What is tango doing wrong: #1 - tandas

[Bailango]

I am repeatedly told to be more social, to dance with more followers — when doing all that drains my very limited store of socialising energy. I can't even enjoy my own space and time without getting yet another guilt trip from organisers and staring followers. And on top of all that, I recently overheard that I am not a benefit to the community.

You need to move to my home scene. You will feel like you are invisible

 

[pianistamediano]

but should have smiled and given some signal for ‘later, yes, just not right now’ like I might have done with partners I already know.

Best way to decline a dance with leaders you want to dance with later on, in my opinion!

 

[pianistamediano]

Since extroverts are loud they get noticed and a few extroverts can drown out over a dozen introverts.

Club dancing, partying, etc is where introverts will start plotting an escape as soon as they can.

Which is why they're trying to turn milongas and tango events into nightclubs and loud, obnoxious parties.

Maybe a touch of burning at the stake is in order...

 

[TTanguero]

should have smiled and given some signal for ‘later, yes, just not right now’ like I might have done with partners I already know.

Totally. I find a smile and tapping my watch (whether or not wearing one ...) is universally understood.

 

[Bailango]

Personally, I have a slightly different take on this. I don't see myself as playing different roles in different contexts, rather expressing different aspects of myself.

The presentation example is a good one. I'm an introvert, but for more than a decade was a qualitative researcher. So a significant chunk of my job was presentations (pitches, and presentations of findings), and an even bigger chunk was moderating focus groups of 8-10 people with, typically, at least half as many people viewing from behind the one-way mirror. I also frequently spoke at conferences to, typically, audiences of a few hundred.

So that was a job in which I had to be 'on' or 'up' for significant chunks of time. The rest of the work, however, was as introverted as you can get: sitting in a room by myself analysing all the things we learned, and putting those presentations together.

Initially, I thought of the 'up' time as playing a role, and the 'down' time as being myself. But as time went on, I realised that both were me – they were just different aspects of me.

I fully agree. I was going to say the same. Playing a role to me sounds like being inauthentic. I don’t understand the context in which it is being used in these discussions. But I find myself in disagreement because in my mind “playing a role” automatically triggers equivalence with “inauthenticity”. Which is very different than saying a person is playing a role when doing certain things or tasks that demand it. That I don’t consider inauthentic.

I also don’t consider indulging in escapism as necessarily playing a role.

Playing a role to me is when you are presenting yourself as something you are not to hide what you really are. That presentation may be to yourself or to the others. It could be conscious or unconscious act.

 

[Bailango]

The latter – it's nothing personal, it's just the norm in London. The same women who don't respond at all will then tell me at the evening they were disappointed we didn't dance!

Yeah I heard that sometimes. I tell them I tried to cabaceo. Either they are busy, didn’t notice, or someone cut me by asking them verbally or from close quarters.

If it is general complaint, I will tell them how certain leaders were trying to cabaceo and they were unaware.

 

[opendoor]

...The same women who don't respond at all will then tell me at the evening they were disappointed we didn't dance!

In 2004 I found myself ready for the big tango world. I went to Berlin, which then was the tango capital before BsAs became a world heritage site in 2009. I visited ten milongas in four days. But the first one actually opened my eyes. I cabeceoed a girl, but she didn't react. Nobody knew the mirada-cabeceo ritual in Berlin. Later that night I verbally asked the follower in question again: Didn't you notice me blinking all the way two hours ago? Her answer: You have a mouth, why didn't you use it straight away?

 

[itwillhappen]

Then there’s the situation I was in this weekend, where I avoided any potential eye contact for a milonga: I was dancing in a different city and I ran into a couple of really good dancers I had danced with before. I started off with a dynamite milonga with one person I’m quite familiar with. My second tanda was with one of my top-5 partners ever. Both tandas were noticed and I was not lacking invitations the whole evening from one stranger after another (I had a very good time and did not need to work the mirada). At one point I was finally sitting out for a tanda and getting a chance to observe the room. I could tell 2-3 suitable guys were well positioned for the following tanda, as in, I had the impression they had positioned themselves strategically and I wanted to make myself available. I hadn’t kept track of the tandas and it turned out to be a milonga coming up. However, I have a principle of not accepting an invite for a milonga from someone I have not yet danced with, except if I have observed they happen to be really good at milonga. So I think I am making it clear that I’m not available for this milonga by looking down although I can feel I’m being looked at. But all 3 seemed to have interpreted it as a forever-no and gave me the impression they felt snubbed. The rest of the evening they avoided me. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked down but should have smiled and given some signal for ‘later, yes, just not right now’ like I might have done with partners I already know.

It’s not easy to get it right.

If there are three guys at the same time, I think you have little chance. If in doubt, I would expect that there is a kind of "reversal of activity". Followers can also position themselves and look a little more emphatic than usual.

At the last event, one follower shook her head and shrugged her shoulders when the milonga music was already playing. OK, I can interpret these signs, I would have tried to invite her again straight afterwards. But when I came off the dance floor after the tanda, she was already standing there ready to talk and dance.

Later on I made eye contact with another follower during the cortina and her lips spelled "m i l o n g a". OK, that didn't make sense, firstly I knew that myself and secondly she doesn't always spell "t a n g o" or "v a l s". So I went over: oh no, she really likes to dance milonga, she just wanted to save me from falling into a trap. Well, if she had no other worries...

