Tango and relationship

[LoveTango]

Then you probably shouldn't date tango dancers. (and I also figure you won't enjoy dancing it much beyond a certain level)

Basically you are objecting to the activity itself and what the activity requires. Similar to someone not wanting their partner to dance in public (or at all) because of a religious commandment. By following the hobby as it is practiced, the other person is engaging in something that is against your core beliefs (while being acceptable within the community of hobbyists.)

If a guy wanted to be a "swinger" (ie: someone who goes to partner-swapping sex parties, not someone who dances swing) and it was against your values and beliefs in monogamy, you would simply not get involved with that person because you would have totally conflicting values.

Your values are at odds with the hobby of Argentine Tango dancing as it is practiced by those who engage in it. Therefore, you're better off not dating a tango dancer (just as I wouldn't date a "swinger")

Trying to find a compromise in a difference too extreme requires too much change from both people. Expecting one of you to totally accommodate the other also requires too much change. It isn't fair for you to discard your values, and it isn't fair to expect someone to drop a cherished and well developed hobby, or be unable to engage in it in the way that is considered "accepted practice" of the hobby.

Your values are your values. People can say "You shouldn't feel that way", but it's not really their business what you feel about bodies and space around them. There ARE other people who share your feelings about the physicality of AT and even other forms of social dance.

But you won't find those people at tango events.

Getting involved with a tango dancer is just asking for problems given your feelings. Why go there?

There is a lot of wisdom in there!

However I think, Fazz, if you open your mind and keep doing tango, the personal space definition will change.

Before I started dancing AT, I was just as reserved about my personal space, if not more. I couldn't even deal with casual embrace from another female friend easily, not even with family members, like my mom and dad.

However, since I love this dance, I decided that I got to do it properly. I learned CE, practiced using CE. Now that my personal space opens up, I have started to embrace friends and relatives. It came out so naturally that it shocked myself when I did it to a distant relative the first time.

 

[LoveTango]

...To be honest, there was a time when I would ask people to dance with her, as she's in a good mood when she gets a lot of dances, and I'm usually the beneficiary when we get home.

My husband is just as smart. When we started, he pushed me to dance with more advanced leaders. Since I was very shy, he would try to get the leaders to dance with me, though he failed most of the time.

After he dropped out, he is still very supportive of my new favorite hobby. He said that if AT makes me happier and healthier, it is good. I love him and appreciate him more for that attitude.

 

[Mladenac]

@LoveTango
I am very glad that that kind of relationships still exists

 

[newbie]

keep them coming folks !

Well, there is this well-known quote, "dancing tango with one's husband is like reading yesterday's newspaper".
Here it would be "dancing tango with one's girlfriend...", but it's the same idea, even when you will be an advanced dancer, he will have better dances with unknown ladies than with you.

 

[Dave Bailey]

Huh, interesting thread.

Fazz, I think you're being very honest with what you want, and that's to be applauded. However, I think it's unlikely you'll find many people in the AT scene who share your point of view.

There's a whole spectrum of "dance choice", including

- Dance with anyone, all the time, no matter what
- Dance with people I know and like
- Dance with anyone except the last / first tandas
- Dance when asked by a certain set of people
- Dance with a small group of people including partner
- etc.

Your "dance only with my partner, ever" approach is at one extreme end of that spectrum (the other extreme being "dance with literally anyone"), and I think you'll find that there will be relatively few people who are at your end.

 

[Dave Bailey]

And the second part of my reply...

From a purely technical point of view, your dancing will suffer if you only ever dance socially with one partner. It will. Sorry, there's no avoiding that fact.

So if you do indeed want to learn the dance properly, you have to learn to dance it socially with different partners. The experience you get from this is invaluable and should help you develop a range of skills in terms of following.

In addition, the whole ethos of social partner dancing - not just AT - is largely about dancing with different people, to a larger or smaller extent. If you don't do this, you're missing out a whole swathe of experience.

Also, frankly, if I became involved with my partner and she then insisted on "Dance only with me", I'd find it fairly easy to part ways with her; it's simply not a reasonable demand to make.

 

[Dave Bailey]

And the third part... (!)

