Cabeceo and Other "Rules"

[Rabbit]

(Another aspect of this change was that only certain pieces of music were played and DJs began talking about danceable and un-danceable music.)

Don't get me started on the poor standard of tango DJs.

 

[JournalInTime]

Another aspect of this change was that only certain pieces of music were played and DJs began talking about danceable and un-danceable music.

Don't get me started on the poor standard of tango DJs.

I certainly find arbitrary standards of "danceability" tiresome. There's a foul kernel of tango DJs who interpret "danceable" as "simplemindedly rhythmic for the least-common-denominator dancer." We have a few of them around here . . . they react to tempo changes, riffing, freeform melodies without clear time signatures, etc. much as cinematic vampires respond to crucifixes and holy water.

I'm thankful for the few DJs who understand that you can dance to anything, including the jazziest stuff from the late 1940s on. I'm especially happy with the one Turkish DJ who plays tunes intended for tango dancers but written in 5/8, 7/8, 9/8, 7/4, or 5/4 time; I have no idea where he finds that stuff.

 

[Bailango]

Being former military, and currently a 'professional' (high school) baseball umpire, I learn the 'rules' for anything I do, and knew there are rules and etiquette in tango that I needed to learn and understand. So back when I embarked on learning tango, I studied the rules and etiquette before my first beginner lesson. It is up to couple to decide how and when they will dance. Many couples have a protocol about when they will dance with each other. It is mostly first, last, and favorite song (or Vals tanda or milonga). Sometimes they will check with each other when they want to break the protocol and dance with someone else.

I have done my research to understand those rules and the etiquette so not to over-step any of boundaries or make a fool of myself. What I'm finding is, the rules for cabeceo seem to be a little 'relaxed' and don't appear to be as strict as they are in BA or other tango communities and it seems there's a mix of cabeceo and outright 'asking' someone verbally to dance.

One of the other 'unwritten rules' I saw was about arriving at the milonga and how the first and last tanda are (generally) reserved for couples, which I believe are good, but something my very experienced GF didn't seem to know about, along with a few regarding the cabeceo, which I found quite odd.

We attended a milonga a couple months ago and my GF danced the last tanda (before we left) with an old friend who she has known for many years. It wasn't an issue for me because I have befriended this leader, but I casually mentioned that I thought the 'first and last tanda' were reserved for couples, and she said she never heard of that rule.

Then we attended a 'special milonga' the end of last month (with 'live' music) at a studio that's not our 'home' and the host, who's also another old friend of my GF, came by before she and I danced our first tanda and he actually asked permission from me to dance with my GF. To be cordial to this host, I said 'okay' (but with a smile told him I understood the 'first and last tanda' rule, since he clearly indicated in his invitations that codigo's will be enforced). Again, later I mentioned this to my GF and she said she never heard of that before.

This past New Years weekend was a pretty big tango festivilito hosted by our local (home) studio here in San Diego (as it is every year). Friday (NYE) was a big milonga that we didn't attend due to limited space because it wasn't held at the usual venue (local hotel), but Saturday and Sunday we attended an intermediate/adv class, followed by a milonga. After the class on Saturday (New Years Day), we went upstairs to the studio, which already had a lot of dancers, and we had to find a place to sit and put our stuff. Since it was crowded, I told my GF I'd run out to my car (which was parked right outside the back door to the studio) and lock the things we didn't need inside. It was a quick trip, but I ran into our host and proceeded to 'pay' her for the weekend of tango (lessons and milonga) for me and my GF, which only took a about 5 or so minutes.

When I walked back into the studio, my GF was already out on the dance floor dancing with some (unknown) out-of-town leader. She finished the tanda, and when she returned to where we were seated, I mentioned the 'first and last tanda' thing again, and she said it took me too long, and that she already turned down 2 other requests (before finally saying 'yes').

Apparently, this leader actually sat down next to her while I was gone, was talking to another lady to his right, then turned to my GF sitting on his left and verbally asked her to dance, which she felt obligated to do since she didn't want to come off as a tango snob. I told her that for him to corner her, and verbally 'ask' was something he shouldn't be doing. I also mentioned that she should have told him (and the others) that she was waiting for me.

