Non-Tango Life Partner or Not-Only Tango Partner?

[Bailango]

I don't know if this topic is specifically tango related at all. Where we spend most of our time with people, there also is a high probability of meeting someone who suits you. For some it's in the gym, for others it's the workplace, for dancers it's the studio or the party.
The interesting part is what do we do when the relationship falls apart. Do we have the character to continue to be respectful and discreet in the same community?

This not specific tango related. It also gets discussed a lot in other dances like salsa.

Some people are against dating in the dance community. The others seek relationship in the dance community. Those who seek do so more actively. Some are neutral. I am in the camp that is against dating in the dance scene. By that I mean not trying to seek a relationship. A lot has to line up the right way for me to be interested. Dancing in some ways works against that.

I have witnessed break up dramas with friends and others. The post-breakup is dictated by the maturity and the feelings about how it went down. That can result in drama, no drama, one of the two quitting, etc. My friends have also quit dancing after they found each other through dancing. Not surprised by that either.

When I did have a partner in crime, we had similar interests on and off dance floor. We also had separate interests. On the dance floor neither of us was possessive. It was also the time I least went out dancing.

 

[Brummbaer]

Some people are against dating in the dance community. The others seek relationship in the dance community.

At the time it was never a consideration. Yes, there were some extremely fit and attractive young women in the dance scene, but that was their one and only interest. We met because of other shared interests, and then migrated to dance as well.

The dance scene seems pretty much the same as the office, the lab, the gym, church, supermarket, the run, the bar, whatever. Maybe you just change location if possible. Sure, you meet those you've dated. But if they're the one, it doesn't matter. The aim is to stop it going wrong. We got lucky.

 

[opendoor]

I only got question marks and funny comments when I wrote that I find dancing in close embrace un-erotic, un-sensual, and a nuisance. Don't you love music? Is the music just an annoying accessory for you? After all, music is the real and unifying dance partner (for me anyway).

Does that imply that you dance simply to rub your bodies together and to cuddle noncommittally on the dance floor? In other words, tango is an excuse for you?

 

[Bailango]

I only got question marks and funny comments when I wrote that I find dancing in close embrace un-erotic, un-sensual, and a nuisance. Don't you love music? Is the music just an annoying accessory for you? After all, music is the real and unifying dance partner (for me anyway).

Does that imply that you dance simply to rub your bodies together and to cuddle noncommittally on the dance floor? In other words, tango is an excuse for you?

Do you find dancing erotic or sensual? I never found it to be erotic. Unless you deliberately introduce eroticism into your dance.

You could dance in close embrace and still find dancing to be neither. Physical closeness is not a necessity for sensuality.

 

[Brummbaer]

I only got question marks and funny comments when I wrote that I find dancing in close embrace un-erotic, un-sensual, and a nuisance. Don't you love music? Is the music just an annoying accessory for you? After all, music is the real and unifying dance partner (for me anyway).

The whole thing is a sensual experience: music, holding someone, atmosphere, creating a dance experience together,.... Eroticism, or not, is in your perception of all those aspects. If that does it for you, ok. I prefer my eroticism elsewhere in private. It's on a spectrum.

Does that imply that you dance simply to rub your bodies together and to cuddle noncommittally on the dance floor? In other words, tango is an excuse for you?

That depends whether you're going to the milonga to 'hook-up' in desperation, or even just to create that experience 'hit', or whether you're engaging socially with others. Would an unknown partner even buy into that or have you thrown out for harassment? A known partner might tell you it's inappropriate in that place. Why have any dance as an excuse? It was always more about opportunities being presented (e.g. waltz)

 

[Miradamiranda]

Do you find dancing erotic or sensual? I never found it to be erotic.

It can be. But it’s not really the close hugging contact that does that, IMO. For me, at least. It’s the personality expressed, the drama in the dance, with contrasts, humor, gentle vs energetic, it’s the full attention someone is giving you, it’s getting a feel for someone’s character and values through how the partner treats you. It’s the feeling of wanting to give yourself to this other person for this dance. It’s also the proximity, when your peripheral vision makes you aware that your face is very close to someone else’s face. I find that closer than an actual closed embrace.

I like all types of embrace styles/techniques (except her hand on his bicep), even when there is a brief complete letting go (it’s like you’ve been away and happy to come back ‘home’). The value of a full close embrace has more to do with the directness of transmitting cues than sensuality. Giving and getting hugs are obviously pleasant, but sometimes being constantly glued to someone feels paradoxically disconnected and artificial.

Frankly, what I dislike is an extremely crowded floor where all you can do is cuddle up to some stranger and do nothing else but shift weight to the basic rhythm of the music.

