How to reject and what to do when rejected?

[wadpro]

So, in short can we say that:

If someone rejects you, dont insist, dont ask another woman next to her for a dance. Just turn back to your sit and look for another woman to dance. Another option is, after hearing the answer "no", to go to the restroom, or to go to the bar to drink something.

If a rejection really bothers us, our only option is not to ask her for dance again, right?

 

[Mladenac]

I asked some girl several times not the same evening cause they are good dancers and I need to dance/practice with somebody.
After they didn't want to dance I don't ask them anymore.
On some occasions where there are no men I don't ask them as well.

Some girls are not in the mood for the moment, so they come later, or accept in other occasion.
Sometimes I come just to sit and watch, or I need a break, so I can understand them.

Yesterday it was ladies night, so some girl that are not so good dancers asked me to dance.

I believe in dancing personality comes first later technique.

 

[opendoor]

... in short can we say that...

Don´t think so. There are no rules in particular. Just be - and stay - authentic. I know a lot of dancers that became a vain arshole after 5 years.

 

[milongadicto]

I guess it's different for us guys, as it's usually us doing the asking, hence making us more 'prone' to getting rejected. In my experience, the best way to deal with rejection is not to take it personal and just move on. It seems from previous posts and threads that you're having some tough time dealing with this particular aspect, wadpro... You should just accept it as part of the milonga. Tango music is dramatic and has mostly sad themes, but that doesn't mean milongas have to be a drama. Just enjoy it man

 

[Dave Bailey]

So, in short can we say that:

If someone rejects you, dont insist,

Yes. Definitely don't ever insist.

dont ask another woman next to her for a dance.

Probably not, but it's up to your judgement.

Just turn back to your sit and look for another woman to dance. Another option is, after hearing the answer "no", to go to the restroom, or to go to the bar to drink something.

Basically, yeah. I don't want to go down the "rules" route too far, but as guidance, that works.

If a rejection really bothers us, our only option is not to ask her for dance again, right?

Yes.

 

[c955]

I see it from a slightly different POV. If I ask a woman to dance, I really would prefer her to say 'no' if she doesn't want to accept the invite, rather than say 'yes' because she felt in some way obliged.

I can often sense my follower's feeling by the 'sincerity' of her embrace. It simply isn't enjoyable for either party, so I wish she'd have said 'no thank you'.

Why would you want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with you?

All IMHO of course

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

I see it from a slightly different POV. If I ask a woman to dance, I really would prefer her to say 'no' if she doesn't want to accept the invite, rather than say 'yes' because she felt in some way obliged.

I can often sense my follower's feeling by the 'sincerity' of her embrace. It simply isn't enjoyable for either party, so I wish she'd have said 'no thank you'.

Why would you want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with you?

All IMHO of course

Exactly. When somebody tries to pressure, bully, guilt-trip me into dancing with them, no matter what their dancing skills are, I see that as a red flag.

It is a little like a relationship. When a suitor, a prospective mate during a courtship period, when everybody is on their best behavior, is manipulative, inconsiderate of your feelings, you can be almost 100% sure: if you get involved with that person further, it is going to get much worse. To the point that they might treat you real bad if you let them.
So, here is, standing in front of me, somebody who does not care about me and my feelings right now. It makes me wonder, what could it become if I actually let him hold me very close and lead me??
Thanks, I rather not find that one out.

 

[Steve Pastor]

When a suitor, a prospective mate during a courtship period, when everybody is on their best behavior, is manipulative, inconsiderate of your feelings, you can be almost 100% sure: if you get involved with that person further, it is going to get much worse.

Yes, and it can take a long time to figure this out and make it part of our behavior.

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

Yes, and it can take a long time to figure this out and make it part of our behavior.

I believe taking up tango might be a great learning opportunity, also for social skills that can significantly improve one's personal life.

 

[ant]

If someone rejects you, dont insist, dont ask another woman next to her for a dance. Just turn back to your sit and look for another woman to dance. Another option is, after hearing the answer "no", to go to the restroom, or to go to the bar to drink something.

Yes. But don't hang on to the words. Think of the intent behind them as well.

If a rejection really bothers us, our only option is not to ask her for dance again, right ?

In one sense yes.

But we can also look at ourselves and work on a longer term stategy to improve things. If you fancy doing that Wadpro I can give you some ideas but to begin with it will be very personal.

