Tango and relationship

Zoopsia59 said:
Also, not everyone does "the type of dancing" that YOU do. There are people "on the make" in the tango community and/or who use the contact and perceived intimacy nefariously. Not everyone is "above all that". Tango IS about "hooking up" for some people.

But more importantly, there are many people in the world who hold a value system that has prohibitions against things you and I might consider ok morally. This includes dancing, being the same room with the opposite sex, having physical contact with others, having certain types of contact, dressing certain ways, doing certain kinds of suggestive movements, etc, etc.

I think it is unfair to say that the poster needs counseling or should change her views because you don't happen to agree with her values concerning certain types of physical contact, and the hopes she has of finding a life-partner who shares those values. )I agree with you, and I sincerely hope that the poster did not read into my post that she needs counseling.
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I certainly hope that the poster doesn't feel that I suggest she needs counseling! I never said nor feel that!

Your rebuttals, however, only emphasize the points that 1- those persons who are in AT for the reasons you mentioned should be handled appropriately by the partner, and there should be an element of trust/understanding between these 2 that supercedes whatever another's ill intent might be, and 2- those persons with these other values related to dance/personal space/etc. need to evaluate heavily their involvements with things such as AT (or other social dance, for that matter).

I agree with everything that you posted.... and, yeah, I know you still do.... :wink:
 
I think I misinterpreted your comment about a life counseling thread to mean that she should be posting on one. Perhaps you meant that what YOU were writing should be on one.
 
Great Latin proverb:

"If you are in Rome, live in the Roman way, if you are elsewhere, live as they do there"

It can be applied in a lot of situations, e.g. like this one.
 
Hi Fazz

When I first read your OP I thought along two different paths.

The first was like most of the posts. This sounds like a rather possessive person and that does not normally work in the dance world.

The second was that you may be at a certain point in your life where your emotional requirements are taking precedence, for whatever reason.

Having said that I have found that your ideas with regard to your partner probabally do not work in the long run either in life or in the dance world. But who knows.

Whatever way you and your partner eventually decide, I wish you every happiness for the future.
 
HI all thanks for all wonderful replies. I dont know why I dont get any reply from the moderator, and i wrote quite a lot there. With regard to dchester suggestion, I dont have the link or url to my reply because as I replied in the box...i submitted it and its just gone and I got the msg to wait for moderator approval. But thanks for the suggestion.

basically im saying ...like zoopsia59 Its a matter of preference , i just need more exclusivity in my relationship.

I shouldnt started it at the first place.....but it was because I didnt aware of what I expect as i was very new into this tango scene and the guy was someone from other community.And I didnt know his attitude and relationsip with tango and its community. Still hurts till now.


Its just because we already in a relationship and tango gives strain in our relationship, apparently because my preference of relationship and his attitude towards tango.

I'm just wondering about other couple deal with this situation if they experience the same thing.

I went to some milongas last time and I tried to dance with guys and did some mistakes, just because i can't fully trust him to build the proper connection because they are stranger. I enjoy tango and really want to do that with my significant one if the one later dances tango. I always did my best when I danced with him. In the mean time its just something I want to do as a hobby and fully realise that it has something to do with man and woman stuff so it might have impact in my future relationship and I just have to prioritise the important one. I mean its not like photography or painting if you know what i mean : )

And thanks Ant for the wishes that's really kind of you : )
 
fazz said:
basically im saying ...like zoopsia59 Its a matter of preference , i just need more exclusivity in my relationship.

I shouldnt started it at the first place.....but it was because I didnt aware of what I expect as i was very new into this tango scene and the guy was someone from other community.And I didnt know his attitude and relationsip with tango and its community. Still hurts till now.
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Fair enough. Life is a learning curve.

And it's good you're being honest.

fazz said:
Its just because we already in a relationship and tango gives strain in our relationship, apparently because my preference of relationship and his attitude towards tango.
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I think you're being a little unfair here - you're asking that he change his entire behaviour. Other couples work it out without such draconian demands.

Of course, it may be that he is indeed untrustworthy and his dancing is too intimate. But if so, frankly, trying to control him is pointless, and you'd be better off out of that relationship anyway.

(I see what Angel meant about this feeling more like life counselling now :) )

fazz said:
I went to some milongas last time and I tried to dance with guys and did some mistakes, just because i can't fully trust him to build the proper connection because they are stranger.
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Practice.

fazz said:
I enjoy tango and really want to do that with my significant one if the one later dances tango. I always did my best when I danced with him. In the mean time its just something I want to do as a hobby and fully realise that it has something to do with man and woman stuff so it might have impact in my future relationship and I just have to prioritise the important one. I mean its not like photography or painting if you know what i mean : )
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In fairness, this issue will probably arise to a degree with all partner dancing.

fazz said:
And thanks Ant for the wishes that's really kind of you : )
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Ant's a sweetie.
 
Hi dave...

"I think you're being a little unfair here - you're asking that he change his entire behaviour. Other couples work it out without such draconian demands."
well its because he is not only dance with them. the relationship grows you know, and he has lots of female friends and well he used to be single and saying that the girls are platonic etc etc.......so yeah maybe the situation would be easier if he just come dance and not socialise if you know what i mean. Its not only about the dance but the whole scene thing, so yes if we want to work this out he needs to change a lot.

I dont know what I could expect that is not defined as draconian demands because i've thinked for options and what kind of requests I could expect form him. Its a changing partner for an intimate dance for a commited man in a relationship afterall. Unless he is a gay and he dances with woman. Not painting or photography.

