Whining Thread #2
- Thread starter cornutt
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I'm going to put this in the whining thread for now, if the saga continues I may need my own venting thread so as not to clog up this one.
My grandmother just moved to a nursing home/senior living facility a couple months ago, and my father is an emotional mess and has decided he just can't do this anymore, so he wants me to take on management of her finances (so co-trustee and finance POA). They are out of state, which makes this more challenging. He has had a lot of frustration trying to navigate the system (nursing home, banking, etc), as financial things and dealing with people are not his wheelhouse and he's not very resilient.
I've been barraged with texts/emails/calls over the last week, everything is sooooo urgent, and I finally had to set some boundaries today. We've had a lot of conflict in the past, though it's mostly settled the last several years (once he realized I was willing to just walk away or disengage), so I'm surprised it didn't set off WWIII.
Today I'm just completely irritated with the combined helplessness and insistence that I work with the lawyer and the bank to hurry up and fix all this. The attorney e-mailed us 3 forms late yesterday - one for my grandmother to resign as trustee, and one each for my father and I to accept as successor trustees. They require two witnesses and a notary. I've had no fewer than three communications from him basically asking me to get it filled out. One of the blanks on the form is the date that my grandmother is resigning (e.g. the date she signs the form), so I told him I would need to know that date. The response: "Contact [attorney]. I don't know. Let me know what you find out". Seriously? So I replied that Grandma had a form she needed to fill out, and who was taking that to her to sign (knowing full well the answer had to be my father or his wife). It is not clear to me if he didn't realize Gma had a form as well, or has not connected the dots between needing all those dates to line up (it makes no sense for me to accept on Dec 19 if Gma doesn't resign until Dec 22, for example). Oh, and did I mention that he's decided he hates this attorney, is done with him once this paperwork is all settled, and has already made at least one angry phone call to him? Yeah thanks, I'll just clean up that mess too.
Then he sends me an e-mail outlining all the documents he is mailing to me... including an unpaid bill. Again, seriously? I'm not authorized at this time to do anything with her bank accounts (the bank is requiring us to meet in person to fill out all this trustee change paperwork - "I have no other way to verify that it is your signature" - and I don't know yet when I'm going to be taking time to drive up there, esp since it's winter and we're in the Midwest. And I haven't signed/returned the trust or POA paperwork yet, I just got it all last night). I told him to just write the check when he goes to see Gma to fill out the above-mentioned forms, we'll see if that happens. He has it in his head that I'm just going to do everything from now on, even though I told him this morning to hang on to bank stuff, since even going forward as co-trustee, he can also do stuff with the bank accounts (write checks, etc).
Anyways, this is getting too long and rambly so I'll stop here. Grrrrr.
My grandmother just moved to a nursing home/senior living facility a couple months ago, and my father is an emotional mess and has decided he just can't do this anymore, so he wants me to take on management of her finances (so co-trustee and finance POA). They are out of state, which makes this more challenging. He has had a lot of frustration trying to navigate the system (nursing home, banking, etc), as financial things and dealing with people are not his wheelhouse and he's not very resilient.
I've been barraged with texts/emails/calls over the last week, everything is sooooo urgent, and I finally had to set some boundaries today. We've had a lot of conflict in the past, though it's mostly settled the last several years (once he realized I was willing to just walk away or disengage), so I'm surprised it didn't set off WWIII.
Today I'm just completely irritated with the combined helplessness and insistence that I work with the lawyer and the bank to hurry up and fix all this. The attorney e-mailed us 3 forms late yesterday - one for my grandmother to resign as trustee, and one each for my father and I to accept as successor trustees. They require two witnesses and a notary. I've had no fewer than three communications from him basically asking me to get it filled out. One of the blanks on the form is the date that my grandmother is resigning (e.g. the date she signs the form), so I told him I would need to know that date. The response: "Contact [attorney]. I don't know. Let me know what you find out". Seriously? So I replied that Grandma had a form she needed to fill out, and who was taking that to her to sign (knowing full well the answer had to be my father or his wife). It is not clear to me if he didn't realize Gma had a form as well, or has not connected the dots between needing all those dates to line up (it makes no sense for me to accept on Dec 19 if Gma doesn't resign until Dec 22, for example). Oh, and did I mention that he's decided he hates this attorney, is done with him once this paperwork is all settled, and has already made at least one angry phone call to him? Yeah thanks, I'll just clean up that mess too.
