things without a friendly conversation.

DP, you hit the jackpot right here ! I've found with blind dates is that the other party is usually very quiet and i always ended up being the one having to think of interesting "neutral" conversations to talk about. Its quite exhausting after probably 30 min. The other person may think that we're having a great time, but unfortunately, i've often felt that i was being the entertainer in these kind of situation.