The long-term solution is dual-role dancing?

[MediocresAires]

When I dance 5 tandas as a follower and then after 1 tanda as a leader suddenly all the man stop inviting me, it's probably not because they think that I only lead. They have seen me following before.

 

[itwillhappen]

I'm really curious as to what factors might influence experiences here, as I haven't observed this effect at all – and from what I can see, I'm a less experienced dancer than he is.

There was a reply from Veronica Toumanova in the fb feed of Christos Kouroupetroglou that might union the points of view:

Thank you, Christos, for talking about how it feels to be in the position that you describe, honestly and with respect to my original point. From my three years experience of teaching beginner female leaders who have modest to intermediate follower experience prior to starting to lead, is that for them the struggle is still real. The confidence and the established network you describe that feels like an unfair advantage is probably only true for leaders who are also already excellent followers and advanced dancers in general, having built that up. Most beginner female leaders do not have that luxury and struggle to get dances (often because they don't feel they are good enough, or simply unnoticed) or they dance with other female leaders they practice with, and with whom they can switch roles. The successful female leaders you describe are few but they attract attention, like all good dancers do.

It think, the "sister network" works, and it works as intended, but you need to have one.

 

[Brummbaer]

When I dance 5 tandas as a follower and then after 1 tanda as a leader suddenly all the man stop inviting me, it's probably not because they think that I only lead. They have seen me following before.

But they observe that you've 'swapped' to the other role; that's your role at this moment. It may just be an unconscious bias rather than deliberate. And it may also depend on how well you're acquainted with them and how invitations work where you're dancing. You might have to work on that mirada to get an invite given you've swapped roles, even temporarily.

 

[Brummbaer]

It think, the "sister network" works, and it works as intended, but you need to have one.

AFAIK, there isn't an equivalent for males. Or is there? I suspect it would not be considered well if some 'brother network' was swapping details even of some female follower with whom they really ought to dance.

 

[TTanguero]

I suspect it would not be considered well if some 'brother network' was swapping details even of some female follower with whom they really ought to dance.

That's extremely common, in my experience, and not remotely problematic.

 

[fiesta0618]

Very interesting essays, and a lot of carefully considered, true points in both.

I find myself sympathizing more with the first, than the second, though.

The way I see it, the points in the second essay center upon two two structural disadvantages men face: a less developed social network among followers, and an overall perception of strangers that a woman is "safer" than a man.

But I would argue that that first one is not actually structural. If a man is a regular part of a community for a significant period of time, there is no reason at all that he should not have the same kinds of social connections as a woman in the same group. If a man lacks those connections, it represents work he didn't do, not work he couldn't do. Failing to do that work says something about the man, and quitting on account of it does indeed qualify as "giving up." I grant no passes on this one.

The second one *is* structural, though. Unfamiliar women being perceived as "safer" than unfamiliar men is a broader cultural phenomenon (and there are solid reasons for it). The thing is, though, the surest way to overcome that unfairness is to actively develop your social network. In a word, stop being a stranger! Because then even if a new woman enters the community, you will have affidavit from the regulars as being a "safe man." It takes time and consistent work to do this...but isn't that just the same as for the dance skill itself?

(Long-term, the structural solution is to shift the common expression of masculinity so that is no longer reasonable to treat unfamiliar men as default-dangerous. But the way I see it, a good first step there is for individual men to live the ideal and try their best to roll with the unfairness.)