Tango as it crosses over with the relationships, seduction and sexuality

C

crazycanuck78

New Member
Maybe we could talk about tango as it crosses over with the relationships, sexuality and seduction. I have been reading about it from a variety of sources online and quite frankly get mixed information about what are the expectations, etiquette, norms, culture and feelings within tango. I am also curious about the common pitfalls of getting romantically involved with tango partners or getting romantic partners involved in tango. I am also particularly curious about the female perspective. I think there is no denying that tango is overtly linked to sexuality and seduction, but there seems to been a full range of explanations of what this means.

Some background on my perspective, I am a middle aged divorced single male. I had about 14 months into the tango world before Covid put a stop to it. Shamelessly I’ll admit that I originally started tango specifically to meet women without knowing much else about it. No other reason. In my regular life I don’t find it particularly difficult to find romantic partners, but I wanted something less soul sucking than dating apps.

Shortly after starting tango I realized that I actually just love the dancing. I went to classes or practica a few times a week and got to the level of a strong beginner. I actually felt I was ready to graduate to the intermediate class, but I think my studio was keeping me longer in the beginner class to help with their gender ratio. Just before the pandemic I almost had the confidence to attend milonga regularly, but Covid ruined those plans. I have met a few women through tango where I felt a romantic openness and chemistry, but I always erred on the side of the invisible line of a safe space for men and women to enjoy dancing. I wanted to avoid introducing romantic drama into the tango world that I was learning to love so much or getting a reputation in the community.

After Covid I intend to resume my tango adventures and make it an important part of my life. It would be great if it could lead to some romantic adventures, but if it doesn’t that is okay too.

P.S. My grandparents met tango dancing in 1947 and were engaged a few months later. They were definitely simpler and more romantic times.
 
there is no denying that tango is overtly linked to sexuality and seduction
Click to expand...
You sort of leave yourself an out for this statement, but this statement applies mostly to the to the public perception of AT, rather than an insider perspective.
Avoiding romantic involvement while enjoying dancing with people you might be attracted to is completely doable.
 
The first thing that I would suggest is to replace the word "sexuality" with "sensuality". Sexuality implies activities leading to sex, while sensuality is "the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses (dictionary definition)" - more along the line of what you find on the dancing floor.

Many start dancing to find a date or a mate. Most of them stop when they do. Some simply love dancing and continue. I met my wife dancing over 20 years ago, and we still go once or twice a week to a Milonga.

When my single friends ask my opinion about the best way to find romantic partners I recommend cutting out the bars, dating apps, and meat market in general and start doing things they like and enjoy. Doing that, they will meet other people that enjoy doing the same things and viola, already some common interest.
For me (and my wife) it was dancing...
 
Any activity which brings together men and women offers potential to establish relationships. It is no secret that a majority of relationships start at the office, despite the fact that that isn’t the primary function of going to the office! Social partner dancing such as tango, salsa, swing, etc is particularly well suited as breeding ground for relationships. It brings together a high number of participants from both sexes, and, by the very nature of partner dancing, there must be some balance between the sexes.

That being said, it doesn’t mean that establishing new relationships is the primary function of social dancing. I would assume that the majority of the participants is primarily coming for the dance. And nothing else. Yes, social dancing makes it possible to meet many members of the opposite sex. And for sure, that offers opportunities to flirt. But it should not be abused. Especially not with any kind of inappropriate gestures.
 
crazycanuck78 said:
I always erred on the side of the invisible line of a safe space for men and women to enjoy dancing. I wanted to avoid introducing romantic drama into the tango world that I was learning to love so much or getting a reputation in the community.
Click to expand...
This is a wise policy. As in life, anything is possible in tango, but the richest experiences come from going deeper than physicality or sexuality. I know from talking to women that men can get a bad reputation by responding in the wrong way, so always assume “it’s just a dance.” It’s the woman’s prerogative to make the first move if she wants to move it to another plane.

One of the attractions of AT is that women are provided a space in which they can reveal their femininity and sexuality without it being taken too seriously by the male—or without having to take responsibility for it. Let her unfold and don’t take it personally, don’t misinterpret the rush of energy as an invitation to sex. Usually, it’s not.

