Not as an analogy, but as an example: I also understand why would someone ... would have the gut-reaction of disgust to the first gay pride parade he sees. ... this understanding does not warrant at all to join a crowd which claims that gays should be blamed for parading on the streets
I find this to be a rather useless comparison to the actual situation we are discussing. The OP did not just
witness others engaging in something she found in conflict with her personal values and judge the
other people. She was
directly targeted and approached and found herself judging
herself.
A much more comparable situation would be a straight man who gets propositioned by a gay man and subsequently questions what he is doing to send off vibes that might make others think he is gay and whether he should change his behavior or stop going certain places. He might also view that incident as a "warning" that he needs to heed to prevent something worse next time from someone more aggressive who misconstrues his demeanor or behavior.
As long as there is no physical or psychological coercion involved and the parties merely express their preferences and propose options to others in a consensual basis, without intention to cause harm, there is no reason to retaliate
I agree. That's why I pointed out that the guy in question clearly knows that a dance is not an invitation for sex because he didn't ACT on such an assumption. He instead made the invitation for sex himself. I also didn't advise her to retaliate (nor did anyone else that I read) I advised her to be direct and upfront with him the next time she sees him, both to honor what you are saying and to regain a sense of control of the situation in which she found herself (which should help her get past this quickly).
The part of the OP's story that seemed significant to me was that she was shocked, but
not unduly distressed, at the time of the incident. It was LATER,
the next time she went out to tango that her anxiety kicked in. I think it's important to note that she
didn't overreact to the incident, but that her worries came from a
re-evaluation of herself and tango in general that occurred
after the fact.
This is so reminiscent of mild PTSD or a victim of assault, that to say she shouldn't make more of this than it warrants (while true) is somewhat useless advise. She DIDN"T make much of this at the time. She got freaked later and unexpectedly when she went to engage in the activity again. So bringing out her subconscious reaction, emotions and thought process to the incident is important to
prevent it from taking on too much significance.
Ironically, I think you and I agree on the most basic elements of this situation. But I think there is a big difference in telling someone something along the lines of: "You shouldn't be bothered by this so much" vs saying to them. "You don't have to allow this to bother you to the extent of making changes in your life and behavior. You can regain a sense of control and get over this quickly". One response is invalidating and the other is empowering.
I agree that the word "blame" in respect to him may be a bit harsh. The point is though that she shouldn't believe that she brought this on herself by something that
she needs to change.
He is responsible for his assumptions, desires and how he acts on them, so saying "He is responsible" (for the incident itself) may be a better way to put it, that "He is 'to blame'". And it is HER responsibility to do what she needs to do to move past it, including posting on a message board if that's what helps her.
My guess is that just relating the incident and getting feedback will probably make a huge difference when she goes out to tango next time. I hope so! (LoveTango, I hope you will post an update next time you go out, so we'll know how you're doing)
