Tango and relationship

[plugger]

Well, it's not entirely for men and women to come together and meet up. It's also so that they can enjoy dancing with a variety of partners, whether they're committed or not. I've known couples who only dance with their mates, and they're nice people, but that's a definite minority in my limited experience. This is something each couple needs to work out. Good luck!

 

[Zoopsia59]

social dancing shows its purpose to socialise for man and woman to come together to meet up and I think thats the basic purpose why its called social dancing. Thus it is fundamentally not ok for commited partners to change partners in such scene.

Ok, I defended you, now I'm going to defend the rest of us.

It is "fundamentally not ok" for YOU.

In other words whether or not it is ok is subjective and not a "fundamental fact". For the rest of us, it is ok, and you should not pass judgment on what we think is or isn't ok any more than people should be judging you for your beliefs about physical contact between men and women.

If the main purpose of social dancing was just to allow men and women to meet, then once they'd met and gotten involved, they'd stop dancing.

The fundamental purpose of dancing of any kind, social or not, is to DANCE. For those of us who have dance in our souls, we HAVE to dance. Dance is a purpose all unto itself.. the other people are just icing on the cake, the style of dance is the flavoring in the cake. But Dancing is the cake.

It is not ok for others to tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you feel about your own body and that of whoever you commit your life to. But it is also not ok for you to make a sweeping global statement about what is and isn't ok for committed couples that AREN'T you.

There is nothing fundamentally ok or not ok about dancing tango while in a relationship. It's just opinions and decisions that each person makes for themself.

 

[dchester]

Personally, if you go to a dance with a partner, to me its like going on a date and if you have one dance at the beginning and one at the end then maybe you are taking the wrong girl to the dance?

Maybe in AT it is the done thing to dance intimately with others, "but every dance bar two?"

I don't think you understand the etiquette for AT, at least not for any place I've danced at. If you go to a dance (in tango, we call them milongas), there is NO, None, Zero pressure to dance with anyone that you don't want to dance with. Thus, if a couple goes to a milonga and they don't want to dance with anyone else, that's fine. In fact, most men typically will not ask a woman to dance if she is with another guy (unless the man knows they are OK about dancing with other people). Also, some guys will ask the guy she is with, if it is OK to ask her to dance.

Now the etiquette for classes is different. In many classes, the expectation is that people will swap partners, and usually if a class is not going to be have swapping of partners, that information is included in the class description.

The issue for the OP is that she has a different opinion from her partner about who they will dance with at milongas. She asked for our opinions, and received them. If the OP and her partner were in agreement (whether it was to dance with only themselves, or to dance with others), then there would be no issue.

 

[Angel HI]

There have been some great comments that might help Fazz, and others, better understand my initial point. First, I do want to ditto this, by ant....

Whatever way you and your partner eventually decide, I wish you every happiness for the future.

afterall, to be happy is why we do it. Too often, we allow too many things which are really unrelated, and trivial to the overall goal, to get in the way of the purpose of just being happy through the dance.

I enjoy tango and really want to do that with my significant one

And, rightly you should. This is the ultimate "happy" in social dance... to be able to do it with someone who can connect in a way that is as special as the dance itself. I didn't mean to give this up. What I meant was to give up all of the things that will cause issue, hurdles, and deviations from reaching this desire. If sharing your feelings for tango with "him" (or whomever is the S.O.), is the desire, then agree between the two of you that it is a shared desire, and focus on "that", and not all of the other unimportant parts (what other women might want/feel).

A joke I sometimes make is that the difference between a beginning follower and an intermediate, is that the intermediate has learned how to blame her mistakes on the leader.

OK... , a sidebar, but I like it. I might steal it.

You're on the right track. Just give it some time. My belief is that once you're able to relax with other people (and it will happen for you), you'll have some good dances, and then gain a new perspective.

And, I believe this, too. Just that you are willing to; bear it here, take/share in the thoughts/opinions of all of us, continue to reply says that you are on the right track. And, I definitely agree that your perceptions will change as you grow in AT and in life as a direct/indirect result of AT.

 

[Dave Bailey]

well its because he is not only dance with them. the relationship grows you know, and he has lots of female friends and well he used to be single and saying that the girls are platonic etc etc.......so yeah maybe the situation would be easier if he just come dance and not socialise if you know what i mean. Its not only about the dance but the whole scene thing, so yes if we want to work this out he needs to change a lot.

Yeah, I got that. Basically, this topic has gone waaaay away from "dancing" by now I think...

It would be different altogether if we happen to be like the couple who enters the tango scene as husband and wife and thats how the community sees them.

Yes, I agree, that would be different.

 

[Mladenac]

Its not only about the dance but the whole scene thing, so yes if we want to work this out he needs to change a lot.

Sorry, but ... you cannot make change somebody.
You can change only yourself.

Topic became outside of dance topics.

 

[fazz]

Hi all...

ok I think I need to elaborate a bit about the part of " partner dancing is not fundamentally ok for commited partners" I think its applied to me and other couples who expect exclusivity. Of course anything is appropriate for couples as long as both parties are ok with it ( hey we have swingers and open marriage lol) . But if we look at to the fundamental purpose of social dancing ( ok someone needs to dance but it is a social dancing )and the fundamental part of being an exclusive partner, then I think theres a clash there.

So this is not by any means a generalization or global statement, but rather the basic purpose of being exclusive in a relationship and the fact that it is a social dancing ( that's why it involves flirtatious elements in it).

BUT.....

I also believe that you can dance with whoever you want including if you want to dance exclusively with someone in AT.....that's what I expected in a relationship but everybody seems to be against it..

