Not touchy feely

Pseudo Close Embrace

At the beginning of my class the instructor announced we would be doing close embrace. Most of the weeks rolled by. We did get a little bit closer for one of the gancho moves and for one of the barrida moves, but no real close embrace... That was until the last class, when the instructor announced we'd be doing close embrace that lesson. This time I happened to be standing right by the door, and considered leaving. I didn't leave (huge improvement for me in the last few months), but the stress levels were rising. The instructor explained how moving a bit closer would make a particular barrida move go better. In this case, this meant my hand was on the lady's right shoulder blade rather than left. This still left a gap, with no squishing of torsos together. I think it also helped being among friends, classmates that I know. It was almost anticlimatic – Tango Distance survives his first close embrace encounters! Yes, I know you true-Tango types will say that was not real close embrace, and I agree. I think the instructor is being clever (and he told me as much) that he is gradually introducing moving closer, that it was a tough thing to get people to suddenly move closer. While it didn't cross into the fun zone, I'll consider it another step forward that I did it. We'll see what the next class brings. Look for tomorrow's post for the promised true close embrace misadventure story.
 
:) I love your stories. You are doing terrifically! I hope you are giving yourself lots of credit... even with a misadventure story coming! Remember, I have been dancing for almost five years, and I barely got though the mini-class I was in over the weekend.
 
Tango Distance does Apilado Close Embrace
He Should Have Stayed Home!

An expert dance instructor was visiting within driving distance. My dw made no secret of wanting me to go. I wasn't sure I was advanced enough for it. I emailed the host, explaining my experience level and that I had only open embrace training. The host asked the instructor and said it would be a good thing for me to do. Some solo exercises were pretty easy. I didn't care for the instructor touching me in a surprisingly large number of locations (as with everyone). It was very clinical, just out of my comfort zone. Then came the actual dancing part. There was no prelude, no pillows, no closing the eyes, no gradually moving closer together. My partner just jammed up against me apilado style. It's a good thing it was my dance alter ego (DAE) there and not the Real Tango Distance (RTD). DAE survived but struggled. This apilado stuff is very different from open embrace. It was very hard for me to understand what the instructor wanted us to do. That's no slam on the instructor, everyone else seemed to be getting it. I think apilado is more subtle and harder to see from the outside what is happening – with open embrace I can see movements. It is hard to see what to do when it involves pressure rather than motion. I was next paired with one of my regular classmates. We both just stood there not knowing exactly what to do and shy (at least on my part) about full on embracing. The instructor ran over and paired me with someone else. I struggled so badly finally the instructor paired me with a very experienced lady, who was stuck with me for the rest of the night whilst everyone else rotated partners. Yes, it was that bad, and wasn't getting better. Finally, they called over a large, strong male that brute force showed me what to do. No joke, all this and they said I still wasn't getting how to transition between forward and backward steps! The night ended. I offered my hand to shake with the hostess who also was the very experienced lady who was my partner. She pushed right past my outstretched hand and hugged me! Funny that I had just spent ½ hour pressed up against this same female but still didn't want to be hugged. Hmmm, maybe I should remain DAE for a few minutes after dancing stops. Everyone was very gracious, but I feel bad that I was so far behind the curve and probably should have done some beginner close embrace instruction before jumping into a more advanced visiting instructor thing. As you likely guessed, I didn't feel any of the close embrace magic about which many here on DF rave! Side note: This experience helped me realize how well my current instructors explain things; I couldn't seem to follow what the 2 instructors wanted at this event. I think part of it is I'm a very visual learner, and don't understand verbal descriptions as readily.

I exchanged more email with the hosts/instructors. I thanked them for the workshop and apologized for being so far behind the curve (bad enough, IMHO, that I shouldn't have gone). I really should have left early rather than take 100% of the resource of an experienced instructor. She emailed back that we had “connection” but to be honest I don't know what she meant by that – I couldn't seem to do anything more complicated than walking forward to either instructor's satisfaction. I also realize it might be Mr. Not Touchy Feely here didn't pick up on the “connection” thing, maybe it's analogous to how hugs generally don't connect me to others (dw excepted!). Indeed, a prolonged hug is a good way to emotionally disconnect me from the hugger! Other things do connect me to others, it's just that hugs are outside that set. I suppose it was a step forward that I was willing to try true CE and carried through with it. It's a step backward in that I left feeling discouraged, and thinking of drawing the line at open embrace and never doing close embrace (except with dw, of course), or switching to another dance style. The logical brain says I jumped into too advanced a class too soon and to not weight that data point too heavily in my Kalman Filter.
 
It is not unusual for there to be a decision made to pair a more experienced follow with a less experienced lead...and to keep that pairing for the most of the class (more experienced follow is likely taking classes below her actual level and is fine with it...as evidenced by the hug at the end of the evening).