 

[Miradamiranda]

If there are three guys at the same time, I think you have little chance. If in doubt, I would expect that there is a kind of "reversal of activity". Followers can also position themselves and look a little more emphatic than usual.

At the last event, one follower shook her head and shrugged her shoulders when the milonga music was already playing. OK, I can interpret these signs, I would have tried to invite her again straight afterwards. But when I came off the dance floor after the tanda, she was already standing there ready to talk and dance.

Later on I made eye contact with another follower during the cortina and her lips spelled "m i l o n g a". OK, that didn't make sense, firstly I knew that myself and secondly she doesn't always spell "t a n g o" or "v a l s". So I went over: oh no, she really likes to dance milonga, she just wanted to save me from falling into a trap. Well, if she had no other worries...

In my home scene my regulars would understand I’m declining just a milonga tanda. But in this case I had just danced an amazing milonga (or two, possibly) with an amazing milonga dancer who made me look like I knew what I was doing and that I enjoyed it. The others couldn’t know of my principle. Hey, I recall I even declined a milonga with you, @itwillhappen which you didn’t accept and somehow you convinced me anyhow. The very convincing ones tend to know what they are doing, so… But I’m talking in my previous post mostly about the delicacy of the misunderstandings.

 

[Rabbit]

The latter – it's nothing personal, it's just the norm in London. The same women who don't respond at all will then tell me at the evening they were disappointed we didn't dance!

So I think I am making it clear that I’m not available for this milonga by looking down although I can feel I’m being looked at.

And still we insist on mirada-cabeceo despite all the miscommunications between experienced dancers but I suppose that's another thread.

 

[Bailango]

In 2004 I found myself ready for the big tango world. I went to Berlin, which then was the tango capital before BsAs became a world heritage site in 2009. I visited ten milongas in four days. But the first one actually opened my eyes. I cabeceoed a girl, but she didn't react. Nobody knew the mirada-cabeceo ritual in Berlin. Later that night I verbally asked the follower in question again: Didn't you notice me blinking all the way two hours ago? Her answer: You have a mouth, why didn't you use it straight away?

But why were you cabaceoing since you said no one was using it back when you started dancing

 

[Bailango]

Later on I made eye contact with another follower during the cortina and her lips spelled "m i l o n g a". OK, that didn't make sense,

Huh…makes total sense to me. She wanted to dance a milonga tanda if you asked during a non-milonga tanda or she wanted to seat it out if you asked during the milonga tanda.

 

[Bailango]

And still we insist on mirada-cabeceo despite all the miscommunications between experienced dancers but I suppose that's another thread.

I really didn’t want to interject into the details for every situation. But miscommunications can be avoided with a bit more clarity.

If a follower gestures she is taking a break then not only the leader who is asking but mostly all other leaders will know it. If follower moves to a non-active area of floor there is some assumptions of taking a break. If I don’t want to dance that tanda with a follower I might verbally ask if she is taking a break. She knows I am not asking her to dance if I asked. I think I will usually do that during 2nd through 4th song. Or I might go seat nearby and then ask. Clear signal that I won’t ask her for dance and am just making a friendly conversation. I could be visiting and not know a soul.

Once I was in Berlin and I did a long distance cabaceo. She shook her head. There was something about head shake or something else she might have gestured that said she was not dancing right now (so not saying no to me). I can only remember the headshake and intuitively understood she was taking a break from dancing. May be because where she was seated and the way she was seated.

Another time a few months back a tango newbie wanted me to ask her. She must have watched me dance. She was half a way across the room and across the ronda where line of sight was’t easy. I could tell and therefore did mirada-cabaceo. Perfect.

If follower is looking at me a bit confused after a mirada but not looking away, usually there is someone behind me or next to me also doing a mirada. That leads to some sort of quick unspoken or spoken negotiation. Same if it is other way round. I will usually say to the other follower than I will ask her for the next tanda and I will.

If follower is not sure since she is seating between other followers, she will usually gesture towards herself on whether I am asking her.

I could go on and on about all tricky situations and things working out. They do if both sides are into cabaceo and if confusion occurs have presence of mind to clear it. There are occassions where follower may come later and clarify that she wasn’t avoiding me or she had said no to someone earlier for that tanda therefore couldn’t say yes to me. As long as you are not putting other person on the spot, which is apparently the goal of cabaceo, its fine to preempt misunderstandings.

If there are multiple leaders positioning to dance with a follower and she avoiding being asked, I take it as a signal that she is taking a break or waiting for someone specific to dance with. But if that keeps repeating and/or I see her dancing with only certain leaders then I won’t bother asking her.

 

[Naddrin Kentlar]

And still we insist on mirada-cabeceo despite all the miscommunications between experienced dancers but I suppose that's another thread.

I suppose that for some people (myself included) this is acceptable.

- if someone wants to dance with me they will make themselves available for cabeceo. Only exception to this would be with someone I see as a really new dancer.

Sure, there are some missed tandas, but then again, I don't really care to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with me on that moment. Not dancing at all with someone is preferable to having to spend four songs with someone distracted or uninterested.

 

[opendoor]

But why were you cabaceoing since you said no one was using it back when you started dancing

I wanted to do everything right, so I cabeceod the ladies. But I quickly switched to walkaceo as the cabeceo didn't work.