As you know, I don’t look to hook up through tango - the art of expressing the music is the most important thing, but when the sensuality is there, I don’t shy away from it. It also contributes to the feel-good hormones we feel after a particularly nice evening of dancing.

 

[itwillhappen]

I only got question marks and funny comments when I wrote that I find dancing in close embrace un-erotic, un-sensual, and a nuisance. Don't you love music? Is the music just an annoying accessory for you? After all, music is the real and unifying dance partner (for me anyway).

Does that imply that you dance simply to rub your bodies together and to cuddle noncommittally on the dance floor? In other words, tango is an excuse for you?

But there are people for whom it is the only possible way. Take me for example, I'm not athletic, old, have a time-consuming job, have no money, I'm divorced, have three children who I still support. With the alternatives you described as easier and more effective, a woman would never have taken me. But I've been very successful in tango for over 20 years, both in terms of affairs and long-term relationships. And I've found exactly the kind of women I like, slim, attractive, intellectual.

The feeling of connectedness, also physical contact, is a basic need for most people. Our manner may be slightly different, but you and I, we are obviously no exception.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

I only got question marks and funny comments when I wrote that I find dancing in close embrace un-erotic, un-sensual, and a nuisance. Don't you love music? Is the music just an annoying accessory for you? After all, music is the real and unifying dance partner (for me anyway).

Does that imply that you dance simply to rub your bodies together and to cuddle noncommittally on the dance floor? In other words, tango is an excuse for you?

The music is key. However, the point is that the two are inextricable. And it's not "simply rubbing bodies together," that is a strange way to put it for someone in the tango community. I'm mystified by your aversion to bodily contact. Obviously, it wouldn't matter in general. You are who you are. But for a tango dancer, it's quite unusual.

 

[Tango Newbie]

One thing I've noticed in our local community is the large number of 'single' people (without a life partner), with others having one but they don't participate and stay at home. Only a small number of coupled dancers are attending our milongas.

Some of those single dancers without a life-partner outside of AT seem to be getting their 'human touch' through dance (and presumably the embrace). Many of those 'single leaders' like dancing with my life-partner, whereas she's not as interested in dancing with most of them (for whatever reason), but does so anyways.

Since I entered into the tango orbit with a life partner who already danced AT for many years, there was a bit of an adjustment period for me. On one hand I had to accept my partner dancing with other leaders, and on the other I was a little concerned she'd see I was enjoying dance with other followers so I didn't want to cause any envy or guilt between either of us.

As I've been going through the typical 'learning-curve' to become the partner my SO always wanted, I dreaded the thought of being stuck too long as a "raw beginner", sitting on the sidelines, or causing her any embarrassment. My life-partner is now quite pleased with my (our) progress, and like I've mentioned we've been taking classes and lessons regularly so I've have I've gotten to a point where she enjoys dancing with me most of the time, with the occasional dance with other leader she knew (before), and ones we met, including those single leaders without a life partner.

I'm not someone who's jealous, but conversely didn't want to make my life-partner jealous of me when dancing with some of the beautiful, experienced ladies. There has been a couple situations where my life-partner seemed to be a little concerned that the lady I danced with was a little too clingy, suggesting that they shouldn't be resting their face on mine, but that came to pass, so it's all good now.

My SO and I consider Saturday night milongas our "date-night", and think it's a little sad for those dancers (mainly followers), showing up, dressed to the 9's, while their loved-ones are sitting back home.

Nevertheless, AT has brought us even closer together, more than we were, with a common interest we get to enjoy as a couple (aside from the other things we do).

 

[Miradamiranda]

... there was a bit of an adjustment period for me. On one hand I had to accept my partner dancing with other leaders, and on the other I was a little concerned
…
I'm not someone who's jealous, but conversely didn't want to make my life-partner jealous of me
…
My SO and I consider Saturday night milongas our "date-night", and think it's a little sad for those dancers (mainly followers), showing up.

That adjustment period of accepting that the closeness aspect of dancing is perfectly fine might take a while. Those who go dancing without their SOs don’t find it sad at all although you find it sad for them. Is it sad when wifey choses to not go golfing with hubby and his buddy’s? I’m happy for you and your partner to be able to combine together-time with your interests. It’s exactly like when spouses go golfing together. A way of optimizing leisure time. Others prefer to consider it their me-time.

 

[Tango Newbie]

That adjustment period of accepting that the closeness aspect of dancing is perfectly fine might take a while. Those who go dancing without their SOs don’t find it sad at all although you find it sad for them. Is it sad when wifey choses to not go golfing with hubby and his buddy’s? I’m happy for you and your partner to be able to combine together-time with your interests. It’s exactly like when spouses go golfing together. A way of optimizing leisure time. Others prefer to consider it their me-time.

