Single follower at Milongas (to risk or not to risk)

[TTanguero]

As I said whether at a local milonga or visiting, observing the room and the dance floor goes a long way.

Heh, maybe your usual milongas are less crowded than mine! I can see the few couples closest to me, rarely more than that.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

At 55, most of my partners still call me "young man."

At some local places, I feel ancient. There are followers under the age of 30, a bunch under 40, and very few over 50.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

It is almost like they are trying to avoid someone. That could also means others they may not be trying to avoid won’t try to ask them. But most often they are waiting for someone to walk within the range, get their attention and then Cabaceo or ask.

Fairly common. But, really, it's better to be proactive if you want to dance.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

Many venues we have are not conducive to cabeceo/mirada, s

Oh, how about when the tables are laid out along the edge of the dance floor and those seated are looking at the dance floor with the rest of the crowd behind them. And no seats along the opposite wall. To catch someone's attention there, you would have to do so from the dance floor.

 

[itwillhappen]

Generally, lower-level classes are follower-heavy, so much so that they need leaders to volunteer as accompaniers, while higher-level ones are leader-heavy, so much so that they need followers to volunteer as accompaniers. And private instructors who dance as followers with leaders-in-training outnumber those who dance as leaders with followers-in-training (of course, those who don't dance with students at all and work only with couples are the most numerous of all). I know there's the popular image of the follower protégée who learns from the maestro, but it's rare in my experience.

As long as one does something voluntarily in the leisure sector, the benefits obviously outweigh the benefits for them, otherwise they wouldn't do it. You can of course pick out individual areas and discuss them, but then there are always counterweights that you just ignore.
Apart from that, I also think that followers have a much harder time finding partners as beginners, then have a sense of achievement much faster, and then go through a much longer dry spell than leaders.

 

[Dupont]

I'm amazed that you can find a dance opportunity at ballroom events in your area if you go alone.

In USA, finding dance partners at ballroom events is entirely possible, even during the first visit. Lead or follow.

To succeed, some experience in social dancing is needed, which includes actual dancing and knowledge of etiquette at events.

To avoid are very small events, dancing events in restaurants, small studios, events lasting one hour or shorter.

 

[Brummbaer]

Oh, how about when the tables are laid out along the edge of the dance floor and those seated are looking at the dance floor with the rest of the crowd behind them. And no seats along the opposite wall. To catch someone's attention there, you would have to do so from the dance floor.

I just said similar to that...

the long and narrow hall with everyone gathered at one end - and frequently at the back. Cabeceo/mirada, if used at all, is only possible from the dance floor, and then only to the few people on the front.

Cabeceo/mirada can work at some venues - those of long-standing in BsAs and some purpose designed dancehalls, and where that suits those attending. We have to use the affordable venues that are available: church/village halls, pubs/bars, sports centres, etc. (some, surprisingly, built for dancing). For these, compromises are necessary - and it depends on the venue.

And, for the situation you describe, it was a codigo to clear the floor during the cortina, so returning dancers could invite via the walkaceo, or compromise to invite those nearby. Bit trickier to cabeceo if you want to follow the codigo of waiting for the tanda to start.

 

[Bailango]

You start with the statement to sit where you can be cabeceo'd otherwise you're not interested in dancing, but then describe a difficult room layout where it's not always practical for some to even use cabeceo and other forms of invitation are used.

The smart dancers (leaders and followers) will get up and move around during the cortina. There are some that insist on sticking to their chair and don’t get asked. My observation. So they clearly don’t want to make it easy for anyone to ask.

I've come across worse: the L-shaped room in a pub, or the long and narrow hall with everyone gathered at one end - and frequently at the back. Cabeceo/mirada, if used at all, is only possible from the dance floor, and then only to the few people on the front. Or even a big dance floor with poor lighting over any seating such that you can't make out anyone over the other side.