So, a couple things of note; First, I'm still unclear about this 'first and last tanda' rule, which I believe should be in place, and if so well understood by my GF, and whether it's genuine. And secondly, that she made a big error on the use (or failure to use) the cabeceo by that rude leader.

As for the first 'rule', she and I had a discussed it, and she passed it off (again). Her reaction was, that she'd be 'okay' if things were turned around (me dancing a first tanda with another follower before dancing with her), something I'm going to want clarified with her going forward.

My gut tells me this was her just being defensive or making excuses, and really wouldn't want me dancing first and last with another follower. I also said I didn't think I had to be on-my-guard when we walk into a milonga to 'keep the hounds at bay' until we danced (broken the ice). Her response was for "us to communicate" (in the future). And my response was; I didn't think I had to communicate that to her, and I wouldn't do those things to her, and briefly told her she did a disservice to the two she turned down before dancing with that leader.

As for the second issue about turning down two other leaders, then accepting one from that other leader, from what I've read, out of respect to the guys she turned down, she should have been 'out-of-commission' for the rest of the tanda. I always encourage my GF to dance with others in milongas (after we danced first), but dancing the first tanda of 2022 with a stranger was disappointing, disrespectful, and I told her so.

Am I correct on any of this or am I being unreasonable?

There are no hard and fast rules. Most people will give couple a space by not asking them to dance the last (and the first) tanda. Unless one of them is seating and other is on the dance floor. Most couples have a agreed protocol on when they will dance. Most follow the first, last, and favorite tanda (or a Vals or a milonga). If they want to depart from the protocol anytime they will quickly check with each other.

In California you will have a mix luck with cabaceo. It is irritating. Some followers try to adhere to it and some don’t. That makes it difficult to know who follows the codigas and who doesn’t. Many women have mentioned they feel uncomfortable with the cabaceo and rather be asked. Some men will indulge in asking and not get corrected for that behavior. It is unfortunate when half the dancers expect only to be cabaceo’d and other half is okay being asked.

Per dance etiquettes in any social dance it is consider rude or disrespectful to give an excuse not to dance when asked but go ahead and dance the same song/tanda when another person asks. There are always arguments for and against it in dance communities. Some dancers adhere by it and some don’t. One camp takes a position that no one owes anyone a dance at any time and the other camp consider etiquettes to be a lubricant that drive the social aspect of dancing. Some men are not bothered at all and will ask the follower again. Other men will assume that the follower is rejecting them in particular and will blacklist her forever. Some men will decide not to ask the follower ever again, until she asks first. Some women will sit out the the song/tanda if they have said no. Some won’t. And some will seek out the person they said no to, for a dance later.

 

[Tango Distance]

• I'm not saying what I do is best for you or others.
• First and last dance is something I do with my dear wife (DW). This is actually an idea from a member of DF: We do the 1st three tandas together, and the last 2 or 3. Since live music is such a rare and wonderful treat in Tango, I claim her for live music (and we'll usually lessen the 1st and last number of tandas, then). You have my sympathy and I get wanting to dance with one's significant other.
• That I have seen, most couples in my area don't seem to seem to care if they start or finish with each other. I have heard of doing this, but it doesn't seem to be a "rule."
• My DW has graciously agreed to do this, though her preference would be to do just one tanda at each end. I tell her "I'm different from you."
• I try to enter with my DW, and to get right to dancing with her. This avoids her having to tell other leaders no. I also think it is part of the fun to make a bit of a grand entrance.
• My experience is the codigos are generally not taught. My guess is people want to move their feet in class, not listen to a monologue.
• I think it is really good to be aware of the codigos, but not worry about their enforcement. It's good to know that lady staring at you is asking to dance, but enforcing cabeceo is not worth social rough moments. Having said that, you can promote codigos -- when you are a little more grounded in your community, explain cabeceo to newcomers, for example. You can also promote the culture you'd like -- for example doing the first and last dance with your SO and slipping that into conversation when it naturally fits.
• There are competing etiquettes. I have heard that a traditional tango setup is to have couples sit together and generally not switch partners -- it seems Argentina diverged from Europe and the U.S. this way. I have read snippets of old U.S. etiquette books where it said it was impolite for a man to only dance with his wife, and he should share the wealth and dance with other ladies, too.
• As a practical matter, many think it wise for ladies to avoid saying no (my very popular DW among them). With the shortage of men, you risk that man "respects your wishes" and doesn't ask again.
• Your GF had a bit of a dilemma -- she wanted to start with you, but didn't want to be saying a bunch of nos.
• Dancing with other men I'm sure is not a big a deal in her mind.
• I feel in your mind you have made Tango into more than it is. I know I did (although my concerns were different, I talk a lot about this in my thread https://www.dance-forums.com/threads/not-touchy-feely.45840/ ). If you danced with 20 ladies for 10 milongas in a row, I think you'd "join the club" of people like the posters here and at milongas for whom it is not a big deal. I think you are walking into the ocean too slowly and need to just jump in.

