Me too... unless they seem to be new to the event and clearly don't know people. Then I might approach them for a dance. (I got to dance an unforgettable tanda awhile back with someone that I thought might be a new beginner but who turned out to be a visitor who was the organizer in his community and a teacher at regional festivals!)
The top 5 reasons a woman wants to dance with a specific man
- Thread starter Zoopsia59
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Me too... unless they seem to be new to the event and clearly don't know people. Then I might approach them for a dance. (I got to dance an unforgettable tanda awhile back with someone that I thought might be a new beginner but who turned out to be a visitor who was the organizer in his community and a teacher at regional festivals!)
If a good conversationalist talks to an introvert, that is charity? If I help a co worker, that is charity? Kind of lowers the bar for charity doesn't it? Now, I am not saying we all have to be mother Teresa, but human kindness and humility are virtues, and accepting them is no vice.
I can only speak for my own use of the term... If someone better than I dances with me to support my effort to learn, it's not a "charity-dance". If someone dances with me because they feel they HAVE to or SHOULD, then it is.
If someone dances with me and thinks of it as "doing me a favor" when they are not above my level, then that's the most annoying type of "charity-dance", although sometimes it's not obvious until later that they felt that way.
If you have a feeling of being superior when you "give", then its not going to make the other person feel very good (especially if you AREN'T superior!). Charity can always be done without condescension. There's a huge difference between the 2, but for many, their charity dances go hand in hand with being superior, patronizing or condescending.
Really, this isn't such a vague concept... its no different from any other type of Charity. Being generous and being patronizing aren't the same, whether you are helping inner city low income families or dancing a tanda. The term "charity dance" is often used to imply a certain attitude towards the other person which goes against the whole "make the other person feel fabulous" theme.
Yes, it's a misuse of the term "Charity" which is about genuine generosity, but are people really confused that this term is being used, or are they just trying to nitpick and argue semantics?
I didn't invent the term. I'd be happy to use another if someone can supply one to replace "charity dance.
Really, this isn't such a vague concept... its no different from any other type of Charity. Being generous and being patronizing aren't the same, whether you are helping inner city low income families or dancing a tanda. The term "charity dance" is often used to imply a certain attitude towards the other person which goes against the whole "make the other person feel fabulous" theme.
Yes, it's a misuse of the term "Charity" which is about genuine generosity, but are people really confused that this term is being used, or are they just trying to nitpick and argue semantics?
I didn't invent the term. I'd be happy to use another if someone can supply one to replace "charity dance.
fascination
Site Moderator
the root word for charity is caritas....if there is no caring, it isn't charity...it is something else
bastet
Active Member
fascination
Site Moderator
there's alot to be said for the term social....being social doesn't just mean being in the presence of people, IMO...it means displaying a set of qualities that lend themselves to civility and pleasantness and decency in both the offering of dances and in accepting them...IMO the time to ruminate over motives, if one really must do that (which I think is largely folly particularly in the moment) is to wait until one gets home.... and then one can be as obsessive and insecure and neurotic as one likes 
Chris Stratton
New Member
Yes!
"Social" is nice. What about "Supportive" dances, or "Friendship" dances?
I'm just saying that it's a burden for me, as a leader, to try to make all of my partners feel "fantastic". 1) If my partner knows full well that the dance was not fantastic, she knows I'm telling a tale. 2) Not all dances are fantastic, regardless of the quality of the follower, and I reserve the right to react in a genuine manner.
I haven't heard any followers say it's their job to make their leaders feel fantastic. And, I'm not interested in an evening of everybody trying to make everyone else feel fantastic. Tango is not theater, for me. It's a genuine expression, through body language.
I like to dance with partners who are learning and I don't feel - don't want to feel - that I have any obligation to make them feel anything. I just want to help them, and I hope they appreciate it. If I dance with a partner who is struggling, she probably knows too that she was struggling, and I don't want to pretend otherwise.
(edit) If a dance is fantastic, I want my partner to feel fantastic, and not because I acted like it was. I find that artificial.
little hobo
New Member
No. Stick with social.
The curse of modern living is the decision to confuse manners with "being fake".
I will gather my manners and make no further comment.
fascination
Site Moderator
I am fairly certain that nothing in my post implied that anyone should have to either feel fantastic or make the other person feel fantastic...in fact I am positive that I didn't say anything even remotely close to that..
personally, when I social dance I try to be friendly, make the lead's job as easy as possible, and graciously thank him afterward...I do that regardless of his skill, his personality, his odor or any other factor...and I personally have no expectation of him other than he not be overtly rude...for myself, no one is responsible for making me feel wonderful other than myself...it cuts down on alot of disappointment
bastet
Active Member
I think a Peaches already made commentary about "faking it", which is not what we are talking about. But more about just enjoying what comes up. No, it may not be your best or most fantastic dance of the evening, but to end up making someone feel crappy about a dance you just had with them just because you didn't like it IMO is not social.
And no, I don't think it's about only making the follower feel good, but this is a thread for what followers are looking for in a partner- the ability/willingness to make another person feel good or enjoy them without judgment or egotism. Feeling fabulous has degrees. It doesn't mean tango bliss every time (which is impossible) but can be as simple as going away from a dance with a person not feeling "less" about yourself than before you started.
I accept a dance with someone of greater or lesser ability and *try* to keep my approach the same- enjoy them and what they offer, at least until it becomes apparent they aren't enjoying what I have to offer...
fascination
Site Moderator
agree ...edit to add; not every authentic feeling is worthy of inflicting upon others
That's because this is the "Why do women want to dance with certain guys" thread. It is a response to the thread on why men dance with certain women. The thread topic is narrow and specific, and that's how I intended it when I started it. (Of course I think it's a 2-way street, but that wasn't this discussion!) You guys had the chance to mention these sorts of things in the other thread about why you prefer certain partners, but now that we say they're important to US, you're saying "double standard"?
My assertion from the beginning, and I stand by it, is that women prefer the partners who leave them feeling good, not the ones who leave them feeling crappy (duh) and that result has a great deal to do with the guy's attitude, and less to do with his dance skill than leaders often suppose.
This should be GOOD news to you guys!
So it's baffling to me that in trying to give the guys a hint about something that is completely within their control regardless of experience or skill level, that so many leaders are quibbling over it!
Seriously! Guys look at our darn shoes to judge us, but folks are quibbling because we want men to have a respectful, courteous, engaged and fun ATTITUDE? Really? That's asking too much of a dance partner?
All it takes is making sure the other person remains more important than the damn dance steps. The dance doesn't have to be fantastic for the experience to be.
No wonder I sometimes feel like throwing in the towel on this hobby!
Chris Stratton
New Member
So it's baffling to me that in trying to give the guys a hint about something that is completely within their control regardless of experience or skill level, that so many leaders are quibbling over it!
I think the objection is to the perhaps not intended but easily perceived implication that there's an obligation to turn a dance with an irresponsibly bad partner into a good experience for them.
Yes, but someone who wants to maintain respect in a dance community will need to show some respect for the dancing, too.
Based on your other comments, I would bet that you, personally get that. But some of what you have said can be mis-interpeted as expecting others (and it really doesnt matter which role) to be divinely accomodating of those who display an ongoing disrespect for the dancing.