Why some women are not asked to dance

[Tango Newbie]

I know that there are two groups of dancers. The first who dance very closely and enjoy the physical contact. The others dance in Salón hold, but are successful in dating.

As a 'beginner' with a beautiful, experienced life partner, I dance in both open and closed embrace with all the followers I dance with, and will agree I enjoy the physical contact.

I will say, almost all followers choose the closed embrace and dance very closely with me, probably because I'm not like all the other (typical) leaders in my community. However, my life partner has stated that she's not keen on any other followers having cheek-to-cheek contact with me, since a lot of followers are lining up to dance with me, many of whom might be on the prowl.

Also, I am very successful at dating (whatever that means, or if it really matters). That said, from my perspective, there seems to be quite a few folks (leaders and followers) in my community whose only form of intimacy is through tango.

Why do I believe this? They've never mentioned a life partner, and never show up with one.

 

[Tango Newbie]

I admit I mostly skimmed the responses but. It seems to me that you are giving off “exclusive” vibes.

First and last tanda - great! Nice couple out for a night of dancing and clearly not interested in any side action.

75% of all tandas - this couple are on date night and really only there to dance with each other. They dance with others on sufferance. They even go so far as making eye contact with each other when they dance with others!

It’s totally fine to only want to dance together but if you’re really interested in dancing with others you need to cut your couple tandas to about 4 max. Focus only on the person you’re dancing with (no eye contact or glances off the floor). Sit in a way that lets others know you’re dancing for example a chair or table between you. No hand holding or arms entwined! Only light conversation.

You've described me and my GF, especially the 'first-and-last' tanda, and about dancing 75% of the tandas together. This also seems to apply to most of the 'couples' in our community who dance this amount with their life partners. I will say, my GF typically has only a handful of leaders she's really interested in dancing with, for a variety of reasons, and tells me she's wants us to dance for most. I'm totally 'okay' with it, but know there are more and more follower friends and acquaintances stopping by and mentioning how they want to dance with me, or some I haven't danced with, but who I know are interested.

However, there have been a few instances where my experienced GF has sat out while I was out dancing, and recently counted 6 followers for me, with her only having 2 dances with leaders. We talked at great lengths about improving things, and we incorporated part of your suggestions.

We typically dance at least the first 2 tandas together, then evaluate 'who' either of us could dance with next, starting with the ones we know and have danced with before, then looking at others. We're even at the point of predicting 'who' those leaders are who'll want to dance with my GF on the drive over to our local studio, and it usually comes true, so those are expected. But putting a little distance/time between us has improved things a little. If I step away (e.g. restroom break), it has improved her success rate.

I have made it a point when we're both out dancing with other partners, I rarely, if ever, make eye contact with my GF. I will say she watches me, much more often than I watch her, and only notice her in-passing.

What also seems to work is doing a lot more 'socializing' with others, including those who she knows, and those she knows but hasn't seen in a while.

Nonetheless, overall it seems we're both satisfied with the amount of tandas we get to dance with others, while focusing on enjoying our time together (which also helps with the skills we're learning in our int-adv class and private lessons).

 

[Tango Newbie]

fortunately now gone, British 'gutter press' newspaper used to have the slogan: All human life is there. So it is with milongas. Some AT book I read once started with some milonguero descrbing his reason for dancing with certain women was: To have my head between a nice pair...

Too funny and so true! My GF is slim (5'7" - 135lbs), fit (pilates 3x/week), and was naturally graced with a "pair" (D's), so of course there are "lounge lizards" at a couple local studios who want to dance with her. There is definitely leaders here who rarely, if ever, dance with the older ladies, or the inexperienced ones, and who stick to the PYT's.

I'm going home afterwards with the same woman. I'm there to dance and to socialise. I certainly don't think I'm God's gift to tangueras, but I see some groups who certainly do,

This is what my GF tells me; that people (including "lounge lizards") see us coming and leaving together (not that I have any worries), which may also be a reason she can experience a small amount of difficulty of getting other leaders to dance with her. I'm not an imposing or threatening guy in any fashion, but my GF and another lady were (jokingly) speculating that other leaders are reluctant to ask my GF is because they don't want to get 'beat-up' by me (since I'm a former Marine). I found that funny, but in no way am I menacing or threatening. If anything, I'm very encouraging, almost to the point of 'suggesting' to other leaders to dance with my GF.

And speaking of my GF, she's the one keeping an eye on the female lounge lizards, so I am careful on that so I don't look like that atypical guy just going after the hotties, and make it a point to pay my respects and dance with the matriarchs of our community, and even those beginners coming into the fold (as I did yesterday at our local tango marathon over the weekend).