Thanks for the reply. I am a "hugger" (hug my kids many times daily, particularly when they were young), and have no problem "hugging" any dance partner. It seems almost all the followers want the 'close' embrace with me, and it probably has something to do with the fact I'm naturally muscular (good genetics mainly).

Yeah, I understand the folks coming to milongas etc. without their SO/spouse aren't saddened by the fact they're out on a Saturday night while the spouse is at home. It's not something we really dwell on, it's just that we think AT is such a great thing for couples to enjoy (if they can tolerate dancing with others without any jealousy), and consider it WE TIME. Neither of us suffer from that, and actually encourage each other to dance with others. My SO encourages me to dance with both the experienced ladies, and those sitting longer than they should.

 

[itwillhappen]

Those who go dancing without their SOs don’t find it sad at all although you find it sad for them.

Who knows?

Is it sad when wifey choses to not go golfing with hubby and his buddy’s?

Yes, absolutely, but I suppose it gets more difficult when he golfs by day and she dances by night.
And I personally like it sometimes to dance a tanda in the living room out of a spontaneous embrace.

 

[Brummbaer]

Those who go dancing without their SOs don’t find it sad at all although you find it sad for them. Is it sad when wifey choses to not go golfing with hubby and his buddy’s?

It's sad in that it's a partner dance, but golf isn't a partner sport. Different perspectives for solos. And, of course, either may assist or break that relationship.

 

[Tango Distance]

Those who go dancing without their SOs don’t find it sad at all although you find it sad for them. Is it sad when wifey choses to not go golfing with hubby and his buddy’s? I’m happy for you and your partner to be able to combine together-time with your interests. It’s exactly like when spouses go golfing together. A way of optimizing leisure time. Others prefer to consider it their me-time.

My experience has been different.

• I agree there are some who feel exactly as you wrote.
• Many women have told my dear wife (DW) that she is lucky to have a husband who dances. Many have said to us they wish their husbands would dance.
• This scenario has happened many times: DW and I will tell a couple we do Tango. If there seems to be interest, we'll offer to help them get started. The lady immediately and enthusiastically says "I would love to do that!", and looks at her husband with big, hopeful eyes. The husbands says "No way" with just those 2 words, or more words with that message. I do find it sad the husband won't even give it a try to give his wife some joy. BTW, this happens with dance, but I have yet to see the big hopeful eyes, either way, for things like golf, skiing, car racing, gardening, sad movies, etc, spouse A seems to be quite content to have spouse B run off and do those things without him or her.
• The number one source of followers in my community is divorced ladies. They often drop out of Tango when they find a new significant other. Apparently the "we time" often outweighs "me time Tango" for them.
• It takes two to Tango!
• Can you name another activity that historically and still primarily couples (please pardon the pun!) a man and a woman together for an activity? A romantic relationship is a great starting point for this.
• If you surveyed activities in order of how romantic they are, things like dancing and watching a romantic movie would be high on the list, and things like golf, hiking, etc. would be low. Yes, for some dancing would be the same with robots vs. real people, but for others, it is or can be a romantic activity. Indeed, even the same person can find dance to be not romantic, but fun movements with others, but something romantic and special with the spouse (I'm in that class). Case in point: The only dancing some people do in their whole life is with their new spouse at their marriage celebration.
• We have one instructor who dances > 50% of tandas with his significant other. Another instructor will still sometimes dance many tandas in a row with his wife.

 

[Miradamiranda]

This scenario has happened many times: DW and I will tell a couple we do Tango. If there seems to be interest, we'll offer to help them get started. The lady immediately and enthusiastically says "I would love to do that!", and looks at her husband with big, hopeful eyes. The husbands says "No way" with just those 2 words, or more words with that message. I do find it sad the husband won't even give it a try to give his wife some joy.

The sad part is, I agree, that many husbands won’t even try. Another even sadder part is that many wives think they can’t do it without their husbands, that it’s not an acceptable activity.
But those who choose to do so anyhow and manage to fit it into their lives, no, that’s not sad. I know plenty who make it work.

Btw, I have friends, a couple, where he wanted to golf and really wanted her to come along, otherwise they wouldn’t have much together-time (demanding job). She wanted to dance tango and wanted him to come along. He refused on the basis that he’d never learn, and besides, he got performance-anxiety attacks on the dance floor when he tried. No matter how casual a situation it was. She gave him the ultimatum. She’d go golfing with him if he took tango lessons with her. With a lot of work, he overcame his anxiety. Now, he‘s the driving force in their tango life, and she just comes along for the ride and socializes while he dances, or if at marathon/festival, she is sleeping while he dances all night.