In AT, women have the power. Men are to be used. Play it cool. AT is not about sex; it actually goes deeper. :)
 
Middle-aged divorcé here. I want to amplify on a lot of the wisdom already given here (the quote function seems to be screwing up on me, so I'll manually quote):

[...] this statement applies mostly to the to the public perception of AT, rather than an insider perspective.

This is huge.

The reality of Argentine tango is that if you care at all about dancing, your first few years will involve a lot of stepped-on toes, collisions, boring repetition, disgustingly sweaty "gym moments," people freaking out over not "getting it" or not getting invited, etc. You might not even get to dance – really dance – until much time has passed. The strongest beginners look kind of crappy to experienced dancers.

I worked part-time for a studio, and that's what I saw: Getting good enough to sweep a potential romantic partner off their feet just about always involved traversing this minefield first. Part of my involvement was working at a festival. It turns out that the majority of "romantic" Argentine couples hired to teach and perform are just putting on a show. Most aren't real couples (there are a lot of gay man/straight woman pairs); many of the real couples not-so-privately fight (I've cleaned up the broken glass and spilled wine).

Of course, you can care about dancing, but then if you're not careful and do this . . .

Especially not with any kind of inappropriate gestures.

. . . you'll be seen as a crude hound. Trust me, the teachers know which students are there only to hook up; they pigeonhole them early on and do everything in their power to block hookups that could drag them into an ugly situation. If you're especially inappropriate, they'll make sure you're always partnered with people with whom you have no chemistry (one of my teachers knew which guys were creepy, and made sure the classes were one woman short so those guys would be forced to dance with me, another guy, as their accompanier).

When you start dancing socially, the experienced dancers know which dancers are there only to hook up. You'll still be pigeonholed. The people who want meaningful relationships will avoid you. The ones who don't avoid you won't want meaningful relationships.

There are exceptions, but in my eight years in the tango community, I could count them on one hand.

Many start dancing to find a date or a mate. Most of them stop when they do.

Yes.

I have a male friend who moved here from away and wanted to meet women. He studied tango to do so. He was serious about learning, and not inappropriate. He hired a good teacher and became fairly skilled as part of his strategy to find a partner. And the instant he met his now-wife (yes, at tango), both of them quit tango.

I have a female friend who wanted to meet men. She did the same thing as my male friend. As soon as she met a guy, she dropped her lessons, dropped the milonga, and went off to be in a couple. She, too, wasn't bad at tango, but that turned out to be because she knew guys wouldn't be attracted to a girl who was a lousy, awkward dancer.

Any activity which brings together men and women offers potential to establish relationships.

Despite what I said so far, this is true. It's easier for women to meet men and men to meet women at an activity where, traditionally, women and men dance together in a close hug. The thing is, though, you're unlikely to make it work if you're a bad dancer; you have to cross the battlefield of learning how to dance, which isn't a sexy one. And even if you do that, you're unlikely to make it work if you're too obviously looking . . . Of course, I had two friends do just that – but they both just dropped tango cold, which seems to be what happens to 9 couples in 10 who meet through tango.

[...] it doesn’t mean that establishing new relationships is the primary function of social dancing.

Not new romantic relationships, anyway. It's a great way to meet friends and become part of a community . . . arguably, that is what puts the "social" in "social dance." For romance, it's a bit of crapshoot because it doesn't start out very romantic, because romantic advances are often unwelcome, and because if romance does take root, it typically means the end of social dance.
 
Last edited:
WhiskeyPapa said:
One of the attractions of AT is that women are provided a space in which they can reveal their femininity and sexuality without it being taken too seriously by the male—or without having to take responsibility for it. Let her unfold and don’t take it personally, don’t misinterpret the rush of energy as an invitation to sex. Usually, it’s not.
Click to expand...
This is super-true as well. As one tanguera I know put it (translated): "Really! I'm dressing up for me. I'm going out to dance for me. Not for those guys. I hate it when they think it's for them."

Also, it cuts the other way. One of the attractions of tango for men is that they're given a place where they can exhibit slightly exaggerated, strutting, mustachioed masculinity without it being taken too seriously by women and without having to apologize for it. Don't take gentlemanly conduct, snappy clothing, and a strong, warm hug to be an invitation to sex. Usually, it’s not.