Short version of what could be a long response: likely everything running through your head resulted in your body being too stiff to get what they were trying to get you to feel. And if you are anything like me, your brain shut down in alarm part way through the class. :D We have somewhat different issues, but I can really relate to "I do not understand what they are trying to teach to me AT ALL."
 
RiseNFall said:
It is not unusual for there to be a decision made to pair a more experienced follow with a less experienced lead...and to keep that pairing for the most of the class (more experienced follow is likely taking classes below her actual level and is fine with it...as evidenced by the hug at the end of the evening).

Short version of what could be a long response: likely everything running through your head resulted in your body being too stiff to get what they were trying to get you to feel. And if you are anything like me, your brain shut down in alarm part way through the class. :D We have somewhat different issues, but I can really relate to "I do not understand what they are trying to teach to me AT ALL."
Click to expand...

What she said. I suspect you were doing better than you thought, but the anxiety kept you from feeling and trusting the connection. I think it's great you stuck it out despite your frustration. The lady you were finally paired with was there to help, and it sounds like she was happy to do so. Don't beat yourself up about it. You tried, didn't run away, and probably learned something even if you can't access it right now. The slower approach probably is better for you, but I think it's OK to stretch every once in a while like this. I think this account shows progress!
 
Tango Distance said:
My dw made no secret of wanting me to go.
Click to expand...

She made sure you won't go into close embrace with anyone for the years to come.
Well played.

Reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbes comics.

Calvin: Mom, may I smoke a cigar?
Mom: Sure, Calvin.
Six-year-old Calvin smokes the cigar and soon gets sick.
Mom: Did learn a little lesson today?
Calvin: Yes. Never trust your mom.
 
Thanks twnklotz and risenfall for the encouragement. I realize it's not all loss. My first day skiing I fell a bunch of times. My first try at a black diamond run I fell many times, too. Yes, it was cold, wet, and miserable in the short term, but today I'm glad I did it. I figure I'll keep doing the fun stuff I have been doing and not overly worry about the future.

BTW we did some "90 degree V embrace" in class recently for a particular figure. The move definitely needs work but I weathered it OK!
 
More Unintended Consequences and Tango Distance Dances with his Instructor

Being a numbers kind of guy, I thought I could gradually increase the number of females I would dance with at a Milonga. Unintended consequence: This plan can be at odds with dancing with classes of people, like beginners and classmates. At the last milonga at my studio I arranged to do the first and last 3 tandas of the night with DW, planned to do one song late in the evening with my instructor (hoping to remember it this time), and dance with newbies and classmates.

After the 3 tandas with DW, I asked my instructor to point out any newbies from the beginners class. The newbies thing works for me on multiple levels: It's a mission of sorts to encourage the newbs. As I'm dancing simpler, more basic steps it takes less intense concentration, so it is easier. I'm not sure exactly why, but it is great fun to successfully lead someone through a step they never have done before, and just a fun, smiling “oops” if it doesn't go perfectly. Finally, the newbs seem to be super appreciative. Back to talking to my instructor now: She pointed out the single newbie from the beginner's class, and then pointed out ladies from my current class (“you know lady x, you know lady y, …”). She was on a roll so she said “You know your wife, of course,” and suggested one of her employees that was experienced in other dance forms but newer to Tango. My instructor has read this topic, and we have discussed it a little bit. I thought it showed a good people sense on her part that she did not say anything about dancing with her – no pressure, come to me on your schedule when you are ready.

I wound up dancing with 8 ladies that night, double the “numbers plan.” I appreciate all the good advice here on DF. For instance, it was good to understand the tanda structure and know it is OK to start a tanda late but to not end it early. I danced about half the tandas, dw had several and the rest one each. It was a nice pace that gave some time to be social and cool down all the way.

The night went more quickly than I expected. I asked my instructor. I thought I would be fine, given my run up of switching partners in practicas, other milongas, and having danced with 7 other ladies that night. OTOH, the magnitude of my failure with the dissociation dance dictated caution, so I just did the last song of a tanda.

The dance went very well, and I even did some (for me) more advanced moves. I finished with a smile on my face. My instructor seemed genuinely very happy at the success. I looked at her and said “Thank you! Now that I have conquered that I can quit switching partners.”

The reality was that statement was a dark humor joke I had intended to play on her but forgot to do.

Once home, I felt a simple happiness that lacked my usual post-milonga mental swirl. Maybe it was having slain a personal dragon; maybe I'm starting to get this Tango thing; maybe it was being more experienced; maybe it was being more social; maybe it was because things went mostly as planned; or maybe it was having spread some smiles to more people. One point I do know is it is easier for me to be among the fellow students I know, and to a lesser degree people I at least recognize, than to be at a distant milonga where almost everyone is a stranger. BTW, hats off to those who can walk into a room full of strangers and plug right in!