 

[David_In_CA]

Per dance etiquettes in any social dance it is consider rude or disrespectful to give an excuse not to dance when asked but go ahead and dance the same song/tanda when another person asks.

IMO, it is rude if you give an excuse and then dance in a way that shows you lied with your excuse. But it's not rude if you just decline, or decline with an excuse that still leaves open the possibility of dancing (e.g., "sorry, I promised I'd try to find my friend for this dance").

This is just an extension of a more general idea that it's rude to lie blatantly.

 

[opendoor]

..consider rude or disrespectful to give an excuse ...but go ahead and dance the same song..

I would exactly claim that for myself. But I also explain why I decline: you would push me off the axis and that hurts, or in the case of voluminous followers, it would tense my neck and shoulders. I will no longer be able to feel my fingertips tomorrow. These women get annoyed, of course, but anger is better than to live a life in ignorance.

 

[opendoor]

..what rules ..Cabeceo? ..Ronda..

It is difficult to make general statements about this. I learned to dance in Hamburg. My first destination was Berlin (the city with the world's second largest tango scene at that time). Then I danced in Spain, France, Italy, Baltic states. The cabeceo was never used, and in many cases it was not understood. The LOD was everywhere, but no imaginery lanes on the dance floor. We could pull out and overtake, and also dance wide figures. Unlike today, I remember no bloody injuries, although everyone led high boleos back then. The dance floor was more crowded but the floorcraft better, although no signs with the codigos were put up.
The codigos were first claimed by the Argentinians. Not because they brought them with them from their homeland (most argentinians learned tango abroad), no, just to bring the tango back under national control. I know so many conservative minded Argentinians who claim to have cut their teeth into tango but actually had learned this dance in Europe. However, no one could remember it in public. Even the Argentine vice-consul could not.

 

[JournalInTime]

• I'm not saying what I do is best for you or others.

I think most of us agree on that! We're just flinging advice out there.

• My experience is the codigos are generally not taught. My guess is people want to move their feet in class, not listen to a monologue.

A thousand times yes! I've been in the classes with history lessons and etiquette lessons. They were the classes people disliked and left. Like it or hate it, ordinary people just want to learn "moves."

• I think it is really good to be aware of the codigos, but not worry about their enforcement.

The only one that really, truly matters is "avoid collisions on the dance floor." That has nothing to do with tradition and everything to do with safety. And it can be taught without dry lessons . . . Just require all in-class practice to stick to the line of dance and maintain a safe distance. Do this incidentally to teaching the lesson of the day; don't let students bunch up and go wherever.

• There are competing etiquettes.

Yep, and some were invented in places other than Argentina . . . In fact, a teacher I know claims to have traced much of the "Argentine" etiquette to San Francisco (!).

• Dancing with other men I'm sure is not a big a deal in her mind.

At least among my gang, dancing with people other than one's life partner isn't even worth talking about. Tango is the dance of partner changes. When there's any talk at all, it's bragging about how many tandas and how many different partners.

