The top 5 reasons a woman wants to dance with a specific man

[Zoopsia59]

The point I'm try to focus attention on is that there is a chasm between making her feel great and not complaining. Not complaining is easy. Making her feel great is tough and might require acting that goes beyond reality.

If I give my partner the idea that the dance was great..

It seems there is still some confusion about whether the dance has to be great for people to feel good at the end of the tanda. The dancing can be a disaster, but approached with a sense of humor and generosity, it doesn't have to be a bad experience.

Haven't you ever laughed with the other person about a fooba that occurred? I've seen people actually go down in a heap and be able to laugh about it or joke later about it... what could possibly be more of a disaster during a tanda than falling on the floor? (well, not counting making some other couple hit the floor!)

Also, there are more ways to be "complaining" than just verbally. And more ways to express dissatisfaction than just verbally.

I think if a world famous leader can dance with a much lower level dancer and leave her feeling good, it's pretty clear that the attitude and the assessment of the partner's dancing or the relative "greatness" of the dance itself don't have to be tied together.

Every time we mention something about making the partner feel good (or at least not making her feel bad) someone mentions that if the dance isn't good, then he'll have to pretend or act. That tells me that people are still determining whether or not they had a good time and whether they help the other person have a good time based primarily on the quality of one or both person's dancing.

What I have been trying to say ad nauseum, that either is not getting through or there's just too much resistance to the whole concept of responsibility for one's own attitude, is that, again:

The dance doesn't have to be wonderful for the experience to be wonderful

I've said this over and over using way too many words, and frankly, I give up.

 

[fascination]

here's the thing ...just because one puts forth an effort one doesn't feel doesn't mean it's fake...sometimes our affections take a break and the most loving noble thing one can do is to be kind and loving in the absence of feeling it...it isn't being fake, it is being selfless and transcendent...and, IMO, it is a sad day when people think an important part of authenticity is being candid about whatever affect they are currently lacking...emotions come and go...character is a decision...if that is being fake I gladly claim it...but frankly, I seek to be far better than the lowest feelings I experience

 

[DL]

The dance doesn't have to be wonderful for the experience to be wonderful

I've said this over and over using way too many words, and frankly, I give up.

You say this, but another lady says laments gents "more interested in putting the follow through her paces to see if she can be used to show off his fancy technique."

Well, for the exact same gent, you and she might both agree the dance wasn't wonderful. You and she might disagree on whether the experience was wonderful.

 

[Zoopsia59]

emotions come and go...character is a decision

:notworth:

Can I nick this for my siggy?

 

[Chris Stratton]

That tells me that people are still determining whether or not they had a good time and whether they help the other person have a good time based primarily on the quality of one or both person's dancing.

No, not on the quality of their dancing, but on the partner focus of it.

I've said this over and over using way too many words, and frankly, I give up.

You've said your piece over and over again, while repeatedly putting your assumptions ahead of the actual concerns of the other side.

Thus you get nowhere.

 

[madmaximus]

OT: I once went to a group class after spending the day making pot roast. Apparently, I was heavily scented with pot roast. I was *very* popular.

It was funny, actually. I've never been sniffed that much, that obviously. So, in order to get dances, I should dab a bit of pot roast behind each ear instead of perfume? ewwww

OT

A little late to the party, but j_a you owe me a martini that went up my nose when I read this ROTFL.

Nothing like the sweet scent of eau d'roast beouf on a gorgeous nape to spice up the dancing.






m

 

[Zoopsia59]

You say this, but another lady says laments gents "more interested in putting the follow through her paces to see if she can be used to show off his fancy technique."

Well, for the exact same gent, you and she might both agree the dance wasn't wonderful. You and she might disagree on whether the experience was wonderful.

As I interpret her post, she and I would agree that the experience WASN'T wonderful. In fact, as I interpret her post, she is in agreement that this sort of "testing" of the follower is annoying as heck and contrary to my stated preference. So I'm not sure why you chose her post as an example?

