Why some women are not asked to dance

[Tango Newbie]

My post will generalize from "intimacy" to "touch."

In my early Tango journey, I was doing a frenzy of research -- posts here on DF, psychology stuff, and more. Something that struck me was reading posts that said "Dance is the only human touch I get in a week." My brain was pretty full with my own worries at that time, but reading those posts drained out a bit of my inward focus and let in a little outward thinking. My human touch needs were being met, but I hadn't really thought about those who live alone, and their professional lives have, well, professional distance. It was a step in my journey to realize touch was an important gift I could give to others, and at least intellectually I realized it was not a big deal to give. (BTW, I have come a long ways since then.)

A 2nd aspect was learning that some people don't like eye contact, or talking, but crave human touch. Tango provides a good and even healing opportunity for them.

I'm right there with you. I read, and read, and read all I could until my brain went on overload, and it was too much to sort out. Plus you and I have talked about this on a couple occasions, so I'm always glad to hear your perspective on things, since although you've been at this longer than me, it's refreshing to see your metamorphosis that I'm going through. And yes, tango is an outlet for those folks you mention (and my GF was someone who craved 'human touch' due to her own profession as a doctor).

 

[itwillhappen]

Before we danced our first tanda, we met a follower we both know who I have danced with who brought a friend, who's a beginner at our studio (but hasn't been to any milongas). Right then, my GF actually said to me; "...you'll have to dance with both Maryann and her friend..." Of course I agreed, so, right out of the chute I had two followers lined up even before the first tanda with my GF.

No, I hope you don't have to dance with both. Whatever you do, beneficial in the long run - also for the community - is only a behavior that you can persevere with. Keep in mind, the followers are not satisfied when you dance with them, but when you do it again and again.
I have an acquaintance who used to dance every tanda with erveryone, without much feeling, without rhyme or reason. Nowadays, if he comes, then he usually comes to the edge of the milongas without dancing shoes to talk a bit. I've always been pretty picky, but I still dance my part.

 

[Tango Newbie]

No, I hope you don't have to dance with both. Whatever you do, beneficial in the long run - also for the community - is only a behavior that you can persevere with. Keep in mind, the followers are not satisfied when you dance with them, but when you do it again and again.

After the first two tandas with my GF, I actually didn't have to dance with the other two ladies, I wanted to dance with them, especially since they didn't come with a partner. One was a lady I dance with regularly (who's married but her husband never comes), so I danced with her first, then danced with her friend. During my tanda with the friend I found out she was a 'beginner' in our studio, but hasn't been to any formal milongas.

Since the ratio of followers exceeded leaders by quite a bit, it was the right thing to do, especially to help bring that new follower into-the-fold of our community. In fact, I mentioned if she (the beginner) comes to any practalongas and milongas, I'd like to dance again. This way she feels welcomed and can count on me for future tandas. I dance with other more experienced lady regularly, and will continue to do so.

That said, both of those followers were not only appreciative because of the over-abundance of other followers competing for shortage of leaders at the Tango Marathon this past weekend, but the tandas were actually quite enjoyable. What surprised me was how good the beginner was for just being in tango for about a couple of months.

 

[itwillhappen]

Since the ratio of followers exceeded leaders by quite a bit, it was the right thing to do, especially to help bring that new follower into-the-fold of our community. In fact, I mentioned if she (the beginner) comes to any practalongas and milongas, I'd like to dance again. This way she feels welcomed and can count on me for future tandas. I dance with other more experienced lady regularly, and will continue to do so.

Do what you like, but there is no "right" or "wrong". At a ratio of 3:2, for every dancer you actively support, another dancer will finally stop coming to the milonga. As a DJ, I once kept a constant eye on the door. There are certainly women, or possibly men, who look briefly into the room and then go straight away home.

 

[ardix]

I am a follower. Not young, not slim, not extremely fit, not doted with impressive upper body attributes and definitely not excelling at my following. I do a bit of traveling in my work, which means I get to join different local milongas. I also take part in various tango events. Sometimes I dance a lot and I could literally dance every tanda if I wanted, some other times not so much. The thing those few times with not so much dancing had in common was my mood, my own energy level. I am not super-socializing or anything, but at times I couldn't just "plug-in". So for me is very much the "vibes" I am sending out. And I have recently done just that: went to a milonga, had a look at the ronda, realizing I would not be able to engage and left. I didnt't even put my shoes on. And I was perfectly fine with that. So my point is: the responsibility is mixed and quite a lot resides within ourselves.

 

[opendoor]

...didnt't even put my shoes on..

I experience this more and more often. And it doesn't have to be because of the milonga, the visitors, or the music. Sometimes you don't fit in with what you set out to do. It's important to notice this quickly, otherwise you'll torment yourself through the evening.
(By the way, my like-button does not refer to not young, sim, fit, impressive)

 

[Tango Newbie]

So for me is very much the "vibes" I am sending out. And I have recently done just that: went to a milonga, had a look at the ronda, realizing I would not be able to engage and left. I didnt't even put my shoes on. And I was perfectly fine with that. So my point is: the responsibility is mixed and quite a lot resides within ourselves.

