Not touchy feely

[UKDancer]

Yes, slang, based loosely on the original meaning:

PLANCHAR (to iron): Expression for when a woman spends the night at a milonga without getting any dance.
PLANCHADORA (ironer): Woman not invited to dance because she does not dance well, is unknown at the milonga or is rude to men.

Benzecry Saba, Gustavo (2010-08-17). New Glossary of Tango Dance (Kindle Locations 1253-1257). Abrazos. Kindle Edition.

 

[RiseNFall]

Maybe this has not been the right direction to go, and maybe this dance thing will help in in the long run, but I have kind of a contra experience. For most of my life I just tolerated hugs and tried to avoid them and make them short when unavoidable. The last few years if a hug looks imminent I have started putting my handshake hand out right away, and just saying bluntly "I don't like hugging" or "I'm not a huggy kind of guy." To my surprise, no one has reacted negatively and they respect that by shaking my hand even if there is a flurry of hugs amongst everyone else. It makes church and visiting the neighbors easier. I have stopped short of that with my inlaws and family and tolerate the hugs. The inlaws say they are "determined to make a good hugger out of me."

Ah, but now it is interfering with something. You would not believe the things I have wrapped my head around for dance.

 

[pascal]

It looks like there are far more women than men in Tango
....
I just tolerated hugs and tried to avoid them

As for the gender balance it depends on where you live. Here this year I had to give up the idea of taking classes because the five I visited had a follower shortage.
As for hugs, normally in beginner classes, even a hug-oriented teacher will not make his pupils go into hugs, and will use quite a distant embrace instead. Maybe at the milonga that you're planning to attend, you'll see non-beginner dancers, and you'll see what tango hugs are. What you're seeing in your class and think are hugs, probably aren't.

 

[koinzell]

Nope, not going to do "everything" I can to better myself... But every week 1 hour of class, 1 hour of practice at the studio, about another hour of practice at home, listening to Tango music, watching Tango youtubes, paying 100's of dollars for lessons... I realize that was just hyperbole, do you think it should have more commitment than that?

Great response. Your resolve is clear to me now. If you enjoy practicas, then I think you will enjoy milongas more. Basically you get more practice time for less money. It's great to hear that you're listening to tango music in your everyday life.

 

[dchester]

Short story: I have enjoyed learning Tango, and it is great to see my wife and the other ladies look so happy, except that I'm uncomfortable being that close with women other than my wife. Any advice for me?

Put me in the "Give It Some Time" camp. I had similar feelings when I first started out, and I initially used to think, "I hope these women don't think I'm hitting on them". It all passed, and I grew to really like it.

 

[TomTango]

How do you enjoy the learning aspect of tango? Your well-written and well-ordered initial post and subsequent responses have me pegging you as a logical and process oriented person. If you are, the more analytic aspects of tango can be highly rewarding and addicting. The cause-effect relationship of lead and follow, the biomechanics of forces, breaking down the steps to learning a new sequence, then breaking it apart and improvising with it...those are things people can find just as enjoyable as the social dancing aspect, if not more so. It's one of the reasons so many engineers get into tango, and something I believe tango does especially well compared to other dances.

I could be off the mark. But if I'm not, my advice would be to try to focus on these aspects of tango versus the touchy-feely side - at least at first.

 

[outdoorman1234]

It's one of the reasons so many engineers get into tango, and something I believe tango does especially well compared to other dances.

Shoot, wish it would happen already for me. I'm an engineer and got into tango, more or less, about 9 years ago since my spouse was interested. Still can't get the hang of it, for various reasons, and it always feels like a huge grind to try and remember what I'm supposed to be doing while at the same time being aware of where my follower is at. Admittedly, tango is one one of the dances I do so am not totally concentrating on it alone, but would love to be able to cross over the threshold to where I can relax and just enjoy myself.

In some ways I can sense that tango just isn't my dance, but I keep at it mostly for my spouse (she's OK with going by herself when I'm busy or just not up for going)

Larry

 

[UKDancer]

... it always feels like a huge grind to try and remember what I'm supposed to be doing while at the same time being aware of where my follower is at.

Don't try. Tango isn't about having a good memory, but about a good connection. Work on that, and the rest will fall into place. Just walking and pausing, rhythmically, in tune with the music and in tune with your partner is better tango than many people manage. Add an element, here and there, but no faster than you can assimilate it within your own dance.

 

[Tango Distance]

RiseNFall, reading your post was a profound moment for me and boiled it down to a single sentence. You are right, my typical modus operandi was working perfectly professionally, and minimized those seconds of awkwardness at otherwise wonderful family gatherings where they would love me no matter what. Your post makes it obvious that my avoid/tolerate mindset is now interfering to a degee with this activity. That's great food for thought in how I move forward.

If it's not too personal I would be interested in hearing about those mind bending things.

Ah, but now it is interfering with something. You would not believe the things I have wrapped my head around for dance.

