Single follower at Milongas (to risk or not to risk)

[JournalInTime]

Mostly, I dislike hot and/or high-friction and/or excessive fabrics. I run hot to start with, so being plastered to anything thick and warm will end up being unpleasant for both of us. I dance close and lead turns that require rolling torso-to-torso, so anything that doesn't slide and glide makes turning unpleasant for both of us. And I love leg games, so anything that blocks a high sacada, gancho, enganche, piernazo, etc. turns me off (but that might be the goal of some people . . . I have no insights).

But yes, too little clothing is also a problem. I run hot, so if there's nowhere but skin for my hand to go, I'll pass because I don't want the ickiness of two people sweating in direct contact. I dance close and lead turns that require rolling torso-to-torso, so anything that looks like it'll fall off if it rubs against me also leads to me passing. And I love leg games, so any skirt so short that I fear I'll flash my partner likewise leads to me passing.

There's really no shortage of well-made tango clothing of the correct weight, slipperiness, and length. My partner has a ton of it. Similarly, I wear proper tango trousers and form-fitting bamboo shirts with a silky texture. Our coach has said more than once that correct tango outfits noticeably improve a dancer's effective skill, and I completely believe it.

 

[Steve Pastor]

I think I can empathize with your situation because, after nearly 20 years of regularly dancing AT locally, and never having a "regular" partner, covid hit and it all went away. My favorite venue, a Sunday afternoon practica, is not coming back. So, when and if I decide (well, most likely when, but I'm still holding out because I'm covid cautious (I haven't had it, or a cold or the flu for that many years) to get back into the game, I will be the person that probably no one knows or remembers. But of course I'm a guy, but I really think that doesn't make that much difference.
My reading of mirada / cabaceo is that potential partners are equally responsible for indicating that they want to dance with each other. When I reintroduce myself to the AT scene here in Portland, I'll show up and be sure to take any before the milonga lesson that is offered. If possible I will sit near a potential partner or partners which would facilitate "small talk" that may lead to a tanda with that person. As soon as the cortina begins, I will be scanning the room for a partner.
I've always felt that the 3 - 4 dances you commit yourself to make it less likely to take a chance with someone you've never seen dancing. So, my expectation is that having a bunch of partners at any given venue is a long(ish) term project.
My patience is not unlimited, however, and country western won out over AT on Saturday evenings, simply because I found that I danced more at a "dance hall and saloon" than at a milonga. The Sunday afternoon practica worked better for AT and me.
Bold or more patient? I know I didn't answer your question directly...

 

[opendoor]

.. I will be the person that probably no one.. remembers..

Never, my friend!

 

[Bailango]

Hi guys, I am relatively new to AT, but I can follow quite well as I have a wast experience in many other forms of dancing and can understand how to maintain my axis, have a free leg, collect, very comfortable with the close embrace, I am very flexible and was regularly complimented on my musicality.

I recently started going to local Milongas. I am 40 (I consider myself to be a good looking lady). It is really awkward to be sitting at a table by myself or with other lady and wait sometimes for a few tandas in a row before being asked to dance.

My question is... Should I just be patient and keep on attending and wait till more people know me and my dancing abilities and start asking me dancing more regularly or whether I have a right to walk and verbally ask a guy to dance with me? I tried to search for guys visually and perform cabeceo, but they all seem to pretend not to notice my attempts.

So should I be more bold or more patient? What do you think will pay in a long run?

The most important element missing is description of your scene. Is it big, small, how many milongas a week, how many people at typical milonga, which continent/country. Larger and more frequent milongas make things easier. Smaller milongas and smaller scene means more work to break in.

if you see a good dancer, walk up and ask verbally. Be bold.

 

[Bailango]

Hello TA_RA, And there are often exclusive background networks that invite each other privately to coffee, cake and birthdays, something which also creates commitments. It is also advantageous to have several dance partners at the same time, one in the absolute beginner's course and one at your level for prácticas and workshops. And go to festivals with your peers, rent an apartment and live together during this time. I know my tips don't improve the situation of followers at milongas, but maybe they help to make the frustration in the evening a little more bearable. Good luck and welcome to DF!

Ingratiating myself to in-networks, I have always avoided. Were it to occur organically, it is a different matter. If I would go to festivals, I go to places of my choosing and time. Most of the festivals that locals like going, I have little or no interest. Building social connections to fill my dance card doesn’t appeal to me. So far it has been other way round. My social card fills due to dancing connection. Perhaps I am outlier. I find it too energy consuming or draining to work the room.

 

[Bailango]

Some milongas in Europe seem to believe it's up to the leader to cabeceo, but fortunately

What happens at those milongas in Europe if a follower were to Cabaceo or outright ask?

Followers will not initiate cabeco in BsAs?

 

[Bailango]

And yes, I started going to local workshops and lessons. My teacher, though, is very discouraging when it comes to Milongas. He says he doesn't dance with his students as they ruin his night. But to be honest I haven't seen him dancing with anyone anyway. He is a former Australian champion in AT. He is still performing with his partner, but generally doesn't dance at Milongas.

This attitude is very prevalent among tango instructors at large. It is my pet peeve about the tango instructors that they consider themselves to be above their students. Since they are charging the students and also building community, they should suck it up and dance. Not all the tasks at a job we get paid are enjoyable.

 

[Brummbaer]

Followers will not initiate cabeco in BsAs?

Whilst I have no personal knowledge, there was this comment on the Codigos thread. People we know who travel frequently to BsAs indicate that it is, of course, done, but wasn't the custom. But I'd just take it as another 'myth' from the history of AT and social customs in a particular locale.

 

[Brummbaer]

What happens at those milongas in Europe if a follower were to Cabaceo or outright ask?