(In my case, it's also a chance to dress up and dance without somebody thinking "Wow, his clothes are color-coordinated and pressed, his hair is fixed up, and he's dancing. He must be gay." I'm not, in fact, gay . . . but I'm not especially masculine-looking, and I love nice clothing. So for me, tango is a chance to dress up fancy and be a twinkletoes without drawing fire from homophobes.)
 
I think if your goal is to meet women, tango has got to be the single least-efficient method on the planet. If you think about how long it takes in time, and how much work it takes in effort, and how much money it costs in lessons, to be good enough to impress someone with your dancing, it makes no sense at all.

In your situation, where you fell in love with the dance and you're hoping to meet a romantic partner as a bonus, then the equation changes. But even so, I would think it's phenomenally difficult to distinguish the sensuality and intimacy and joy and connection of the dance from any chemistry that might exist beyond it. Even more so if you're the type of person who makes friends through tango (and the nature of tango as an activity means we'll probably make more friends of the opposite sex as those are the people we spend most of our time with).

I've often said I'm profoundly grateful that I didn't discover tango when I was single. There's a whole world of potential confusion and mess that I entirely escape by virtue of being in a long-term relationship and all my regular tango partners knowing that.
 
True story in two parts:

1. Especially at the start, tango takes a lot of hard, sometimes unrewarding work with your partner. Later on, you may ease up on the lessons or drop them entirely (some people advocate that, some don't) – but if you have a primary partner, you need to collaborate more closely than you ever imagined if you want tango with that person to stay fun and interesting. In short, in the context of a couple, tango aggressively highlights the slightest inability to cooperate, the best-hidden control issues, and any differences in drive or vision between the two people. I started tango with my ex-wife, and while tango didn't break us up, it threw a light on the cracks that did. Moral: Tango is often bad, not good, for couples.

2. Conversely, tango can bring together people who cooperate well, share goals, and have a common view of the work needed to attain those goals. That will happen only if you jump in with both feet and work really hard on dance – not on meeting people. I met my current girlfriend that way: After years of being just dance partners, often in the context of tearful lessons where things didn't go right, we realized that we worked well together . . . which led to us becoming a couple. This didn't break up my marriage, but that doesn't matter, because tons of tango people assumed that it did and treated us like dirt ("cheater" and "homewrecker"). Moral: You can meet people in tango, but you may end up paying a high price for that if you stay in tango.

I don't have regrets, but I definitely had a lot of therapy. I can't say I strongly recommend that path.
 
JournalInTime said:
Conversely, tango can bring together people who cooperate well, share goals, and have a common view of the work needed to attain those goals.
Click to expand...
It’s rare that both halves of the non professional couple have the same commitment to AT. That doesn’t have to bad as long as the less focused is relaxed about other partner’s practicing and dancing with other men/women. Here “cooperating” means accepting and not getting in the way of the other halve’s obsession.

I actually think tango best danced NOT with your husband/wife. You already are getting the best of each other. Tango is a way of discovering the feminine/masculine power of new people in a non-sexual way that doesn’t throw your life into chaos.

I think this may be why tango attracts an older crowd—people who already understand the physical dimension of intimacy—and want to explore other aspects of themselves.
 
WhiskeyPapa said:
It’s rare that both halves of the non professional couple have the same commitment to AT. That doesn’t have to bad as long as the less focused is relaxed about other partner’s practicing and dancing with other men/women. Here “cooperating” means accepting and not getting in the way of the other halve’s obsession.

I actually think tango best danced NOT with your husband/wife. You already are getting the best of each other. Tango is a way of discovering the feminine/masculine power of new people in a non-sexual way that doesn’t throw your life into chaos.

I think this may be why tango attracts an older crowd—people who already understand the physical dimension of intimacy—and want to explore other aspects of themselves.
Click to expand...
Your comments above could have been made about my wife and myself... we are pretty much in that category - except we both love Tango, and we LOVE dancing with each other as much as we LOVE dancing with others. Needless to say, we both are secure in our relationship not to worry about close embrace dancing. Couples that aren't, should not get into Tango.

For me, when I come across a lady with whom I connect well, I feel like painting the floor with our movement to the music... on the way back home, my wife and I exchange notes and experiences.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Dance Ads

Advertise on Dance Forums Reach dancers, teachers, studios, event organizers, and dance-friendly brands. View ad options
Back
Top