Single follower at Milongas (to risk or not to risk)

[Bailango]

Whilst I have no personal knowledge, there was this comment on the Codigos thread. People we know who travel frequently to BsAs indicate that it is, of course, done, but wasn't the custom. But I'd just take it as another 'myth' from the history of AT and social customs in a particular locale.

As it is said rules are made to be broken. In the most patriarchal societies there are aways a subset of women who are feisty. Recently a friend of mine who was in BsAs narrated being shouted upon and scolded by a local man who was her friend, when she cabaceo or asked him. They were going to milongas together. For a long time I have been telling her to ask men when she is not getting asked. The BsAs experience scarred her. I told her whoever that man was, he was being idiot for the way he reacted.

Personally I don’t give too much credence to it being BsAs custom. In other partner dances too, a man is suppose and expected to do the asking. Therefore I wonder how can it be hyped up as some unique BsAs custom. I view it as no different than norms and mores which said woman have to cook and men have to earn, that were almost universal across different societies till 20th century. I haven’t read any codiga that says woman shall not ask. If two people like dancing with each other, cabaceo is very helpful and discreet to facilitate asking and no one will no codiga is been broken I would be equally surprise if most BsAs men as a routine will turn down cabaceo from a young attractive foreign female Not if I have to believe stories told by every woman who has visited there being invited to “coffee” after the milonga!

 

[Brummbaer]

I haven’t read any codiga that says woman shall not ask

Well, I'll give you one here. How old that is, or someone's personal interpretation, I've no idea. I just think it's outdated, but then society differs around the world. If mixed dancing was allowed in some countries, then a woman asking might get her killed.

Observe what goes on, and adopt that if visiting. When in Rome... as the Christian scriptures say. It is, after all, their society and we're just visiting.

 

[Bailango]

Well, I'll give you one here. How old that is, or someone's personal interpretation, I've no idea. I just think it's outdated, but then society differs around the world. If mixed dancing was allowed in some countries, then a woman asking might get her killed.

I know the guy that wrote the blog. I don’t know who “Richard bellozo” is who is the original attribution of that list. The blogger himself, I haven’t seen him turn down a woman verbally asking him. I can have him asked about what he thinks of that codiga #3.

#4 makes me think there a taliban offshoot in tango

#7 seems opposite of what most instructors would say though it is unclear what author means by “embrace her first”

#15 not sur why this should be a codiga. It has nothing to do with dancing.

#16 I heard of people in BsAs do this when they want to meet each other. From what Ian told it is done to be discreet and not getting found out by others (often someone that could get upset). Again not dance or milonga related.

 

[Brummbaer]

I don’t know

Neither do I. It would be better to transfer that discussion to the Cabeceo/Codigos thread. The problem with the codigos is they're a historical report from a specific observer. I'll give another example from here:

• We invite women to dance through the classic “Cabeceo del caballero”.

My point remains in the context of the original question from Australia. It's not our country or culture. Sure, we get an impression, for example the Julia Gillard mysogeny speech.

In reverse, just because some US citizens have a gun fetish, doesn't mean you can freely do that in other countries, nor change their laws because US courts took another view. No, we're not talking about a law, just the way another society functions in a specific locale. We usually miss the nuances when we attempt to patch it on to our own culture.

Maybe there are other options for milongas in the location, and maybe there's nothing to be lost by asking for a dance if you're not getting them. But maybe there is. Got to hope it improves for the questioner.

 

[Greybeard]

11. There are lines on the dance floor. The perimeter is for the most experienced dancers. The beginners who are blocking the circulation should dance in the middle of the floor

I was dancing with a porteña in BA and moved to the center line because I felt cramped in the outside. She took me by the hand after the first song and found a place for me in the outer line. I stayed in the outer line the rest of that tanda.

 

[opendoor]

..She took me by the hand after the..

Such audacity is not appropriate. I would NOT have accompanied her.

 

[opendoor]

..Building social connections to fill my dance card doesn’t appeal to me..

That shouldn't be a suggestion. I just reported on what is common in the field.

 

[Tango Distance]

I had not really thought about this: Leaders, do you prefer to ask someone who is sitting alone, or in a group? Flipping this to the OP's perspective, and her odds better sitting alone or in a group?