 

[RiseNFall]

All of it is too long, but here is one story:

Unlike you, I'm single. When I started dancing, my son was still home and I really couldn't go to the dance studio as often as I wanted to or needed to during the week. I really wanted dance classes to be offered at 10:00 AM Saturday morning, but they weren't. The only way to get more floor time was to...go to the open-to-the-public dances on Saturday night, where I knew almost nobody. This was not easy, particularly since the guys were not likely to ask me to dance--initially I had to ask them. I remember once I walked in, saw that there wasn't anybody I knew and I had a sinking feeling. There was a collection of women not dancing in a corner and a row of guys not dancing, but watching the dancing on the floor. I thought, "right, I am NOT in middle school" and walked up to a guy and asked him if he would like to finish the dance with me. He was delighted. That scenario has been played out many, many times: that's what I had to do at the time if I wanted to practice. It took a lot of courage on my part, but people watching me had absolutely no idea I was uncomfortable. I was reported to look completely at ease when inside I was thinking, "WHY did I think this was a good idea???"

What is taking the most redefining of myself is competing. I am beginning to have moments where I do not think of myself as the competitor who might really prefer hiding in the corner. Really, I used to try to convince myself that I was anonymous on the dance floor--not a very effective approach!

You get the idea: I want to do X; I do NOT want to do Y, but not doing Y is standing in the way of my doing X. Better figure out how to do Y.

 

[MintyMe]

I am not touchy feely at all and neither is my (engineer) spouse.

We took twice-weekly group lessons for about five years, always rotating and switching partners, and also making a point to do the same at social dances. Neither one of us were fond of it, but we endured.

We eventually took private lessons and when the awkwardness of switching partners was removed, we really fell in love with dancing. The physical and emotional connection, to each other and to the music, sense of freedom and feeling of togetherness is awesome!

This made us realize how much we preferred and enjoyed dancing together, rather than with strangers. We've carried that to the social dance floor too-- we almost never dance with other people. This is what has made us love dancing!

I know all the reasons why we "should" be dancing with other people, etc. and I certainly admire the ease with which other people do that.

But at some point I think it's ok not to have to get used to it.
I mean, isn't it?

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

I am not touchy feely at all and neither is my (engineer) spouse.

We took twice-weekly group lessons for about five years, always rotating and switching partners, and also making a point to do the same at social dances. Neither one of us were fond of it, but we endured.

We eventually took private lessons and when the awkwardness of switching partners was removed, we really fell in love with dancing. The physical and emotional connection, to each other and to the music, sense of freedom and feeling of togetherness is awesome!

This made us realize how much we preferred and enjoyed dancing together, rather than with strangers. We've carried that to the social dance floor too-- we almost never dance with other people. This is what has made us love dancing!

I know all the reasons why we "should" be dancing with other people, etc. and I certainly admire the ease with which other people do that.

But at some point I think it's ok not to have to get used to it.
I mean, isn't it?

I would agree, there is nothing wrong in being that way. Not everyone enjoys the same thing.
In the case of the topic starter, however, his wife wants to mingle, and she and her family are stirring him toward
the change. And perhaps, he also wishes to try for that change.
I believe taking a private lesson would be a useful suggestion in his case, too. A total stranger he has to dance with will be at the same time a professional who is ready to deal with and help him to get through his challenges, who will be patient, gentle, and who won't judge. That may be a lot easier.

 

[MaggieMoves]

I am not touchy feely at all and neither is my (engineer) spouse.

We took twice-weekly group lessons for about five years, always rotating and switching partners, and also making a point to do the same at social dances. Neither one of us were fond of it, but we endured.

We eventually took private lessons and when the awkwardness of switching partners was removed, we really fell in love with dancing. The physical and emotional connection, to each other and to the music, sense of freedom and feeling of togetherness is awesome!

This made us realize how much we preferred and enjoyed dancing together, rather than with strangers. We've carried that to the social dance floor too-- we almost never dance with other people. This is what has made us love dancing!

I know all the reasons why we "should" be dancing with other people, etc. and I certainly admire the ease with which other people do that.

But at some point I think it's ok not to have to get used to it.
I mean, isn't it?

If you aren't OK with it with strangers, then I'd be perfectly fine with it. I've been dancing now for quite awhile, and while I prefer to practice with body contact I'll rarely do it in any kind of dance social... unless I know the guy previously... or I like him.

The body contact seems to need trust for it to work though.

 

[Tango Distance]

TomTango you got it right, engineer is my job title. That's a really good idea to think in terms of dynamics. Larry, greetings to another engineer. I know I complained about switching partners, but I have to admit it gave rise to a huge breakthrough for me, hopefully it is helpful to you.

In the ballroom class and beginning of Tango class, dancing with my wife took forces comparable to shoveling snow -- it was a vertical wrestling match. (BTW the instructor told her to quit trying to lead.) I thought dancing was like playing solitaire -- if you had a really good memory and could remember and execute the steps then you were a good dancer. Mistakes were prevented or corrected through brute muscle force.