I'm too modest to think of my myself as any sort of "God's gift.." and have a lot of humility. But, I can't escape the fact that as I get better I have a lot of experienced tangueras wanting a chance to dance with me either, an area I'm treading lightly. So, as a beginner with a GF who's an experienced dancer and knows the dynamics of tango, I pay attention to how I fit into the hierarchy of our local community so I don't bite off more than I can chew. Besides, tango is just a dance, right?

 

[ArbeeNYC]

So it could be that you are simply satisfied with your status, that it corresponds to your self-image. At least that's how I feel myself.

Could be. I'd say it's sometimes true and sometimes not true. Depends on the ration of satisfaction to dissatisfaction.

 

[itwillhappen]

I will say, almost all followers choose the closed embrace and dance very closely with me, probably because I'm not like all the other (typical) leaders in my community. However, my life partner has stated that she's not keen on any other followers having cheek-to-cheek contact with me, since a lot of followers are lining up to dance with me, many of whom might be on the prowl.

Every couple has to find their own way. Although my girlfriend is prone to jealousy, I have never, never given her the power to decide how I dance a tanda - always to the best of my ability. In the end, once a week I go alone with a friend to a distant milonga. And she'll visit Buenos Aires alone for six weeks in November. I think that way we both have richer lives.

 

[opendoor]

...there seems to be quite a few folks.. in my community whose only form of intimacy is through tango..

I know this group exists. They come and go on their own and don't socialize at all. Nothing is known about their private life, whether have a partner or not. Or whether the partner knows about tango or not. We give them nicknames, the cop, the adder, the sexton.. From these people we only know their tango appearance. You wouldn't recognize them in daylight.

 

[Rabbit]

I know this group exists. They come and go on their own and don't socialize at all. Nothing is known about their private life, whether have a partner or not. Or whether the partner knows about tango or not. We give them nicknames, the cop, the adder, the sexton.. From these people we only know their tango appearance. You wouldn't recognize them in daylight.

This level of secrecy often suggests that they do have a partner, and don't want them to know.

 

[Tangogal]

However, there have been a few instances where my experienced GF has sat out while I was out dancing, and recently counted 6 followers for me, with her only having 2 dances with leaders. We talked at great lengths about improving things, and we incorporated part of your suggestions.

There’s one other aspect that I didn’t mention earlier. As you’ve progressed from beginner to intermediate? leader your pool of potential partners has grown. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, has a much smaller pool to choose from. Further she can dance with you whenever she likes so is less motivated to accept less skilled (either socially or from a dance perspective) partners.

Illness and injury made me much fussier as a dance partner so I probably burned a few bridges in the past.

 

[Tango Distance]

there seems to be quite a few folks (leaders and followers) in my community whose only form of intimacy is through tango.

My post will generalize from "intimacy" to "touch."

In my early Tango journey, I was doing a frenzy of research -- posts here on DF, psychology stuff, and more. Something that struck me was reading posts that said "Dance is the only human touch I get in a week." My brain was pretty full with my own worries at that time, but reading those posts drained out a bit of my inward focus and let in a little outward thinking. My human touch needs were being met, but I hadn't really thought about those who live alone, and their professional lives have, well, professional distance. It was a step in my journey to realize touch was an important gift I could give to others, and at least intellectually I realized it was not a big deal to give. (BTW, I have come a long ways since then.)

A 2nd aspect was learning that some people don't like eye contact, or talking, but crave human touch. Tango provides a good and even healing opportunity for them.

 

[SierraAlpha]

They come and go on their own and don't socialize at all. Nothing is known about their private life, whether have a partner or not. Or whether the partner knows about tango or not. We give them nicknames, the cop, the adder, the sexton.. From these people we only know their tango appearance. You wouldn't recognize them in daylight.

This level of secrecy often suggests that they do have a partner, and don't want them to know.

Interesting. I'm curious to hear more about those creeps since it very much sounds like I'm one of them

 

[opendoor]

...They come and go on their own and don't socialize at all. Nothing is known about their private life, whether have a partner or not. Or whether the partner knows about tango or not. We give them nicknames, the cop, the adder, the sexton.. From these people we only know their tango appearance. You wouldn't recognize them in daylight..

Interesting. I'm curious to hear more about those creeps since it very much sounds like I'm one of them..

So what nickname did they give you?

 

[TTanguero]

My human touch needs were being met, but I hadn't really thought about those who live alone, and their professional lives have, well, professional distance.

One minute in addresses exactly this.

Laura Heredia

tango privates in Buenos Aires

lauraherediatango.com

 

[Tango Newbie]

Every couple has to find their own way. Although my girlfriend is prone to jealousy, I have never, never given her the power to decide how I dance a tanda - always to the best of my ability. In the end, once a week I go alone with a friend to a distant milonga. And she'll visit Buenos Aires alone for six weeks in November. I think that way we both have richer lives.