All the above comments notwithstanding, I do have some sympathy for the OP.

Tango is intimate, it is connected, and let's face it, sometimes stuff happens on the dance floor. It is, to a point, understandable if seeing your loved one embrace other women makes you upset.

So I have one question - would you dance Tango if you were not dating a Tango dancer? Or were you only dancing Tango because of him?

If the former, then I'd repeat the "don't date a Tango dancer" advice others have given.

If the latter, then I'd say "Don't do Tango".

 

[bordertangoman]

And the third part... (!)

All the above comments notwithstanding, I do have some sympathy for the OP.

Tango is intimate, it is connected, and let's face it, sometimes stuff happens on the dance floor. It is, to a point, understandable if seeing your loved one embrace other women makes you upset.

So I have one question - would you dance Tango if you were not dating a Tango dancer? Or were you only dancing Tango because of him?

If the former, then I'd repeat the "don't date a Tango dancer" advice others have given.

If the latter, then I'd say "Don't do Tango".

gordon bennett, that has really confused me; its like the conundrum with the two guards on the two doors one is a patholoigcal liar and the other always tells the truth; one door leads to Negrachas upstairs and one to Negrachas downstairs;

If you could only ask one question what would it be?

(@DB you asked two)

 

[Captain Jep]

gordon bennett, that has really confused me; its like the conundrum with the two guards on the two doors one is a patholoigcal liar and the other always tells the truth; one door leads to Negrachas upstairs and one to Negrachas downstairs;

If you could only ask one question what would it be?

(@DB you asked two)

? Confused I am!

But ... moving on ...

Yes, I agree with the personal space thing. It simply becomes less of an issue the longer you dance. I sometimes think it's only an issue to start with because of our prejudices. Particularly the idea that men cant control themselves faced with a pretty female. Some women seem to think that it is biologically impossible.

I wouldnt even say tango is the worst offender. IMHO bachata (or even bachatango ... lol) is much worse...

 

[Mladenac]

beauty of a female does not automatically means that men are attracted to them.
I know some of them that are gorgeous but when embrace they give me zero thrill.

Even if sth happen the person can decline proposition.

 

[Ampster]

So....hows your policy regarding tango and your personal relationship?

Thanks folks :cheers:

My wife and I are both tango dancers. We didn't use to be. Anyway, as our dance progressed, we eventually found that dancing exclusively with each other all night at every milonga tends to get a little bit boring. Besides, our dance did not progress because of the exclusivity.

Since we're both secure in our relationship with each other, we started dancing with other partners all night. It's turned out great. It is also the norm in tango, as far as I'm concerned.

We do however reserve the first and last tanda for ourselves.

 

[opendoor]

..as far as I'm concerned..

absolutely!

 

[Angel HI]

Fazz, first let me say, welcome to the DF.

Now, having said that, you are probably not going to like the rest of this post. The bottom line.... Get over it.

There have been many threads here about AT and relationships, and persons being jealous, uncomfortable, possessive, angry, and on, and on, over their mates' personal spaces, behaviors (on the dance floor), choices of partners, styles, etc. The thing is, really, if you have a probleme with this, then the problem is not with the tango nor the relationship, it is with you. I don't mean to sound harsh or condescending, but let's face it, this man had a life before he met you. He had aspirations, likes, dislikes, habits, and characteristics before he met you. He had admirers before he met you. Why should these things change because he met you?

This should be on a life counseling thread rather than a AT thread, but persons too often look for others to change when they enter into a relationship, rather than look for one to enhance who/what they already are. Of course, we make changes according to our desires/feelings for the other person, but to be angry because "his" idea of "his" personal space does not match what "you" think "his" space should be is ridiculous.

The type of dancing that we do surpasses these kinds of superficialities. As you grow in your dancing, as someone else said, these things will.... should matter less and less because you will begin to understand what dance really is, and how it best serves the desires and goals of you both. It is so much more than; a style, an embrace, a (particular) partner. Yes, these are all very intricate and intimate things involved in the dance process, but they are merely catalysts... building blocks... stepping stones to what dance really is.... which is something very innate and unique to everyone. Even when 2 persons end a dance and both say, "That was great. Thank you.", they mean completely different things; each having received from the experience something unique and necessary, and desired for them at that moment. For you to stifle your relationship, let alone your dancing with such superficial and obsessive feelings as jealousy over personal space is depriving the both of you of the greatest gifts that dance in general, and AT in particular, has to offer.