It would be different altogether if we happen to be like the couple who enters the tango scene as husband and wife and thats how the community sees them.

and yes I agree that you say it would happen to a degree with all partner dancing.
 
Hi Dave,

I would need some enlightments for what i could expect from him that would defined as "non draconian demands ".... because I come up with things after a long toughts.

The situation is not based on the dance only but also it extends beyond the dancefloor. Its a community afterall. And he used to be single and an advanced leader. So you know what I'm talking about....and giving the fact that he considers those followers are platonic friends, but you know what I'm saying if there's a single man with many platonic female friends, that is still sickening for me. I mean you know how women are when they have favorite male friends...basically they're happy with eachother presence. So it was a tough field. And how all those happens? because of the great tango.


And I agree with you that it would happen to some degree in partner dancing.

Thus I wonder how other couples deal with this situation if they experience the same thing. Or at least of they have some agreement in this arena.
 
fazz said:
I went to some milongas last time and I tried to dance with guys and did some mistakes, just because i can't fully trust him to build the proper connection because they are stranger.
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A joke I sometimes make is that the difference between a beginning follower and an intermediate, is that the intermediate has learned how to blame her mistakes on the leader. Don't worry about mistakes. If tango was easy, it wouldn't take so long to learn.

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When my wife and I first started tango, she had similar issues with being in close embrace with "strangers". She jokes about it now, saying how it took her a little time to get used to it, and but now she loves it.

As for me, the only thought I had early on (other than I really suck at this), was that, "I hope none of these women think I'm hitting on them". I got over that, too.

You're on the right track. Just give it some time. My belief is that once you're able to relax with other people (and it will happen for you), you'll have some good dances, and then gain a new perspective.

:cool:
 
I have read some of the above and I feel some empathy for Fazz.

I have danced with my partner for some thirty years, when we have embarked in the past on trying other styles i.e. salsa etc. The studio encouraged dancing with other partners. "We had gone to learn salsa as a couple," not to help the studio to provide surrogate male partners to spread around its single ladies that abounded!

We were at the time experienced dancers and had no problem leading other ladies, our friends on the other hand were beginners and had embarked with the same mindset of dancing with each other. My friend was horrified of learning how to dance with complete strangers when all he wanted to do was to learn with his wife. He came out of the first session completely bemused and confused.

We were treated differently by others in the studio who took it as a personal affront that we wouldn't dance with others through the teaching period. We did however dance with others at social sessions, but certainly not for every dance bar the first and last!

Personally, if you go to a dance with a partner, to me its like going on a date and if you have one dance at the beginning and one at the end then maybe you are taking the wrong girl to the dance?

Maybe in AT it is the done thing to dance intimately with others, "but every dance bar two?"
 
Fazz, you sure aren't the first to deal with this issue. I think you'll find that at first, you'll want to dance mostly with him and that your comfort with him dancing with others will increase over time unless one of you provokes a blowup over it.

I also think that when a dancer has just started dating someone, and going dancing is just one thing to do on a date, you'll probably stay pretty close together throughout the evening. But as you get to know him better and trust increases, and as your dance interests broaden and you accumulate friends over the years in various dance communities (ballroom, tango, swing, C/W, salsa, etc.), you'll feel MUCH less sensitive about whom each of you dances with and how often.

My partner in life and dancing -- ten years together now and going strong -- and I normally do the first three of four dances together, and the last ones, and often seek each other out when a certain song or type of dance is played, but over the whole evening both of us dance with other people probably about half the time.
Jealousy isn't really an issue, although I will say that neither us gets up and goes to another table and spends a lot of time with another group, leaving the other alone.

One last thing. These same feelings can arise with any form of dance and probably have more to do with your feeling, maybe, less accomplished at tango than some of his other partners. This might be less about tango itself and its closeness than you think now. Ballroom dancing has as much thigh contact as tango (more than close embrace) and West Coast Swing has a lot of hip rolling and flirtatious eye contact.

Just set some ground rules about not abandoning each other for long periods, roughly what share of dances you'll do together, when you'll be going home, etc. I'll bet that the more friends and acquaintances you make and the more you learn to trust each other in that environment, the more you'll let go and enjoy it.
If the tango crowd is a little too intense for you right not, consider taking up C/W as a sideline. You'll find it relaxing and fun, and I think that will carry over to ballroom, tango and other dances.
 
Dave : sorry for the double post....the first one didn't appear so i make the second one apparently now both appear :P

Dchester: Thanks for sharing I'm happy for you two : )

Oldgeezer : I share the same perspective as yours. My (ex) partner said how could you hate the activity that actually we can do together .And I told him I would go with him but not to see him dancing with others....what kind of date that end up having me watching him asking and touching other woman. The point of a date is to go out together and experiencing things together and taking care of eachother. If otherwise is the scenario I would go out with my girlfriends do our own things and going home together talking about our own experiences.

Plugger : thanks for sharing. The thigh contact and flirtatious thingy assure me that those stuff are ok for commited partners as long as they dont change partners....how can such things shared with other opposite sex when one's commited. I really appreciate one of post I read in other thread that a guy dedicated close and intimate moves in AT for his partner only altough he dances with others too.

The fact of partner dancing are social dancing shows its purpose to socialise for man and woman to come together to meet up and I think thats the basic purpose why its called social dancing. Thus it is fundamentally not ok for commited partners to change partners in such scene.
 
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