 

[JournalInTime]

It is difficult to make general statements about this.

Yep. To offer another example, I started tango much later than you did (nine years ago almost to the day). I studied in Montréal. Critics, please note that there were exceptions to all of the next paragraph, but:

Almost all of my teachers started tango when "tango nuevo" was ascendant. Approximately half of them started their professional dance careers in ballet . . . which isn't surprising for dancers in a francophone city, if you know anything about the French dance tradition. Most performed in tango shows at some point, and included tango escenario movements in their lessons without distinguishing them from social dance.

So, I was taught tango by people who used French terms, often those invented for ballet – not Spanish ones specific to tango. I was taught movement mechanics that were balletic in nature, depended heavily on a smooth floor that permitted easy pivoting (the idea of crossing steps rather than pivoting ones hit me my surprise in a private lesson), and often involved high leg placement. I was taught by people whose best tango memories consisted of chaotic events in private lofts and/or shows on stage.

My current obsession with floorcraft did not come from my teachers. It came from me. I got sick of being cut off and hit, and started analyzing whose fault it was. It wasn't my fault very often. Consequently, I hunted for a teacher who was excellent at floorcraft and learned "tango self-defense." But that was me, not our local norm.

The codigos were first claimed by the Argentinians. Not because they brought them with them from their homeland (most argentinians learned tango abroad), no, just to bring the tango back under national control. I know so many conservative minded Argentinians who claim to have cut their teeth into tango but actually had learned this dance in Europe. However, no one could remember it in public. Even the Argentine vice-consul could not.

We have a few of those people here, too. They make a big deal of using strictly Spanish terms that they claim are traditional for tango, teaching tango history during classes, encouraging all tango students to learn Spanish and travel to Buenos Aires, playing only época de oro music, and claiming that everything they don't like violates the códigos. To paraphrase one – no, two – Argentine women I know well (and dance with), these people are "more Argentine than Argentines," and their milongas don't resemble the actual dance parties those women remember from home. Those people are trying to stuff a genie back in a lamp.

So, when I opine about tango here, I'm implicitly inclusive of tango nuevo and tango escenario, supportive of blending balletic and other movements into tango, favorable toward post-época de oro music (notably that of the 1950s and 1960s), and indifferent to supposedly "traditional" terms and movements. The only code that matters to me is "do no harm on the dance floor," and that refers to physical harm . . . I don't believe that ordinary social dancers are capable of "cultural harm," and don't really believe in "aesthetic harm" at all. When average dancers complain about cultural or aesthetic harm, I roll my eyes and think "Heh, another one who's more Argentine than Argentines!"

 

[Brummbaer]

Yep, and some were invented in places other than Argentina

I suppose when AT came to Europe in the early 20th century then it acquired some 'ballroom codigos' for the society and period.

Visitors to Argentina in the later 20th century, and early 21st certainly brought back their view, replacing the film stereotypes. A plethora of books, presentations and websites, like Tango&Chaos here and here. And, of course, dance studio websites sometimes publish their interpretation of what's relevant, like here.

But the codigos evolve to what's relevant in the local culture at the time, and I can certainly believe that some can be traced to SF. If they're not published and not taught, then you can't expect people to know them. But if there's something useful which works well in certain circumstances, then use it, but don't be offended if others don't know the rules of the game because they've not been informed.

Those are my codigos. If you don't like them... well, I have others.

 

[opendoor]

..suppose when AT came to Europe.. it acquired some 'ballroom codigos'..

I think it is the other way round. Already in BsAs the tango acquired some BR codigos. They didn't make a sharp distinction between BR and tango. In BR dance schools (for the upper classes) AT simply replaced the English tango, the rest remained. There also was a smooth gradient between Boston and Vals porteño. Simply watch how Carril danced Desde el Alma. Codigos don't come out of nowhere. In my hometown, all teenagers took a dance course in BR at an associated studio while they were still at school. Ètiquette was taught there. My parents didn't know because they were teenagers in WW2. But their younger siblings already learned them in the post-war period. I can no longer find the link, but I reported here about my dance school experiences as a fifteen year old. The teacher had boys and girls set up opposite each other (there was something like that in BsAs in the GA), then the boys had to ask. But boys and girls already met halfway! They had found each other by cabeceoing. I always came away empty-handed until I found out myself.