Being a 'newbie' I haven't gotten to that point of walking in, assessing the scene, and leaving. Plus, it helps immensely to have an experienced dance partner who's my life partner (girlfriend). So, we really don't have to put-up with any "vibes" from others, and if there are any 'negative vibes' out there neither of us pays attention to them. Besides, if we get any "vibes" from others, we have each other to dance with, and can do so the entire milonga if need be.

Going into any milongas with an open mind has been my goal, whereas my GF sometimes has other things she's thinking about, namely who the host is, who else is going to be there, and whether she'll dance with others.

What I'm seeing from her is she seems to have certain leaders who never ask her, so maybe there's a "vibe" that she's projecting, or what seems to be the case, she intimidates them. We've also speculated that some leaders are reluctant to ask followers who arrive at a milonga with a partner, and they pick those PYT's and partnerless followers.

Then there are those leaders who ask her that she's not as interested in dancing with due to many reasons (hygiene, poor dancing skills, mushy-feel, etc.), but does so as a courtesy since she has known them a long time. Accepting requests from those leaders comes from years of 'taking-what-she-can-get' after sitting during milongas when she wanted to dance, and her 'accommodating' demeanor.

 

[Tangogal]

What I'm seeing from her is she seems to have certain leaders who never ask her, so maybe there's a "vibe" that she's projecting, or what seems to be the case, she intimidates them. We've also speculated that some leaders are reluctant to ask followers who arrive at a milonga with a partner, and they pick those PYT's and partnerless followers.

There is no vibe, they are not intimidated (see earlier where the leaders think they are God’s gift). They just don’t want to dance with her. They choose younger, pretty, single followers.

I know several skilled leaders that spend more than half their dance time with beginners. They think their motive is “encouragement” but their true motive is showing off. Intermediate and advanced dancers are more likely to leave (and eventually quit) if they’re not dancing. The leader’s time would be better spent dancing 3/4 tandas with other skilled dancers.

 

[LadyLeader]

There is no vibe, they are not intimidated (see earlier where the leaders think they are God’s gift). They just don’t want to dance with her. They choose younger, pretty, single followers.

I know several skilled leaders that spend more than half their dance time with beginners. They think their motive is “encouragement” but their true motive is showing off. Intermediate and advanced dancers are more likely to leave (and eventually quit) if they’re not dancing. The leader’s time would be better spent dancing 3/4 tandas with other skilled dancers.

I feel seriously upset about these your statements, or did my sense of humor fail me to understand your jokes?

 

[Rabbit]

I feel seriously upset about these your statements, or did my sense of humor fail me to understand your jokes?

I think it is the normal complaint about older men that dance exclusively with younger women (does anyone actually like these guys?) - so probably not directed at you

 

[Tangogal]

I feel seriously upset about these your statements, or did my sense of humor fail me to understand your jokes?

No I was serious. If a leader never dances with a skilled 60ish follower then it’s because they don’t want to.

Skilled leaders who dance excessively below their level ie 50% or more of all tandas are not being welcoming or encouraging. They are showing off how great they are and/or teaching on the floor. A skilled follower who doesn’t get asked to dance much will quit and go where they’re appreciated.

It’s a waste of time wondering or worrying why X doesn’t ask you to dance. They would if they wanted to dance with you.

 

[SierraAlpha]

older men that dance exclusively with younger women (does anyone actually like these guys?)

I suspect that the young women that dance with them like those guys.

Skilled leaders who dance excessively below their level ie 50% or more of all tandas are not being welcoming or encouraging. They are showing off how great they are and/or teaching on the floor.

They might simply dance for enjoyment but appreciate other things in a dance partner than skill level. Or their judgement of skill level might differ from your judgement.

It’s a waste of time wondering or worrying why X doesn’t ask you to dance. They would if they wanted to dance with you.

I wholeheartedly agree with this!

 

[Brummbaer]

It’s a waste of time wondering or worrying why X doesn’t ask you to dance. They would if they wanted to dance with you.

Sort of agree, although it might be more profitable to consider what actually encourages someone to be invited for a dance. For male leaders I don't think for all it's the sweet little thing in the skimpy outfit, although it is for some.

Skilled leaders who dance excessively below their level ie 50% or more of all tandas are not being welcoming or encouraging. They are showing off how great they are and/or teaching on the floor.

As a generality, maybe, although there are the teachers who do work progressively through attendees at a milonga.

 

[Brummbaer]

I suspect that the young women that dance with them like those guys.

That's amusing. Understanding women is certainly a skill beyond tango.

 

[ArbeeNYC]

There is no vibe, they are not intimidated (see earlier where the leaders think they are God’s gift). They just don’t want to dance with her. They choose younger, pretty, single followers.

I know several skilled leaders that spend more than half their dance time with beginners. They think their motive is “encouragement” but their true motive is showing off. Intermediate and advanced dancers are more likely to leave (and eventually quit) if they’re not dancing. The leader’s time would be better spent dancing 3/4 tandas with other skilled dancers.

It's also not very enjoyable to dance with a beginner. It's okay to do it once in a while for the sake of encouragement, but if you're not an instructor/teacher/whatever fishing for students, it's not always time well spent.