 

[DL]

As I interpret her post, she and I would agree that the experience WASN'T wonderful. In fact, as I interpret her post, she is in agreement that this sort of "testing" of the follower is annoying as heck and contrary to my stated preference. So I'm not sure why you chose her post as an example?

How do you know it was the leader testing the follower? That's a subjective characterization. Please see also my post #210.

http://dance-forums.com/showpost.php?p=814811&postcount=210

 

[Zoopsia59]

How do you know it was the leader testing the follower? That's a subjective characterization.

YOU said so!

In post 213 which I quoted.. she laments the gent putting the follow through her paces to see if he could use her to show off! I'm responding to that! So yes, I assumed from YOUR statement that it was a leader putting the follower through her paces.
SHeesh!

 

[Zoopsia59]

Edited because I violated some of my own rules for conduct

 

[DL]

YOU said so!

In post 213 which I quoted.. she laments the gent putting the follow through her paces to see if he could use her to show off! I'm responding to that! So yes, I assumed from YOUR statement that it was a leader putting the follower through her paces. HOw is that now a subjective characterization on MY part?

SHeesh!

The dance doesn't go well. One follower says, "he's using me to show off". Another says, "oh well, he tried hard."

Same (earnest) guy who cares what the dance is like for his partner, two different ladies. If only he'd been more skilled, probably the dance would have gone well for both of them, and they both would have been happy.

Apologies for not quoting all the relevant parts of the thread directly in my post.

 

[DL]

I've now come to the conclusion that some people are commenting on this thread just to jerk me around and enjoy watching the result. I hope you're having a good time. I also hope you won't mind if I don't reply to you anymore.

If you include me in "some people", honestly, I'm not. I'm really trying to contribute my own personal experience (see, again, post 210).

Of course I don't agree with the assertion/implication made earlier that guys are obtuse because they can't figure out that women just don't want them to be arses. Is there an implication here that I'm obtuse, or an arse? Does that seem fair?

"Don't be an arse" isn't just "don't complain at me," or the like, for all women. It might be, "don't try to put me through my paces."

But where a lady concludes, "he's trying to put me through my paces in order to show off," the gent might be thinking, "that didn't work... maybe I'll try... dangit, not there either ... I know... whoops, that guy almost hit me... whoa, she didn't end up where I expected... drat that dance is over, it didn't go like I'd hoped."

So how did the woman conclude the guy was trying to put her through her paces? Well, the lead/follow didn't work out, and maybe she figures he ought to have led differently. From his perspective, he was well-intentioned and did his best, and it wasn't good enough.

 

[madmaximus]

The dance doesn't have to be wonderful for the experience to be wonderful

I've said this over and over using way too many words, and frankly, I give up.

[whispers...]

zoops, sounds like you're simply looking for a real gentleman.

[yep, that ol' can of worms...]






m

 

[Chris Stratton]

I'm not seeing why trying hard has to involve challenging or show off material, especially if brief experiments in that direction didn't come off in a way that invites more.

 

[wooh]

here's the thing ...just because one puts forth an effort one doesn't feel doesn't mean it's fake...sometimes our affections take a break and the most loving noble thing one can do is to be kind and loving in the absence of feeling it...it isn't being fake, it is being selfless and transcendent...and, IMO, it is a sad day when people think an important part of authenticity is being candid about whatever affect they are currently lacking...emotions come and go...character is a decision...if that is being fake I gladly claim it...but frankly, I seek to be far better than the lowest feelings I experience

I can be candid to the point of being a total witch. (Which some here have experienced!) But, when I don't believe a situation calls for total unforgiving honesty, then I can generally find something nice to say that isn't a lie.
I have had dances that were TOTAL disasters. A smile and a thank you for asking, it isn't a lie, no matter how miserable I may have been through the dance. I genuinely appreciate someone making the effort to ask me, even if they are a horrible dancer that glares at me the whole time and runs me into people.
You don't have to say, "That was the most wonderful dance ever in the history of dancing!" Just smile and thank the woman.
If that is too much to ask, then well, it's not a problem of dancing skills, it's a problem of personal interaction skills.