How to reject and what to do when rejected?

[Peaches]

For a bit of perspective on the bracing the arm to maintain open position...

I've done this from time to time, with a couple of leaders. Whenever I've done it, it's because the guy is forcibly pulling me into him with his right arm--either deliberately or not, I don't know and don't care. It's my way of trying to maintain distance, and maintain my balance. Sometimes it's because close embrace is uncomfortable for one reason or another so want to dance open, but the guy is insistent.

So...check to make sure there's not something about what you're doing that would make her brace her arm.

 

[Madahlia]

It's my way of trying to maintain distance, and maintain my balance. Sometimes it's because close embrace is uncomfortable for one reason or another so want to dance open, but the guy is insistent.

I have done this to maintain my balance occasionally and once to avoid being forced into close embrace with a guy I didn't want to be that close to.

 

[jennyisdancing]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mario7
There is a woman that I asked 2 or 3 times (over a couple of weeks) and she refused me each time. I had kept asking her because she was pretty

Indeed :smile:

(Sorry, that was mean, but I couldn't resist...!)

Given there is a surplus of followers at most milongas (at least in my area) I find it baffling to see a leader complain about being rejected. I mean, chances are if one lady says no, there will be several others who will say yes, even if you are a beginner.

Most ladies are just happy to get out of their chair and dance, which is what they came there for. If you are only asking very pretty or really advanced ladies, then obviously your chances of rejection go way up.

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

Yes, indeed, and I agree with the rest of your post. But surely, that kind of behaviour in dancing is unheard of? It hadn't occurred to me that anyone would or could behave like that - until Wadpro raised the subject.

Maybe I'm naive, but is it that common?

Alas, it happens from time to time, and not only from men toward women. I have witnessed such behavior of some ladies trying to make my instructor dance with them in milongas, that I wanted to pinch myself on more than one occasion. Anywhere from manipulative to downright obnoxiously rude.

 

[bordertangoman]

Hmm a male friend felt that there was a status thing invloved; that if you as a man were seen dancing with a woman who might be a beginner other ladies would look down on you and decline your invitiations to dance, so to get your stake on the tango ladder you have to be seen[ to be dancing with the better/younger/prettier dancers.. so it goes

 

[dchester]

Hmm a male friend felt that there was a status thing invloved; that if you as a man were seen dancing with a woman who might be a beginner other ladies would look down on you and decline your invitiations to dance, so to get your stake on the tango ladder you have to be seen[ to be dancing with the better/younger/prettier dancers.. so it goes

I'm glad that nonsense doesn't seem to occur at the milongas I normally go to.

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

Hmm a male friend felt that there was a status thing invloved; that if you as a man were seen dancing with a woman who might be a beginner other ladies would look down on you and decline your invitiations to dance

Not likely. For a lady, it means that a guy is a) a very good leader, because that what it usually takes leading beginners, and b) a very nice, caring guy. We all were beginners once, and we have warm memories of those guys who danced with us when we just started.

to get your stake on the tango ladder you have to be seen[ to be dancing with the better/younger/prettier dancers.. so it goes

That is somewhat true. If the leader never ever dances with anybody good (not necessarily young and pretty), that will make me wonder.

 

[jennyisdancing]

Not likely. For a lady, it means that a guy is a) a very good leader, because that what it usually takes leading beginners, and b) a very nice, caring guy. We all were beginners once, and we have warm memories of those guys who danced with us when we just started.



That is somewhat true. If the leader never ever dances with anybody good (not necessarily young and pretty), that will make me wonder.

Maybe, maybe not. If the cliqueyness is really bad, sometimes even a good dancer will have a hard time getting dances with the better people. The point I was addressing, however, was the complaint about "pretty" dancers rejecting a leader. Young and/or pretty is not the same as skill. And I do see some excellent older ladies sitting a lot because some of the leaders are hung up on the young or pretty ones.

 

[bastet]

Young and/or pretty is not the same as skill. And I do see some excellent older ladies sitting a lot because some of the leaders are hung up on the young or pretty ones.

I see the same thing happen. It's sad. And as I am neither young nor pretty myself...I've tried very very hard to acquire skill.

 

[Dave Bailey]

DB I think you can feel the difference between the left arm being used as a barrier compared to showing a preference for open embrace.

Well, it's one technique some women use to "show a preference", typically reserved for men who can't take subtle hints.

Which, let's face it, is pretty much all of us...

 

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

Yeah, it is not that simple at times. There are many factors involved in the choice of partners, some quite irrational.

As my tango journey progressed, I found out that "snobby people and members of the clique" does not always equal "better dancers". I have met a fair share of "tango stars" and "maestros" out there I would not care to dance with.

Although, the truth is, real good dancers tend to be picky about who they dance with, which also may be perceived by some as snobbishness.

 

[Dave Bailey]

Given there is a surplus of followers at most milongas (at least in my area) I find it baffling to see a leader complain about being rejected. I mean, chances are if one lady says no, there will be several others who will say yes, even if you are a beginner.

Rejection is painful. Always. It doesn't matter how many women are over - the fact is, that woman has rejected you.

One of the main reasons cabaceo was devised was to avoid men feeling humiliated that way.

Most ladies are just happy to get out of their chair and dance, which is what they came there for.

Depends on the venue, really. I imagine that statement is totally incorrect for the typical BsAs milonga, for example.

If you are only asking very pretty or really advanced ladies, then obviously your chances of rejection go way up.

Why?

 

[ant]

I see the same thing happen. It's sad. And as I am neither young nor pretty myself...I've tried very very hard to acquire skill.

Sometimes I think these ladies have got to look at the message their body language conveys.

At one Milonga I go to there is a 78 year old lady. She has had a hip replacement and insists on you dancing with her in a very careful manner. However she is a happy person and makes it good fun to dance with her. Other women at the same Milonga are a bit younger but don't give out the same body language.

I experience a similar example at another venue.

These two ladies are always dancing but others are not. Why?

 

[Dave Bailey]

Blimey, we're clearly going down the "pretty" route...

The point I was addressing, however, was the complaint about "pretty" dancers rejecting a leader.

What complaint - my off-the-cuff remark?

Young and/or pretty is not the same as skill. And I do see some excellent older ladies sitting a lot because some of the leaders are hung up on the young or pretty ones.

My criteria for choosing a partner, in this order, are:

1. Attitude
2. Skill
3. Looks

That's it.

 

[ant]

My criteria for choosing a partner, in this order, are:

1. Attitude

DB, I ask myself is this a first. We actually agree.