I have been to all sorts of odd shaped and oddly arranged places. One of our local milonga floor is like a trapezoid with seating sofas all around but uneven. One group of followers invariable sits together in a dark corner. If it was sufficiently lit, it still would be impossible to Cabaceo the way room is shaped and arrange

Many venues we have are not conducive to cabeceo/mirada, so people work out othe means: the walkeceo, or just verbally asking someone on your table or group. Structured groups sitting opposite isn't always good, and may have been abandoned, unless that's the only game plan allowed. You have to observe whatever customs apply there, and design a strategy for your objective. Social involvement, overall, gives the best returns. And if you want to dance (either role) look as if you're available and would be pleased to dance.

I have only heard of milongas with structured seating according to gender role. Never seen one myself adhering to that. The boldest is more of the point I emphasize. Don’t expect people to read your mind, you might be sending wrong or confusing signals. If you want to dance, make it easier for people to be able to ask you.

 

[Bailango]

I'll add further advice to the lone follower: Sit near the leader(s) with whom you want to dance. Don't invite them, or necessarily even talk with them. Just sit close by.

One newer follower where I dance a couple of times a week did that with me. Nobody invited her. She sat near me but didn't otherwise engage. I had a clear sightline to her and invited her because it was easy. We danced, she danced well, and then other guys started to invite her. Done.

I saw her last night and she was so popular it was hard to get a dance with her. I think she noticed, because she moved from where she'd been sitting to near me. And we danced again.

It seems fairly effective.

Yep. A common tactic I see followers who want to get danced adopt. There are some that will just come and have a friendly conversation when you get to milonga or are standing by yourself. There are some who will acknowledge you with a smile or greeting when they come across you. There are many effective social lubricants that convey “you can ask me for a dance” vibes. It lowers friction than create one by indulging in behaviors mentioned in various posts.

 

[itwillhappen]

Sure, you have to get involved somehow, otherwise you'll soon be gone. But once that is achieved, I would switch back to a relaxed behavior. @TA_RA seems to be able to do that too.

It would be too exhausting for me to constantly manipulate other people to dance with me. When I want to sit, I sit, when I want to stand, I stand, and when I want to walk, I walk.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

Bit trickier to cabeceo if you want to follow the codigo of waiting for the tanda to start.

Yeah, I always like to hear the music first before I make a decision to dance.

 

[Brummbaer]

Yeah, I always like to hear the music first before I make a decision to dance.

I do as well, but I can make compromises if the DJ is at least publishing the next tanda tracks or theme.

 

[Bailango]

Sure, you have to get involved somehow, otherwise you'll soon be gone. But once that is achieved, I would switch back to a relaxed behavior. @TA_RA seems to be able to do that too.

It would be too exhausting for me to constantly manipulate other people to dance with me. When I want to sit, I sit, when I want to stand, I stand, and when I want to walk, I walk.

No one is suggesting manipulation. It is matter of having a good “social IQ”. I don’t dance in follower heavy milongas. If anything it can end up being leader heavy. Then too I find followers complaining that they aren’t getting asked or asked enough. Some of them are good friends but aren’t always aware who is trying to ask them. There are times I have to nudge them about a man trying to Cabaceo or ask. Their response is “Ohh I didn’t notice” or “really? Are you sure”. Other times I will offer a tip during dancing or chatting on sideline that they should try to get a dance with a particular leader who looks like he is good. He will be often a visitor or someone I have not seen before. Sometimes that good leader turns out to be a visiting instructor I am not aware about.

 

[Bailango]

On a different note. If the milonga is busy or the night is lead heavy or leaders have been keeping her busy dancing, there can be a stretch of a few milongas where I might not ask one of the regulars partners I dance with. The smart ones will make sure to come and ask me if the dry spell lasts 3 or 4 milongas.

 

[itwillhappen]

No one is suggesting manipulation. It is matter of having a good “social IQ”. I don’t dance in follower heavy milongas. If anything it can end up being leader heavy. Then too I find followers complaining that they aren’t getting asked or asked enough.

These are all adults who have already spent at least half their lives optimizing their "social IQ", consciously or unconsciously.
But well, you gave feedback, the factors from your point of view are now known to them. Does that solve their problem?

P.S. To me, manipulation is the mindset that I am now doing this, so let the other do that. And otherwise I can complain.