Not touchy feely

DW Refuses to Dance with TD!

TD was DT (dead tired). I had been up all night earlier in the week, then I had a late fund raising dinner, then I had to get up early for my volunteer coaching activities... No problem, I'll take a nap before the Milonga! Murphy intervened, and a friend asked to come over to repair his car. You guessed it, no sleep for me! We went to the Milonga. There were women everywhere! The entry was full of women, they were in the coat closet, lined up for the restroom, clustered around the payment table, circumscribed the snack table, and were filling almost every chair. I think only one other male showed up later. Men were in very short supply.

I think it was dchester that says he starts his night with 3 Tandas with his wife. I have glommed onto that number so DW and I started with 3 Tandas. I plodded around the floor, mostly just walking and doing parallel steps. While it was fun, I was hot and tired though my night had just begun! I went outside to cool off and rest, came inside and rested another Tanda. DW and I danced another Tanda or two, with breaks before and after. The other men seemed like they wanted to talk more than usual, so that was even more Tandas I was sitting out. Half the night was over at this point, and I had only danced with DW so far, so I thought maybe I'd just finish the night with just her. I was tired, and she was not getting very many dances, and I guess the empathy of which I spoke in post #150 wanes with fatigue. I walked towards her and tried cabeceo. She sat there. I walked right up and asked. She sat there. I asked why, and she said "I want to share the wealth." I had just been rejected my my own DW! I put on my most hang dog expression but it didn't work and she instructed me to go dance with someone else!

There were several possible responses. I could have physically picked her up... I could have gone outside... We could have had an argument via texting... I could have pulled the fire alarm... I could have grabbed the car and done some midnight drag racing down Main street... I chose to ask another lady. TD was still in simple steps mode, but it went well.

OK, mission accomplished, DW should be happy now. I asked her again, and she again refused! Truly it is not possible we men are ever this obstinate! Another lady graciously accepted my invite. It was fast Milonga music. I reached deep and found a hidden energy reserve. It was great fun, and what's this? I'm starting to feel revitalized! The only glitch was I thought the Tanda was over at the 2 song point, oops! I blame a lack of sleep! Fortunately the lady said something.

I had a slow start, but finished in a blaze of glory having danced with several ladies. I had intended to leave early, but DW and I wound up shutting the place down. We got home in the wee hours, and naturally I had to get up early, again, the next day. It was worth it!
 
Tango Distance said:
I had just been rejected my my own DW! ... I chose to ask another lady.
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Not sure what the codigos del baile, or whatever, say in this case. Possibly you cannot invite a second follower after being openly rejected by a first one. That would be an insult to both. I think you're supposed to go back to your seat and wait until the next tanda.
 
newbie said:
Not sure what the codigos del baile, or whatever, say in this case. Possibly you cannot invite a second follower after being openly rejected by a first one. That would be an insult to both. I think you're supposed to go back to your seat and wait until the next tanda.
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I think it is fine to resume your seat, but then look for a new partner for the next song.
 
newbie said:
Not sure what the codigos del baile, or whatever, say in this case. Possibly you cannot invite a second follower after being openly rejected by a first one. That would be an insult to both. I think you're supposed to go back to your seat and wait until the next tanda.
Click to expand...

I'm sure the codigos prohibit asking verbally in the first place, and there is no such issue when using cabeceo.

That said, I don't believe in any sort of time out for either person after rejecting/being rejected. It may be prudent to invite someone who didn't see you get rejected so they don't feel like a runner up, but even so, they can either choose to be insulted, or choose to dance.
 
UKDancer said:
I think it is fine to resume your seat, but then look for a new partner for the next song.
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I think it's fine to ask the woman sitting right next to her.

shrug_n.gif
 
In that particular case it would be OK because the wife is the "default first choice". Since the wife does not want to dance, the man is now free to choose other partners.
Asking verbally and getting a refuse is awkward. Asking the next lady in row after that -- palm face awkward! That is why it is much better to negotiate the invites through way of cabeceo.
 