 

[TTanguero]

I had not really thought about this: Leaders, do you prefer to ask someone who is sitting alone, or in a group? Flipping this to the OP's perspective, and her odds better sitting alone or in a group?

Someone in a group is always trickier to cabeceo, as you can either get everyone thinking it's them, or everyone thinking it's someone else ...

 

[opendoor]

..Leaders, do you prefer to ask someone who is sitting alone, or in a group..

In group, of course: only one cabeceo and you'll get them altogether.

 

[TTanguero]

In group, of course: only one cabeceo and you'll get them altogether.

True, but it takes some coordination:

 

[Brummbaer]

I had not really thought about this: Leaders, do you prefer to ask someone who is sitting alone, or in a group? Flipping this to the OP's perspective, and her odds better sitting alone or in a group?

Depends on the group and your own social involvement. And, of course, the 'rules' pertaining to that gathering, e.g. is it strictly the equivalent of some 'meat market' - solos/genders, couples, strictly segregated following some interpretation of appropriate rules? Or some more normal 'western' social gathering?

The lone solo may be alone for many reasons. At worst, maybe they're 'known' as a poor dancer. They may just be a stranger. Maybe they get a sympathy invite/cabeceo.

Groups of either gender sat talking are difficult to disturb, unless you know someone in the group and are prepared to interrupt.

Mixed groups are probably there to socialise and dance together, but they may split and re-form with other members depending on the social dynamics. And, of course, a lone solo may be invited to join - and be invited to dance by those in the group. It may re-form giving more contacts and potential invites. Or it may be a clique.

I'd go up to a group that I knew and invite someone after some introductory pleasantries.

It depends what's happening. If followers are actively looking for a dance then it doesn't matter whether they're in a group or not. If they're part of some mixed gender/role social group then they have a good chance of an invite from within the group as well - which could open other possibilities.

Best option: socialise with a purpose.
Worst: single gender/role group not seeking dances.



(Someone ought to do a research study on the social dynamics)

 

[ArbeeNYC]

I had not really thought about this: Leaders, do you prefer to ask someone who is sitting alone, or in a group? Flipping this to the OP's perspective, and her odds better sitting alone or in a group?

Alone, almost always. It's much easier and women sitting alone are signaling that they want to dance (unless their unbuckling their heels or reading their phone). When in a group, it's hard to cut through the noise (figurative and literal) of the chit-chat.

 

[Tangogal]

Ugh. I hate sitting all alone and forlorn at a milonga.
There are a few “tricks” to catching someone’s eye.
1. Sit where you can be seen
2. If you are seated with a couple be nice to them and the leader will probably ask you to dance.
3. Wear something eye-catching. It’s hard to pick out one face in a sea of black dresses
4. Wear tango-looking shoes. Leaders often try to assess skills by the shoes. A salsa/Latin/ballroom dancer will be less likely to have AT skills. Don’t wear sneakers until you’re well known and/or before midnight.
5. Be clear about your intention to dance. No glancing down or rummaging in a bag. No deep and meaningful conversations. When the cortina starts stretch your neck and look around until someone holds eye contact.

 

[JournalInTime]

1. Sit where you can be seen

This is top. Long walls are eeevil . . . half the dancers sit along them, and they can't see anybody more than a couple of long steps up the wall. Short walls are great because people along the long walls can usually see you there.

2. If you are seated with a couple be nice to them and the leader will probably ask you to dance.

Indeed, I was actually taught that it's impolite to sit with followers and not invite them. A leader who does that is probably fairly clueless and likely inexperienced.

3. Wear something eye-catching. It’s hard to pick out one face in a sea of black dresses

My partner swears by red. She claims that when she wears it, it doubles the number of invitations she gets. Also, purpose-made tango clothing suggests you're a serious dancer who might also be skilled (or why pay a small fortune for clothing cut in a way that isn't useful for anything but dancing?).

4. Wear tango-looking shoes. Leaders often try to assess skills by the shoes. A salsa/Latin/ballroom dancer will be less likely to have AT skills. Don’t wear sneakers until you’re well known and/or before midnight.

Sad to say, comfort can hurt your odds. Chunky heels are actively scary because they pose a risk and suggest the wearer isn't stable. Though well-worn dance sneakers or teaching shoes are fine, because that tells me the wearer is a serious dancer who buys purpose-made dance wear and dances enough to wear it out.