Unintended consequence: Usually it is DW worrying about TD getting dances (and TD says to not worry, I'm fine!). I never thought about the reverse problem where I would get more dances than she would. We'll have to work that out, maybe I'll dance with others only when she has a dance lined up or wants a rest.
 
That could be another unintended consequence! Even though DW dances with as many men as she can, and promotes my dancing with others, she has shown a tiny bit of jealousy (maybe 2 minutes worth total in 6 months). Seems to me she shouldn't have any worries with Mr. Not Touchy Feely here.
 
High on Hugs, Eye Contact, and Smiles

As I have written previously, I'm not a touchy-feely guy and would live quite happily with less hugging (DW excepted!). This is at odds with the dancing community, huggers are everywhere! I took my instructor into my confidence and really appreciate that she high-fives rather than hugs me. With another classmate I made a couple of attempts at saying I didn't like being hugged. Her response both times was to hug me hard. Lesson learned, don't discuss hugging with her! When I can't slip out before the hugging starts it is easier to suffer the hug rather than get the looks of shock, pity, and/or disbelief, or worse yet people wanting to talk about it. This means TD is now getting about 10x the hugs on an annualized basis than he did before.

Maybe I'm getting desensitized a bit, like with allergy shots (sorry huggers of the world to compare hugs to allergies!). We had some of our classmates to our unit. Not long ago I never would have thought it would happen at my place, but a room was cleared of furniture and some Tango dancing broke out. Of course, when everyone left all the ladies wanted to hug me on the way out. For some reason, maybe it was the home turf or the afterglow of a fun get together, but the hugging didn't seem to be as big a deal as usual for me. I remember thinking at the time “Maybe I am getting desensitized.”

We traveled to a big city Tango event. We intended to just do the milonga, but arrived at the tail end of the class before it. Everyone was in a tight group hug. The instructor was cooing “Isn't this wonderful?” Everyone was cooing back about how wonderful it was. I stayed as far from the group as the physics of walls would allow, and adopted the smooth, minimally noticeable walk I use when out in downtown Los Angeles after midnight. I managed to slip out a door. Whew!

The milonga had not started yet. A lady from the group hug that I know from my home town milongas walked up. I think she was high on hugs and decided to become a pusher to try to get more people addicted to hugs. I haven't figured out exactly how yet, but I'm sure in some way she is hugely and illegally profiting from hugs. She knows I'm not a hugger, but people high on hugs don't always think straight and make good decisions. I was holding a used paper plate. She grabbed it. I assumed she wanted to politely throw it away for me. We played tug-of-war for a while. Just shy of the point of the plate rending in half, I said the plate was still in use and that I wanted to keep it. Finally she relaxed her grip, pointed to a nearby horizontal surface, and asked me to put the plate there. Mr. Oblivious here had no clue as to what was about to occur, even though that group hug thing should have been a really big clue. Too quick for me to react and escape, she did a hug that would have been overkill had I saved her child from certain death and then handed her a check for the winnings of a $100M USD lottery. I stood there motionlessly, not reciprocating in any way. Being high on hugs, that didn't deter her. Minutes ticked by (DW says it was mere seconds, but it felt more like minutes!). Finally I realized playing possum wasn't working. In an effort to bring it to a gracious-for-me end, I did the most minimal return hug I could: It was an elbows-out, hands on the shoulder blades for a millisecond hug. More minutes (DW says seconds) ticked by... She was still firmly attached. In a second attempt to end the hug I tried the “two back pats” version of the most minimal hug thing. More minutes (DW still claimed just seconds) ticked by. Finally she let go. I felt embarrassed, grabbed the plate to repopulate it with some treats, and scooted out of there. In retrospect I realize I took it more calmly than normal. Usually I would be saying literally “OK that's enough” and literally squirming away if a hug goes beyond a moment. DW estimates this one lasted 20 to 30 seconds. Towards the end of the night, I did ask the high-on-hugs lady to dance with the proviso of no close embrace. She had had time to come down off her hug high and we had a nice tanda with big smiles but no hug at the end.

Being an out-of-town thing, there were many people I didn't know at this milonga. It also had chairs around the perimeter, so it was easy to see people along the line-of-dance. Almost all those seated were female. Almost all the dancing was close embrace by what looked like very experienced dancers. I felt out of my league and just danced with the few people I knew from my home town. I find it amusing that I left for an hour in the middle and DW didn't say a word, apparently she didn't even notice my absence! Something new for me (I think mostly due to the seating arrangement) was the number of smiles I got from those seated. Maybe some were incipient mirada/cabeceo, but I think it was mostly a reflection of my smile when I would pull off a fancy move with no one getting hurt.
 
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