Lilly_of_the_valley said:
In that particular case it would be OK because the wife is the "default first choice". Since the wife does not want to dance, the man is now free to choose other partners.
Asking verbally and getting a refuse is awkward. Asking the next lady in row after that -- palm face awkward! That is why it is much better to negotiate the invites through way of cabeceo.
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The cabeceo is fine, when in an environment where everyone else is using it.

FWIW, I don't put myself in the "penalty box" if someone turns me down. However, I will put myself in the penalty box, if she asked me and I turned her down, (and 99.99% of the time, the reason I'll turn down an invite is because I don't feel like dancing right then, (either I'm tired, or don't like what's playing)).
 
Lilly_of_the_valley said:
In that particular case it would be OK because the wife is the "default first choice". Since the wife does not want to dance, the man is now free to choose other partners.
Asking verbally and getting a refuse is awkward. Asking the next lady in row after that -- palm face awkward! That is why it is much better to negotiate the invites through way of cabeceo.
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Right about the wife being a special case. You could almost see a situation such as this as a courtesy invite to the wife. (Not what Tango Distance described. But in theory) And the wife was encouraging him to ask others so there was nothing wrong with him asking someone else right afterwards.
 
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UKDancer said:
I think it is fine to resume your seat, but then look for a new partner for the next song.
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It is funny how all this etiquette works. But from my point of view, and maybe this is just me, I would rather be asked second choice at the beginning of a tanda than be invited for a partial tanda. Being second choice doesn't bother me but I much prefer to dance the entire tanda.
 
Still, I don't consider the message from a prospective partner "There is absolutely no difference for me whom to dance with. I was just turned down, you sit right here, so it might as well be you" all that appealing. Maybe be it's just me. :D
 
No one likes to be second choice, but it beats sitting out. I don't think anyone should have to sit out for 10-12 minutes just because they got rejected. That's silly.
 
There are probably more elegant options to get another partner than to ask down the line. But where I dance the majority of invitations are done by cabeceo, so I am not an expert here. I just vaguely remember, in social ballroom dancing asking the lady in the next seat after getting a refuse was not considered very polite, either.
 
That's a good point, Newbie. As Lilly* and others said, since it was my DW I think it was OK, especially since almost everyone there knows us well enough to know we are married (by sight if nothing else). There were few enough men it also would have been easy to note DW already had 5 or so Tandas with me. It is good to keep in mind, though, at a Milonga where we would not be known. Then I can see a lady feeling 2nd class if she didn't know that was my wife graciously spreading the wealth.

Thanks to combing through old posts here, I know about sitting down if rejected. I have done that before, a lady was cabeceo'd just before I asked, so I waited out that tanda.

The hardest thing about Mirada/Cabeceo is with new people -- are they new to Tango and don't know about it, or am I getting rejected? My experience is they usually don't know about Mirada/Cabeceo and greatly appreciate being asked verbally. I tell them about Mirada/Cabeceo then, too.

Tango Distance foible: I now give out Mirada/Cabeceos, but I don't look for them coming my way and only notice the really blatant ones. I generally don't respond. I know, I know, bad TD. Give me time, I'm getting there slowly. That's something to add to my to-do list in 2016.

Do the leaders out there have an algorithm for how many Tandas they let their wife sit before asking her? Ask each Tanda she is sitting? Every other one? N = divide the number of women by the number of men and dance with her every Nth tanda? Mr. Technical here has asked DW for an algorithm, but can't get a straight answer on it!
newbie said:
... Possibly you cannot invite a second follower after being openly rejected by a first one. ... I think you're supposed to go back to your seat and wait until the next tanda.
Click to expand...
Lilly_of_the_valley said:
In that particular case it would be OK because the wife is the "default first choice". Since the wife does not want to dance, the man is now free to choose other partners.
Asking verbally and getting a refuse is awkward. Asking the next lady in row after that -- palm face awkward! That is why it is much better to negotiate the invites through way of cabeceo.
Click to expand...
 
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