Then one of the partners in the class moved like she was reading my mind whilst chit chatting at the same time about education. Instead of pounds of force it was just ounces. It was a big "aha!" moment for me. I suddenly realized dancing was more about communication by touch rather than physically pushing your partner around. My wife and I started working on that. She would push hard to one side, I would say something. BTW she said other guys she rotated through told her the same thing. If she started trying to lead, I would say "Let me lead" or "Follow my lead." Wow, it was magic! I call it "power steering." Moving around with just hints of pressure and body posture is great fun.

Another partner in class closed her eyes, and to my surprise could follow along even when I didn't do the step sequence in the right order. That showed me that it must be tactile communication. I suggested it to my wife, and she actually dances better with her eyes closed. Being a visual learner (as many engineers are) this was very eye opening for me.

Something else I'm finding fun is error recovery. I do amateur car racing, too. No matter how well you have memorized the course, the braking points, the line, etc. you make the occasional mistake. It is great fun to recognize the mistake early and correct it by doing something a little off-plan. I don't know that this is being a good dancer, but I'm finding it fun to recognize a mistake early (or another dancer suddenly forces you off your plan) and have to suddenly do something different. I'm not claiming to be good, but once in a while the feedback loop is fast enough it looks like I intended it all along -- great fun when it works out.

How do you enjoy the learning aspect of tango? Your well-written and well-ordered initial post and subsequent responses have me pegging you as a logical and process oriented person. If you are, the more analytic aspects of tango can be highly rewarding and addicting. The cause-effect relationship of lead and follow, the biomechanics of forces, breaking down the steps to learning a new sequence, then breaking it apart and improvising with it...those are things people can find just as enjoyable as the social dancing aspect, if not more so. It's one of the reasons so many engineers get into tango, and something I believe tango does especially well compared to other dances.

I could be off the mark. But if I'm not, my advice would be to try to focus on these aspects of tango versus the touchy-feely side - at least at first.

Shoot, wish it would happen already for me. I'm an engineer and got into tango, more or less, about 9 years ago since my spouse was interested. Still can't get the hang of it, for various reasons, and it always feels like a huge grind to try and remember what I'm supposed to be doing while at the same time being aware of where my follower is at. Admittedly, tango is one one of the dances I do so am not totally concentrating on it alone, but would love to be able to cross over the threshold to where I can relax and just enjoy myself.

In some ways I can sense that tango just isn't my dance, but I keep at it mostly for my spouse (she's OK with going by herself when I'm busy or just not up for going)

 

[Zoopsia59]

I have a suggestion for you that might help both your discomfort and your wife's tendency to back lead.

First some basic technique stuff:

I'm going to assume that your teacher has talked about how the lead comes more from the chest than the arms. Even if you are dancing in an open embrace, you should be signaling your intention with your body and not just relying on moving the follower with your arms. Even in open embrace, tango is not danced with a rigid ballroom type "frame".

It is the follower's job to move herself based on your lead (the follower that felt "light" to you was most likely doing this) It is not your job to move her. It is her responsibility to move however she needs to in order to maintain whatever initial relationship the 2 of you established for your bodies, unless you actively prevent her (some advanced moves require that... you wouldn't be doing those yet). So for example, if you are dancing 10" apart, totally parallel, with her directly in front of you (toe to toe) then that's the physical orientation that she needs to be trying to maintain.

So here's an exercise you and your wife can do outside of class: Have her put her right hand on your chest with her elbow bent and pointing straight down to the floor. You do not touch each other in any other way. You can clasp your hands behind your back low (at butt height so your elbows aren't sticking out). That will also help you keep your shoulders down and project your chest forward where just letting them dangle at your side won't. If this is too hard at first, she can place both hands on your chest or on your biceps. Work your way towards using just her right hand on your chest. Regardless of where she places her hands, you do not touch her. If she pulls away from you or breaks the connection, it's her mistake. (unless of course you give an unclear lead)

Now practice what you've been taught, without relying on the patterns (so she can't anticipate). She can't backlead you and she has to stay with you on her own.

Work on this with her so you get the idea of how to lead with your body, dancing with someone you are comfortable with. Then try to find a practica to attend and tell the followers you dance with that you would like to practice that way so that you can learn to lead without overusing your arms. It will minimize contact with the woman while also improving your leading skills!

As you get more accustomed to the dance itself, you can gradually increase the contact you have with other partners. You may even find that you are ready emotionally to do so. I'd also suggest making friends with some other people in the class and practicing with them outside of class. Then you can use this technique with that person to expand your comfort zone. You can even tell them the "real" reason you are doing it.

You might also see if your teacher is receptive to you using this method in class (ask outside of class time) Tell the teacher flat out that you are doing it because of your discomfort with touch so s/he doesn't think you are critical of the teacher's instruction.