Good point, and we're finding our own way, both as a couple (primarily), but individually. As beautiful and experienced as she is, my GF is also prone to jealousy. We've both been 'burned' by cheaters in our lives, so I completely understand how she feels. I suppose it's only human nature, but it's not an issue with us.

Her little jealousy came out a few months back; While I came out of the restroom, my GF went out dancing with a very talented leader, so I danced a tanda with a well-known member of the community (who's also married, but her husband has never attended milongas). She's quite beautiful, and dresses more provocatively than most women. Even though I'm a beginner, we were one of 'those couples' that I believe people were paying attention to, and I could tell my GF sneaked a peek while we were in the ronda. At the end of the tanda, this woman and I finished with a little flair of me spinning her around. When I got back to our seats, my GF asked if she asked me to dance, and I said it was mutual. Then she said (with a tiny hint of jealousy); "that move at the end was inappropriate, and isn't done in tango..." My response was; "We were just having a little fun, just like others sometimes do at the end of a tanda..."

As for 'how' I dance a tanda, I dance to the best of my ability and a way that's comfortable for the follower, but I also respect her wish that women don't get too close (cheek-to-cheek).

We did come up with a couple expectations of each other;

• Me: that we dance the first tanda (at a minimum), and strive for dancing the last tanda with each other (but the 'last tanda' rule has been broken by both of us).
• Hers: that we don't go to (local) milongas without each other. She wants our community to see us as a couple, primarily so the female lounge-lizards don't get the wrong impression. This is where my GF is prone to jealousy and not elsewhere. And yes, we have our share of 'single' leaders and followers, with a small mixture of the usual 'drama' that goes along with that (but nothing too obvious to the casual observer).

As for traveling to BA, my GF has been there 3x over her 22 years of dancing tango, while I've never been. She has gone on a few trips without me, the farthest being Crete last year to visit a married couple she knows. There are 'zero' trust issues with us, including either of us going away. Let's just say we respect each other and are mature enough to be faithful.

 

[Tango Newbie]

I know this group exists. They come and go on their own and don't socialize at all. Nothing is known about their private life, whether have a partner or not. Or whether the partner knows about tango or not. We give them nicknames, the cop, the adder, the sexton.. From these people we only know their tango appearance. You wouldn't recognize them in daylight.

That's about how I'd summarize those (single) people in our community; they socialize, but just enough to be cordial and friendly, but that's about as far as it goes.

That said, we do have a about a half-dozen (that I'm aware of) leaders and followers who are married, but their spouses are never around and don't attend any milongas etc. A few months ago we had a daytime party in a local park for people with birthdays in Feb (my birth month). One of the followers I dance with quite regularly is a medical doctor. I had no idea of her marital status, but her husband came to the park, but he sat there like a lump on a log, looked bored out of his mind, and didn't interact with anyone. I sort of suspect she gets 'warm hugs' through tango, something that may be lacking at home. This follower told my GF that she's lucky to have a partner (me) who enjoys tango.

 

[Tango Newbie]

There’s one other aspect that I didn’t mention earlier. As you’ve progressed from beginner to intermediate? leader your pool of potential partners has grown. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, has a much smaller pool to choose from. Further she can dance with you whenever she likes so is less motivated to accept less skilled (either socially or from a dance perspective) partners.

You are so right about that. When I started out my GF said the same thing and I really didn't believe her, and thought I'd be struggling to get a follower to agree to dance with me.

As I have progressed beyond "beginner" I have lots ladies (friends and strangers alike) not only willing to dance with me, but verbally asking. While that is an ego-booster, it also puts a lot of pressure on me; to accommodate my GF, but also dance with other followers so she is cabeceo'd by one of those leaders she's interested in dancing with.

This past weekend we attended our local 'tango marathon' (but only one day of it). When we arrived and saw how there was an imbalance (3:2 followers to leaders) she told me; "you'll have your pick and will be busy..." She went on to say; "...there aren't too many leaders here I want to dance with, except for Stan, Bill, Tom, (and a couple other leaders)..." My response to that was; "Listen sweetie, I'm here for you, so we can dance as much as you want..."

Before we danced our first tanda, we met a follower we both know who I have danced with who brought a friend, who's a beginner at our studio (but hasn't been to any milongas). Right then, my GF actually said to me; "...you'll have to dance with both Maryann and her friend..." Of course I agreed, so, right out of the chute I had two followers lined up even before the first tanda with my GF.

And again, you're right about her being (somewhat) selective since she has me. But conversely, she's also trying to avoid coming off as a snob (or unapproachable), so she makes a few exceptions to her selectivity.