I believe social dancing means you can dance with everybody with mutual consent including if you want to dance with a specific someone and it should be like it......and why not?


My issue arises and I had the same discussion with him that " it is a social dance of course I need to dance with etc etc and It has been like that for ages"

Of course deep inside he wants to dance around, but he stated that idea to reinforce his toughts. Or I think the idea comes first and he grows with it and that mannerism is what he gets used to.

It would be diifferent if both ideas are given the same weight esp for commited couples. Because it does not really cross to his mind to dance exclusively in AT because the emphasis of AT is a social dance therefore once you are in the scene then everybody shares...

but I understand that if that's what he wants then the idea is just something to back up his mind,

but

if both ideas were given the same highlight , at least it will come to an understanding and consideration regarding the intimacy in AT that once he/she gets commited with someone, the other option of dancing exclusively in AT might be expected from a partner and without the risk of getting frowned or.....well you see what happen in this forum also...no I dont mean to fire things up I just trying to be factual.

By the way he was the one asking me and I had no idea about the tango scene and it never crosses his mind that I would expect exclusivity, nor I aware of it.

And if this thing is understood that " you can choose to dance exclusivey" with someone VIP and is given the same highlight as in " you should dance with as many partners" then social dancing would be appropriate for couples/ non couples ( fundamentally)

 

[fazz]

By the way for the replies regarding " its way out of topic of dancing"

I think its because it not about the dance itself but It is relevant because Its the "expected side effect" of social dancing.

As in this topic of dance and relationship, its not about the technique etc, but rather we talk about the implication of social dancing and how the people who get involves in it react/affected from social dancing and AT in specific for this discussion.

 

[pascal]

Thus it is fundamentally not ok for commited partners to change partners in such scene.

lol
Precisely it is the safest scene to change partners. It's all roleplay. It's fake intimacy. Yesterday during the class my partner kept shouting things like "See, at the beginning he was so nice, now he's not even looking at me..." and at the end of the class the pupils asked us since how long we were married. We answered that we were married but not with eachother. Once the class is over we're strangers again, I don't think she even knows my name. There is less temptation for your boyfriend in a milonga than if he was playing tennis or bridge with the same ladies.

 

[fazz]

By the way personally I believe that couples dont have to share ( but of course they can if they want to) and why not.


But actually this discussion arises because I feel hopeless because everybody seems to be against it that's why actually I was asking how are couples who expects exclusivity deal with the tango scene that "demand" you to change partners.


unless the community is giving the same emphasis and understanding for both options ( to change or not to change partners).

 

[fazz]

lol
Precisely it is the safest scene to change partners. It's all roleplay. It's fake intimacy. Yesterday during the class my partner kept shouting things like "See, at the beginning he was so nice, now he's not even looking at me..." and at the end of the class the pupils asked us since how long we were married. We answered that we were married but not with eachother. Once the class is over we're strangers again, I don't think she even knows my name. There is less temptation for your boyfriend in a milonga than if he was playing tennis or bridge with the same ladies.

fake intimacy is like swingers and open marriage and watching porn which are those are in the grey area where some people would not very comfortable in it

By the way It almost blows my head when there's one time I was upset because there's this girl come up to him and keep asking him to dance in a....errr.....too friendly way and I was upset and he does not even know her name but he said "of course she is like that i danced with her for hours in one festival." ( when he was still single though)

at least for me, no its even too crowded for those nameless chicks.... he has alot because of this tango community ( I'm not saying tango dancing and I say tango because im trying to be specific with this issue)

 

[Peaches]

By the way personally I believe that couples dont have to share ( but of course they can if they want to) and why not.


But actually this discussion arises because I feel hopeless because everybody seems to be against it that's why actually I was asking how are couples who expects exclusivity deal with the tango scene that "demand" you to change partners.


unless the community is giving the same emphasis and understanding for both options ( to change or not to change partners).

Your options are pretty simple and straightforward.

1) You and your S.O. agree that that "dancing around" is not compatible with a committed relationship, or you don't.

2) Depending on the outcome to #1, you either ignore the conventions and take whatever fallout from that may happen, or you don't.

End of story.

Either the problem is between you and your partner, or between the two of you and your scene. I can't tell from your posts.

But since you're going to paint this in black and white, moral terms, I'm giving you a black and white answer. Either work it out with your partner, or decide together how you're going to handle the community you dance in. (And, really, why do you give a damn what they think. You're not there to dance with them anyway, or socialize with them anyhow.)

Why all the hand-wringing?

 

[opendoor]

I find tango argentino is the most prudish style among all other partner and couple dances. There is so much more "traffic" in standard ballroom, salsa or swing communities. Nothing is as difficult as to find a partner within the tango world. Why? Granted, there is flirting around. But in the end it´s always this dazed gathering of relationally disturbed individuals. (ok, is a bit exaggerated now)

 

[bordertangoman]

I find tango argentino is the most prudish style among all other partner and couple dances. There is so much more "traffic" in standard ballroom, salsa or swing communities. Nothing is as difficult as to find a partner within the tango world. Why? Granted, there is flirting around. But in the end it´s always this dazed gathering of relationally disturbed individuals. (ok, is a bit exaggerated now)

"Relationally disturbed Individuals" you may have a grain of truth but methinks you are Grammatically disturbed.. As a therapist friend noted; "Your milongas seem to attract slightly abnormal people."

I conclude that "normal" people are too busy having lives, too lazy to learn to dance a difficult dance or cant stand the melancholy sound of the bandoneon. I am neither dazed nor disturbed, merely eccentric, ask either of my friends.

 

[opendoor]

ok, lets have a list of exceptions, here:

- - -

But, I warn you, mind, if everyone around is on that list finally ..then you are in again..