Then he sends me an e-mail outlining all the documents he is mailing to me... including an unpaid bill. Again, seriously? I'm not authorized at this time to do anything with her bank accounts (the bank is requiring us to meet in person to fill out all this trustee change paperwork - "I have no other way to verify that it is your signature" - and I don't know yet when I'm going to be taking time to drive up there, esp since it's winter and we're in the Midwest. And I haven't signed/returned the trust or POA paperwork yet, I just got it all last night). I told him to just write the check when he goes to see Gma to fill out the above-mentioned forms, we'll see if that happens. He has it in his head that I'm just going to do everything from now on, even though I told him this morning to hang on to bank stuff, since even going forward as co-trustee, he can also do stuff with the bank accounts (write checks, etc).
Anyways, this is getting too long and rambly so I'll stop here. Grrrrr.
And.... just like that it's over. (So apologies for the previous long rant).
Heated phone call this morning - he was pouring on the flattery and buttering up while I was agreeing to help, but once I started setting conditions on things I needed in order to proceed* and called out the "dump in my lap and run" dynamic that was happening, it turned into all sorts of excuses and guilt-tripping and gas-lighting ("I'm disappointed in you, you said you would help", blah blah). Nope, not tolerating that.
And you're right Purr... I should have said "no" from the start. But this was instructive. For someone who was complaining about how worn out he was, and his health, and just can't do this, he found a healthy drive and energy to light into me when I wasn't agreeing to do exactly what he wanted.
*Example - his wife set up id/pw/security qstns for bank account. She refused to provide the answers to the security questions (and apparently it was too burdensome for them to go re-set the answers) on the grounds that they contained personal information. So I would have no way to access online banking until I was planning to drive up there to meet in person at the bank.
Heated phone call this morning - he was pouring on the flattery and buttering up while I was agreeing to help, but once I started setting conditions on things I needed in order to proceed* and called out the "dump in my lap and run" dynamic that was happening, it turned into all sorts of excuses and guilt-tripping and gas-lighting ("I'm disappointed in you, you said you would help", blah blah). Nope, not tolerating that.
And you're right Purr... I should have said "no" from the start. But this was instructive. For someone who was complaining about how worn out he was, and his health, and just can't do this, he found a healthy drive and energy to light into me when I wasn't agreeing to do exactly what he wanted.
*Example - his wife set up id/pw/security qstns for bank account. She refused to provide the answers to the security questions (and apparently it was too burdensome for them to go re-set the answers) on the grounds that they contained personal information. So I would have no way to access online banking until I was planning to drive up there to meet in person at the bank.
SwingingAlong
Well-Known Member
Some of the emoticons have changed in the upgrade - glad to see some of the others are still around
Loki
Forum Master
I read that Australia was seeing about a 10% effective rate for the vaccine they used this year. And it looks like a nasty stomach virus is making it's way around here now (as Loki gloves up...)
cornutt
Forum Master
It is the human being's lot in life.
Purr
Forum Master
Update:
Last week I received a letter from my credit card company notifying me that the disputed charge was removed. I'm not sure who absorbs the charge, which was for a hotel room - either the hotel chain, Priceline, or the credit card company - but since it's not me I don't really care. I'm just glad it's resolved. If this happens again with the new card I know how to handle it. Reduce the complaint about the disputed charge to writing, and quickly file with the credit card company. Follow up via telephone, e-mail or mail as needed. If this hadn't been resolved, I was going to call my state's attorney general's office.
I filed a fraud alert regarding my credit report with one of the three major credit agencies, who alerted the other two major credit agencies. According to the letter from my credit card company, they did something similar.
I have used my new credit card twice for small purchases at a retailer with a chip reader to keep the card active. I'm sticking to cash for the most part. Over the holidays I received gift cards for AMC, Target and Starbucks. I haven't made any online purchases, but I'm resolving I can just do without, and it's not like I need anything anyway.
Purr
Forum Master
It is? I've had an upset stomach for no reason for the last three days, low energy, and otherwise don't feel great. I hope that's not what it is.
When I checked my credit report a few months ago, my score had decreased. Turns out the reason was that I hadn't been making mortgage payments. They missed that fact that I hadn't been making mortgage payments because I had paid off my mortgage completely.
I haven't bothered to correct their misinterpretation because it didn't drop enough for me to worry about.
SwingingAlong
Well-Known Member
I hardly ever whine.... but now the medication I have to take to keep the cancer away is causing my bone density to drop and I have osteoporosis....
Luckily dancing is an exercise that is helpful to that condition
Luckily dancing is an exercise that is helpful to that condition
fascination
Site Moderator
so sorry to hear this....
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