Again, I am sorry of this sounds to crude. Persons here on the DF know that I am truly my namesake... really... . Yet, if you are ever going to enjoy all that dance is, you have to, at some point just let it go. Get over it.

 

[Zoopsia59]

This should be on a life counseling thread

but to be angry because "his" idea of "his" personal space does not match what "you" think "his" space should be is ridiculous.

The type of dancing that we do surpasses these kinds of superficialities.

such superficial and obsessive feelings as jealousy over personal space

Get over it.

This doesn't happen often Angel, but I'm gong to disagree with you.

For starters, I never read anywhere that she is angry at her bf for not changing or about the situation.

Also, not everyone does "the type of dancing" that YOU do. There are people "on the make" in the tango community and/or who use the contact and perceived intimacy nefariously. Not everyone is "above all that". Tango IS about "hooking up" for some people.

But more importantly, there are many people in the world who hold a value system that has prohibitions against things you and I might consider ok morally. This includes dancing, being the same room with the opposite sex, having physical contact with others, having certain types of contact, dressing certain ways, doing certain kinds of suggestive movements, etc, etc.

I think it is unfair to say that the poster needs counseling or should change her views because you don't happen to agree with her values concerning certain types of physical contact, and the hopes she has of finding a life-partner who shares those values.

I DO think it is fair to say (and she has said so herself in one of her posts) that it is unfair to ask a bf or gf to radically change or drop an activity just to appease your own sensibilities.

I DO think it is fair to say that if she is unwilling to compromise these feelings about personal space, then AT is not a promising activity for her and that dating an AT guy is probably not going to work out.

I think it is fair to suggest that she may find that it matters less to her as she develops as a dancer if she wants to continue to pursue tango. It may be that she will morph out of the issue on her own if she keeps dancing.

However, there are other people in the world who share her feelings regarding close physical contact outside of the primary relationship. It isn't silly or trivial. While I don't share her views, I don't think it is out of line to respect them while cautioning that the AT world is in contradiction of those views.

Berating someone for their values and passing judgment on those values is unnecessary.

(other than that, you know I still LURV you :kissme: )

 

[CANI]

This doesn't happen often Angel, but I'm gong to disagree with you.

For starters, I never read anywhere that she is angry at her bf for not changing or about the situation.

Also, not everyone does "the type of dancing" that YOU do. There are people "on the make" in the tango community and/or who use the contact and perceived intimacy nefariously. Not everyone is "above all that". Tango IS about "hooking up" for some people.

But more importantly, there are many people in the world who hold a value system that has prohibitions against things you and I might consider ok morally. This includes dancing, being the same room with the opposite sex, having physical contact with others, having certain types of contact, dressing certain ways, doing certain kinds of suggestive movements, etc, etc.

I think it is unfair to say that the poster needs counseling or should change her views because you don't happen to agree with her values concerning certain types of physical contact, and the hopes she has of finding a life-partner who shares those values.

I DO think it is fair to say (and she has said so herself in one of her posts) that it is unfair to ask a bf or gf to radically change or drop an activity just to appease your own sensibilities.

I DO think it is fair to say that if she is unwilling to compromise these feelings about personal space, then AT is not a promising activity for her and that dating an AT guy is probably not going to work out.

I think it is fair to suggest that she may find that it matters less to her as she develops as a dancer if she wants to continue to pursue tango. It may be that she will morph out of the issue on her own if she keeps dancing.

However, there are other people in the world who share her feelings regarding close physical contact outside of the primary relationship. It isn't silly or trivial. While I don't share her views, I don't think it is out of line to respect them while cautioning that the AT world is in contradiction of those views.

Berating someone for their values and passing judgment on those values is unnecessary.

(other than that, you know I still LURV you :kissme: )

GREAT post, Zoopsia59