My partner "likes" me too much.
- Thread starter monisia
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jofjonesboro
New Member
Expectations must be managed.
I have an absolute rule about not becoming romantically involved with a dance partner, a rule which has probably cost me a few partnerships.
I've found that it is very important to be explicit about each partner's expectations before two people begin working together. They need to sit down and have the frankest of frank discussions with possible involvement outside of the studio being the number one topic on the agenda.
If you did make yourself clear and this fellow continues to push the boundaries then you have a tough decision to make. Personally, I'd find another partner or even do without for a while. In the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of grief.
Good luck.
jj
I have an absolute rule about not becoming romantically involved with a dance partner, a rule which has probably cost me a few partnerships.
I've found that it is very important to be explicit about each partner's expectations before two people begin working together. They need to sit down and have the frankest of frank discussions with possible involvement outside of the studio being the number one topic on the agenda.
If you did make yourself clear and this fellow continues to push the boundaries then you have a tough decision to make. Personally, I'd find another partner or even do without for a while. In the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of grief.
Good luck.
jj
bia
Forum Master
It sounds like you need to say something, awkward as it is. Even if saying something might at worst endanger the partnership, I'd think that feeling creeped out by your partner would endanger it more. Maybe the first step would be to bring it up when he does/says something that makes you uncomfortable -- hopefully that way you can avoid a big state-of-the-partnership talk. In immediate reaction to something he does: "It makes me a little uncomfortable when you kiss me like that/say things like that. You know I just think of you as a dance partner, not a romantic partner, right?" Hopefully then he'll try to save face by saying, "yeah, yeah, of course, I didn't mean anything by it" and switching to more business-like partnership behavior. (Maybe he's just joking in the first place, and he just needs to know you don't like it. But even if he is sending out feelers, this gives him a chance to pretend he's not and just change his behavior.) If he gets all defensive or attacks you for the comment, then you've got bigger problems that might need the big talk. But if you put off saying anything, he might feel (or at least say) that you've been leading him on by not rejecting him explicitly. It can get messy, but the clearer you can be (starting small with a comment in passing, getting bigger if necessary), the best shot you've got at making it a partnership you want to be in. Good luck!
Yes, definitely say something. He could just be joking around, he may be testing the boundaries, whatever. The only way he will know how you feel is if you say something. And don't be subtle about it. Be nice, but be clear, and as the others said, start small and don't throw it in his face.
Mengu
Forum Master
NonieS
Well-Known Member
Warren J. Dew
Forum Master
Men don't see "sending out feelers" as wrong in this situation - heck, if the original poster didn't make the lack of romantic interest crystal clear at the start, I don't see why women would see it as wrong in this situation - so his backing off would not be "saving face". It would be "making the sexy girl happy so she'll be more likely to say 'yes' next time".
If you as a woman want the dance partnership to be business like, don't try to save his feelings. Don't phrase it as a leading question - "You know ... right?" Be honest: "I don't want any romance in our dance partnership, and if you're looking for both, you may want to look for another partner. If you are okay with just a dance partnership, then that's great."
The only good reason to do it the way you describe is if you think the only way to keep the dance partnership is to keep him hoping there will be something more in the future, without actually giving the something more to him now.
jofjonesboro
New Member
Not a good idea
That strategy is not good because it's dishonest and will only lead to bigger problems down the road.
Sit down with him and have the talk. Don't avoid it.
jj
That strategy is not good because it's dishonest and will only lead to bigger problems down the road.
Sit down with him and have the talk. Don't avoid it.
jj
fascination
Site Moderator
agree...no one deserves to be emotionally manipulated...it is so deeply harmful
toothlesstiger
Well-Known Member
Please do not doubt the power of a man's persistence in the face of rejection. Even if you cut him off at the knees, and tell him you could not possibly have any romantic interest in him, ever, as long as you still dance with him, he may hold out hope.
My suggestion, don't just suck it up and get creeped out when he does anything you consider inappropriate. Silence is assent. If he kisses you on the cheek, other than in greeting, come right out, at that moment, and say something. "What the 77E4 was that?" A dance partnership has to have trust in it. If you don't have enough confidence to come right out and say something when something wrong happens, that partnership is not going to last anyway.
My suggestion, don't just suck it up and get creeped out when he does anything you consider inappropriate. Silence is assent. If he kisses you on the cheek, other than in greeting, come right out, at that moment, and say something. "What the 77E4 was that?" A dance partnership has to have trust in it. If you don't have enough confidence to come right out and say something when something wrong happens, that partnership is not going to last anyway.
bia
Forum Master
Huh, I certainly didn't mean my suggestion to be dishonest or leaving any possibility open for the future -- isn't "I don't think of you as a romantic partner" clear, even with a "you know ... right?" on either side? Ultimately we all agree -- the OP needs to talk to him and be careful not to let her desire to be "nice" get in the way of clarity -- within those boundaries, she can choose her own phrasing.
tanya_the_dancer
Well-Known Member
Are you guys serious? If a girl tells you that she is not interested but tries to be polite and not hurt your feelings, you interpret it as she's not interested *now* but maybe some time in the future? And then she's "emotionally manipulative", because she keeps saying "no"?
fascination
Site Moderator
tanya..if you are referring to me, my quote is very specifically in reference to the suggestion of not being candid in order to string the guy along into keeping the partnership...
I advocate completely umabiguous firm but kind, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive, explanation of what the relationship can and cannot...ever...be.
I advocate completely umabiguous firm but kind, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive, explanation of what the relationship can and cannot...ever...be.
bia
Forum Master
I think it's got to depend on the guy -- I'm really not comfortable with the generalizations about what "men" think/do and what "women" think/do. There's no need to blast a guy who will accept a clear and polite "I'm not interested" in a passing comment, and if he doesn't accept it, then there's no need to refrain from making the statement increasingly stronger.