Depends. I've been to some where I'm asked if my wife would like to dance. Others want to follow some atavistic myth and disapprove of follower's cabeceo (do they notice?). Others don't bother. Went to a more rural milonga last week where the notice said cabeceo/mirada to be asked by a female acquaintance we'd met previously whether I'd do this tanda with her. Nobody else really bothered with cabecro/mirada either.

Personally, I'm fine with that. You don't cabeceo a friend who's close by anyway, unless it's across a crowded room.

As to what happens. Well, we're polite. Sometimes/rarely the organiser may want to play to their interpretation of the 'rules', and you might be politely asked to use cabeceo. But then you can't overrule what everyone accepts and does.

The plan is to observe what others do if it's not your usual milonga.

Lots of alternative views on the codigos thread(s), so defer to that rather than branching here

 

[TTanguero]

So should I be more bold or more patient? What do you think will pay in a long run?

I'd echo a lot of the advice you've been given. Most especially, look interested in dancing – and don't stop looking around 30 seconds into the first song. Standing when the tanda begins is an unmistakeable sign that you'd like to dance this tanda.

I wouldn't ask verbally, as that is often taken to be a sign of a poor dancer who can't get dances any other way. But do be active in mirada/cabeceo.

Definitely eye-contact and a smile when leaders look in your direction while dancing – that is one of the things that puts a new follower on my radar.

 

[Brummbaer]

It is my pet peeve about the tango instructors that they consider themselves to be above their students.

It depends. We know some who go and invite. Workshop a few months ago and the instructor worked his way systematically round the room in the milonga afterwards. Some other teachers we know certainly invite students, and are invited. Others we know will accept invitations, but don't invite themselves (find that a bit weird).

Some other instructors we know, a couple, but don't have lessons with, invite. She complains that leaders don't invite her. My theory is that leaders are scared.

 

[TTanguero]

It is my pet peeve about the tango instructors that they consider themselves to be above their students.

My view is that I pay teachers to give me lessons, not to dance with me at milongas. They, like me, are there to enjoy themselves, and I don't have any expectations of them cabeceoing me.

It's lovely when it does happen, of course, but I don't think it's reasonable to be annoyed when it doesn't.

 

[Rabbit]

This attitude is very prevalent among tango instructors at large. It is my pet peeve about the tango instructors that they consider themselves to be above their students. Since they are charging the students and also building community, they should suck it up and dance. Not all the tasks at a job we get paid are enjoyable.

For myself, I would avoid that problem by declining to teach privately anyone whom I didn't think I could train to be an enjoyable dancer fairly quickly.

Of course I understand that a full time instructor probably has to take on students with lower potential too. Perhaps it would be fair to charge a little extra if it is expected to dance with these students at practicas or milongas - there usually seems to be some teaching going on in these cases.

Some other instructors we know, a couple, but don't have lessons with, invite. She complains that leaders don't invite her. My theory is that leaders are scared.

I think there are enough instructors that don't dance at milongas (often because they're tired after teaching all day and want to chill, but need to be seen at the milonga anyway), that the ones who do want to dance need to make it more clear that they do.

 

[Paja]

Here in Czech Republic are milongas organized by some Tango school or community. My advice for TA_RA is simple, contact this school, visit practicas or lessons, make friends inside community. Two big benefits - your Tango will be better and better, despite you are good dancer and follower even now. Second benefit - you will not be allone on milonga, friends from practicas will automatically reserve one tanda for you. And next is like snowball, more new friends, new cities, new communities and milongas.

 

[JournalInTime]

The most important element missing is description of your scene. Is it big, small, how many milongas a week, how many people at typical milonga, which continent/country. Larger and more frequent milongas make things easier. Smaller milongas and smaller scene means more work to break in.

Yes, this is very important! Over the past 5+ years on these forums, I've seen comments that strike me as weird. They aren't, though – they're just talking about tango elsewhere. Where I live:

• According to plausible math by one of my teachers, we have about 5,000 people who can dance tango, maybe 500 of whom currently do, perhaps 125-250 of whom go out any given week and 25-50 of whom are likely to be at any given event.

• The Montréal metro area has 4.1 million people. It also has lots of festivals, and is one of the few large cities in Canada. Thus, we get a lot of tango tourists from smaller Canadian cities nearby (e.g., Ottawa and Québec), the U.S.A., and overseas.

• A "slow" event likely to be remembered as a failure might have only 20-25 people. A big one can easily have 100+ people.

• Followers nearly always outnumber leaders. 3:2 is about as good as it gets, with 2:1 being unremarkable. Yes, leaders sometimes outnumber followers (by maybe 5:4), but that or even 1:1 is memorably strange.

• Even after the damage COVID-19 caused (studios that closed for good, teachers who changed careers, dancers who quit, and, sadly, dancers who died), you can dance every evening. About 4 (maybe 5 or even 6 . . . I'm unsure) out of 7, you have at least two choices. There are also 3 afternoon events, one each on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Depending on the week, month, and season, you have 10+ and often closer to 20 choices per week.

If you're a single follower, you have a lot of competition at any given event, but you can also "snipe" good events with fewer followers, and you can retry daily or even twice daily if you're up for it. Just showing up to, say, 5+ events per week will put you on the radar. I've invited a whole lot of followers because my inner monologue said, "I saw her Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. She's serious. Invite her."

The "serious" thing matters. If someone is always around but never improving in a city with double-digit schools and dozens of teachers, I can't bring myself to invite them. I've pursued at least weekly lessons and coaching nonstop going on 10 years. I'm no gift to tango, but I've smoothed out my roughest edges and they're getting smoother. On some level, I expect that from anyone in a scene as vibrant as ours. But too many dancers "just want to dance" and quit learning, and then they're basically dancing their bad habits . . . which for me rates a yellow if not red card.