The top 5 reasons a woman wants to dance with a specific man

[Chris Stratton]

You appear to want to apply your standards to whatever partner you are with without thinking about that partner because you know best,

Standard in the sense of believing it necessary to make an effort.

Which is very different than having a standard of achievement or capability.

I simply do not care to dance with those who cannot be bothered with some degree of caring for my comfort in the dance.

 

[ant]

Standard in the sense of believe it necessary to make an effort.

Which is very different than having a standard of achievement or capability.

Yes but you want to impose your standard of effort on everybody you dance with. I just wish to impose my standard on myself.

I simply do not care to dance with those who cannot be bothered with some degree of caring for my comfort in the dance

I agree.

 

[Chris Stratton]

Well, if you agree that you don't want to dance with people who don't meet my standard (of some degree of caring for my comfort in the dance)... then it would seem we only disagree on the advisability of dancing with people we don't want to dance with?

 

[little hobo]

You're arguing in such abstract terms all meaning has been lost, let alone any relevance to the original topic.

For anyone joining this late, the good stuff stops at around page 5.

 

[ant]

Well, if you agree that you don't want to dance with people who don't meet my standard... then it would seem we only disagree on the advisability of dancing with people we don't want to dance with?

That is not what you said or what I agreed to. Why am I not surprised at this. What was said and agreed to was

Originally Posted by Chris Stratton
.....I simply do not care to dance with those who cannot be bothered with some degree of caring for my comfort in the dance.

A follower lacking in care for her partner is just as unacceptable as a leader that lacks that care.

 

[Chris Stratton]

What was said and agreed to was

A follower lacking in care for her partner is just as unacceptable as a leader that lacks that care.

And _that_ is my standard. Which you agreed to.

I think you still thought my standard had something to do with ability, even though I repeatedly said it didn't.

 

[rain_dog]

You completely missed the point. I didn't say she IS the highlight of his evening. I said he makes her feel that she was the highlight of his evening.

Even a pro can make a beginner feel like a million bucks, and I don't just mean because he condescends to dance with her.

It's all about attitude and how you treat the other person, not about dancing ability. Leaders who go into a tanda with the attitude of "is this person going to please me? Am I going to have a good time dancing with her? Am I going to be satisfied?" don't make their partner feel all that great.

Someone who goes into every tanda, no matter the skill level of the partner or lack thereof, with the attitude "I want this other person to enjoy this dance and feel great about herself, her dancing and the whole world afterwards..." usually ends up with a partner who feels just that. (even if the dancing isn't perfect)

I have had people at all levels make me feel great and people at all levels who left me feeling crappy. Whether or not they are above, at, or below my level had very little to do with it. There's a leader here who makes every woman he dances with feel like he has been waiting all night for a chance to dance with her. Even though we all know deep down inside that he makes every other woman feel this way too, he's still one of the most sought after leaders in the area, and its almost impossible not to be relaxed dancing with someone who is that generous.

IMO, there are too many people in the tango community who have a "What's in it for ME?" attitude in both selecting partners and in dancing with the ones they have selected.

Hi, I'm new here, although I've been lurking for a while. From my perspective as a leader who's been learning AT for the past 8 months (with no previous dance experience), I just wanted to say that this post is easily the most useful piece of advice I've read in these forums. I'm not sure what the 10+ pages of arguing that followed it is all about, since the idea seems simple enough. But it's one I'm definitely going to try to take to heart.

 

[ant]

And _that_ is my standard. Which you agreed to.

I think you still thought my standard had something to do with ability, even though I repeatedly said it didn't.

That again is not correct.

Originally posted by Chris Stratton
Respecting that partner dance is a challenging subject that requires personal investment if one wants to continue to have a good time.

What form that investment needs to take is specific to a given style within a given dance and even subjective in that someone who feels it should have been in a different direction may not fully credit your investment (so dance with someone more compatible instead).

But generally, the needed investment would be in physical skills that make dancing easier for the person you are dancing with........

I also suspect that we have different definitions of

Originally Posted by Chris Stratton
the degree of caring for my comfort in the dance.

And the frequency we consider ourselves in that situation and the attitude we will show when we are actually dancing in that situation.

 

[Chris Stratton]

If we agree that it's important to show concern for a partner's comfort, then wouldn't investing in our physical skills aimed at facilitating his or her physical comfort be an important way of showing that caring?

Compared to the alternative of not caring if one is physically stressing a partner?

 

[Zoopsia59]

I think you still thought my standard had something to do with ability, even though I repeatedly said it didn't.

If we agree that it's important to show concern for a partner's comfort, then wouldn't investing in our physical skills aimed at facilitating his or her physical comfort be an important way of showing that caring?

I think the confusion lies in this question:

How are you measuring the amount of effort another person is putting into improving their skills if not by result (ability)?

And, what if all the effort in the world isn't resulting in much improvement?

 

[Zoopsia59]

Hi, I'm new here, although I've been lurking for a while. From my perspective as a leader who's been learning AT for the past 8 months (with no previous dance experience), I just wanted to say that this post is easily the most useful piece of advice I've read in these forums. I'm not sure what the 10+ pages of arguing that followed it is all about, since the idea seems simple enough. But it's one I'm definitely going to try to take to heart.

YAY!!!!!

:kissme:

:friend:

 

[DL]

If we agree that it's important to show concern for a partner's comfort, then wouldn't investing in our physical skills aimed at facilitating his or her physical comfort be an important way of showing that caring?

Compared to the alternative of not caring if one is physically stressing a partner?

I think the point here is this:

Nobody, having been part of the dance community for "a while", gets to say, "Dances are places I go where lots of people who have worked hard to develop specialized skills are there to show me a good time. How fun for me!"


No?

 

[Chris Stratton]

I think the confusion lies in this question:

How are you measuring the amount of effort another person is putting into improving their skills if not by result (ability)?

Inexperienced caring feels different than experienced I-don't-give-a-@#$%&-iveness

And, what if all the effort in the world isn't resulting in much improvement?

Its probably misdirected, for example into things that might be popularly associated with a type of dancing but aren't to the benefit of the people one dances with.

 

[ant]

If we agree that it's important to show concern for a partner's comfort, then wouldn't investing in our physical skills aimed at facilitating his or her physical comfort be an important way of showing that caring?

Compared to the alternative of not caring if one is physically stressing a partner?

versus

Originally posted by Chris Sratton
I think you still thought my standard had something to do with ability, even though I repeatedly said it didn't.

Skill does not equate to comfort. A good caring attitude by both partners does, which is what most of the AT followers have been saying.

I think we should leave it here because it may have something to do with our individual aims. It appears to me that the aims of many ballroom dancers, which I understand is your preferred dance, is to achieve medals and succeed in competitions. Don't take that the wrong way, if that is your aim that is fine and along with that will go investment in the required skills for those aims. I have no interest in medals or competitions but just to enjoy for its own sake my AT dancing with what ever that takes with each individudal partner. I think that requires an investment in different skills. Not neccessarily better but different.

 

[Chris Stratton]

Skill does not equate to comfort.

It does not equal it, but comfort without skill is impossible. But keep in mind that skill is more about judgement than strength. And more importantly accepting some temporary discomfort in order to let someone develop towards your (and other's) future comfort can be a good bargain.

A good caring attitude by both partners does, which is what most of the AT followers have been saying.

Another example of skill.

It appears to me that the aims of many ballroom dancers, which I understand is your preferred dance, is to achieve medals and succeed in competitions.

I think you should read what has been written, which has a very strong and consistent focus on the partner rather than assume things that have not been mentioned at all.