 

[Brummbaer]

I think it is the other way round.

Yes. I was thinking about AT in Europe taking on some of the aspects of ballroom etiquette as it was adapted/adopted in Europe. Of course there would have been codigos in Argentina appropriate to life there, and doubtless some taken to Argentina by immigrants from Europe.

I can no longer find the link, but I reported here about my dance school experiences as a fifteen year old. The teacher had boys and girls set up opposite each other

Yes, I remember that. I've some knowledge of schooling in Germany. My own, in the 1960's, wasn't as comprehensive, however I do have some recollection of girls from their school being brought in for some attempt at simple dance lessons. It didn't work well, or continue.

 

[Gssh]

The cabeceo was never used, and in many cases it was not understood. The LOD was everywhere, but no imaginery lanes on the dance floor.

From what i know/remeber of the early codigos here cabeceo was the norm, but the imaginary lanes on the dancefloor were not really a thing here either. The most traditional milonga here is an argentine expat affair that has been going on since at least the sixties, and while it of course got probably influenced by the different waves of tango fashion it remained very much an argentine thing - being in BA was more familiar than i had expected based on listening/reading other peoples reactions when going there for the first time.

I think the "lane" thing is a great example for a lot of the etiquette/codigo discussions that we have. The basic idea is to have everybody moving down the LOD. For the vast majority of people nothing else needs to be said. But just like some people don't understand how to use a sidewalk, some people need a more explicit "technique" for floorcraft. So we get all kinds of different ways that things get explained - "but don't run into other people" "keep equal distance to other dancers in all direction" "keep to a lane and don't overtake". And any of these rules are really mostly nonsense - you can violate all of them (well, except the running into other people one) and still have great floorcraft - not obstruct anybody, not make it difficult for other people around you to dance their dance. But as basic touchstones they will probably serve most people well, and if somebody asks for advice how to navigate a dancefloor they help. And people who consistently don't follow any of these are quite unlikely to have good floorcraft.

 

[Tango Newbie]

So what I've been reading, codigos (and etiquette) are hit-and-miss in many cities and countries, which in my mind puts tango in the same light as dance clubs where just about anything goes.

 

[Tango Distance]

... Tango is the dance of partner changes. ...

I'm going to nitpick here a little nit from a sea of post awesomeness.

• Tandas mean you have 1/3 as many partners, even if you dance all night.
• A common thread here, and I have personally witnessed some of this, is selecting better dance partners and not dancing with newer/less skillful dancers is OK and commonly done in Tango. I don't see this in Swing, I don't think I have ever seen a lady sit all night without several dances. In defense of Tango, with tandas asking someone is a bigger commitment. Also, with the closeness of Tango you depend more on your partner's skill to dance well and even to not get hurt. Swing and other dance styles are much more tolerant of skill level mismatch.
• Tango is more introverted. If I go to a Contra dance, 5 to 10 people will introduce themselves and ask me to dance. If I go to a Blues dance, same thing. If I go to a Swing dance, same thing. I have seen this many times at Tango: A newcomer will visit, and not a soul will introduce themselves or ask them to dance. Once the TD asks and breaks the ice, that lady gets asked regularly after that. The one exception is young and beautiful college aged ladies, they get introductions and get asked immediately.
• I have read for traditional Tango it is 100% OK to dance only with one's significant other. I'm not aware of another partner social dance that has this heritage. Indeed, I have received mild reproof (secondhand via my DW, or even directly) for not switching partners enough (read my thread for my humble Tango beginnings).

I'm not necessarily calling for big change -- I think it is OK Tango is different. It doesn't need to be a clone of every other dance. I do think it would be nice, however, if every lead would do a "Charity Dance" at least once or twice a Milonga. That I have seen that would generally keep newbies and visitors dancing and not sitting out all night.