 

[Mario7]

I've been rejected a lot in the past year or so. I usually will ask a woman again at a later date if she refuses me once. If twice, I will never ask her again. And yes, I would see a woman not finishing a tanda as an even bigger rejection if it seems that she knows what she is doing. Also, a woman who uses her left hand to hold me apart in open hold, will never get another invitation from me to dance. And I would not finish the tanda with her. But usually I will ask an 'unknown' only when there is one song left in the tanda.
There is a woman that I asked 2 or 3 times (over a couple of weeks) and she refused me each time. I had kept asking her because she was pretty much a beginner and I figured that she didn't know what she was doing by refusing me...anyway, I gave up on her and just danced with my regular partners. A couple of months later, she was big enough to (in effect) apologise when she better understood my dancing ability. Actually, I never did ask her to dance again (nor she me) but I conversed with her in a friendly way a lot. I didn't ask for a dance with her because at that point, I didn't think that we would do a good job of it. But I'm glad that she broke the ice and came over to me to talk, etc. I respect that a lot.
(had she asked me to dance directly, of course I would have)

 

[Madahlia]

I've been rejected a lot in the past year or so.

So, not just me then!

Also, a woman who uses her left hand to hold me apart in open hold, will never get another invitation from me to dance. And I would not finish the tanda with her.

Is this because you don't like to be dictated to, because you really dislike dancing in open embrace or because it makes you feel that the lady rejecting you?

But usually I will ask an 'unknown' only when there is one song left in the tanda.

I'd be happy with that, at least it would give me a chance to show what I can do, if not to let my nerves calm down.

There is a woman that I asked 2 or 3 times (over a couple of weeks) and she refused me each time. I had kept asking her because she was pretty much a beginner and I figured that she didn't know what she was doing by refusing me...

You're just too modest, Mario7!

.....anyway, I gave up on her and just danced with my regular partners. A couple of months later, she was big enough to (in effect) apologise when she better understood my dancing ability. Actually, I never did ask her to dance again (nor she me) but I conversed with her in a friendly way a lot. I didn't ask for a dance with her because at that point, I didn't think that we would do a good job of it. But I'm glad that she broke the ice and came over to me to talk, etc. I respect that a lot.
(had she asked me to dance directly, of course I would have)

This all makes me contemplate on the nature of tango games and the fact that I should refuse to play them, either with myself or anyone else. It is counter-productive and harms my enjoyment of the dance. Any advice on how to rise above it all would be gratefully received!

 

[Madahlia]

Exactly. When somebody tries to pressure, bully, guilt-trip me into dancing with them, no matter what their dancing skills are, I see that as a red flag.

Yes, indeed, and I agree with the rest of your post. But surely, that kind of behaviour in dancing is unheard of? It hadn't occurred to me that anyone would or could behave like that - until Wadpro raised the subject.

Maybe I'm naive, but is it that common?

 

[Dave Bailey]

I usually will ask a woman again at a later date if she refuses me once. If twice, I will never ask her again.

Seems reasonable.

Personally, I have a "1 strike" rule* - if she refuses once (and I don't know her), then I figure that there's no point in asking her again. If she wants to dance with me later, then she can ask me.

And yes, I would see a woman not finishing a tanda as an even bigger rejection if it seems that she knows what she is doing.

That seems to be the consensus - interesting to know. I've learnt something.

Also, a woman who uses her left hand to hold me apart in open hold, will never get another invitation from me to dance.

Seems a bit harsh - some people simply want to dance in open. Still, that's your choice.

There is a woman that I asked 2 or 3 times (over a couple of weeks) and she refused me each time. I had kept asking her because she was pretty

Indeed

(Sorry, that was mean, but I couldn't resist...!)

* Well, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

 

[ant]

Originally Posted by Mario7
Also, a woman who uses her left hand to hold me apart in open hold, will never get another invitation from me to dance.

Seems a bit harsh - some people simply want to dance in open. Still, that's your choice.

DB I think you can feel the difference between the left arm being used as a barrier compared to showing a preference for open embrace.

Mario I find that when this happens I think "why the hell did you say yes then". However, I usually stick with it. Try very hard when dancing to show the lady I respect her choice for open embrace and I usually find after a while and assuming the music allows we do go into close embrace or I get some sort of explanation as to why she prefers open embrace.