Having problems with my wife dancing with other men

[fiesta0618]

Without knowing more about you two, it's hard to know if anyone is to blame for the situation. I would suggest going to a marriage therapist...

Agree on therapy.

I would contend, though, that even though we have incomplete knowledge, we can say one thing with certainty: trying to stop your spouse from engaging in a recreational activity they enjoy is controlling behavior and not okay. Recall that the OP already vetoed wife's engaging in Kizomba & Bachata, and learning Tango was her compromise.

Essentially, it comes down to a judgment on whether partner dancing writ large, or AT/Kizomba/Bachata specifically, are tantamount to infidelity. I would be shocked to see any significant number of the dancers here agree that it is. And if it is not, then preventing a significant other from doing it is a serious red flag--and not only that, but quite likely to cause the marital problem that they are ostensibly trying to prevent.

 

[Bailango]

This could be a challenging situation. I definitely have met a significant number of women who were getting a divorce or who were not happy in their marriage and later got divorced on the dance floor.

You are making it sound like it is more prevalent in dancing. It is not. Troubled marriages spouses seeking an outlet in social activities is common. It is not that dancing sees higher percentage of above. The percentage is roughly the same if you replace dance floor with yoga, book club, or hiking.

You meet “significant number” probably because you spend “significant time” on the dance floor.

As been said countless times, this activity related angst is a symptom of a deeper relationship issues or troubles. Activity is not the cause.

 

[DanceMentor]

You are making it sound like it is more prevalent in dancing. It is not. Troubled marriages spouses seeking an outlet in social activities is common. It is not that dancing sees higher percentage of above. The percentage is roughly the same if you replace dance floor with yoga, book club, or hiking.

You meet “significant number” probably because you spend “significant time” on the dance floor.

As been said countless times, this activity related angst is a symptom of a deeper relationship issues or troubles. Activity is not the cause.

Yes, I agree. The activity is not the cause. But it could be symptomatic that someone engaging in dancing might be trying to get back out there again and seeking some sense of intimacy because they’re not getting it in their current relationship. And the dance floor can be a very safe place to try this.

 

[raindance]

A note to everyone replying in 2024 ...

Someone replied to this thread today and got it going again, but the OP from page 1 made that initial post in 2019 and hasn't logged into dance forums since 2021.

This is sort of a "classic" discussion topic for dance forums - this thread gathered 20 pages of comments and I am pretty sure there have been other similar threads through the years. If people feel like posting on this topic, go for it.

But if anyone here is replying in hopes of helping, advising, or influencing OP or their wife, I believe OP is long gone and the situation likely resolved one way or another years ago. This thread went on for over 10 pages after OPs last post, where they said the input wasn't really helpful and the OP summarized the state of things in 2021.

 

[DanceMentor]

A note to everyone replying in 2024 ...

Someone replied to this thread today and got it going again, but the OP from page 1 made that initial post in 2019 and hasn't logged into dance forums since 2021.

This is sort of a "classic" discussion topic for dance forums - this thread gathered 20 pages of comments and I am pretty sure there have been other similar threads through the years. If people feel like posting on this topic, go for it.

But if anyone here is replying in hopes of helping, advising, or influencing OP or their wife, I believe OP is long gone and the situation likely resolved one way or another years ago. This thread went on for over 10 pages after OPs last post, where they said the input wasn't really helpful and the OP summarized the state of things in 2021.

Yes, you are right. This is an old thread. I think in many cases, starting a new thread about the same topic, but maybe with a new spin can be good. Part of the issue is we get traffic to our site visiting old threads, but if we have newer "2024" threads, we are likely to get more engagement in the new threads. So I am always hoping people will start new threads

 

[pianistamediano]

Yes, you are right. This is an old thread. I think in many cases, starting a new thread about the same topic, but maybe with a new spin can be good. Part of the issue is we get traffic to our site visiting old threads, but if we have newer "2024" threads, we are likely to get more engagement in the new threads. So I am always hoping people will start new threads

I'll be sure to start a new thread when I get married (if ever)!

 

[itwillhappen]

I'll be sure to start a new thread when I get married (if ever)!

If you get the permission of your wife ... which may or may not be the case.

 

[pianistamediano]

If you get the permission of your wife ... which may or may not be the case.

I'm a bachelor, good sir!

 

[simplified]

On the off chance that OP should visit the forum again, Oscar Wilde provided the solution to his predicament a long time ago: "A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her"

 

[lucia_l]

On the off chance that OP should visit the forum again, Oscar Wilde provided the solution to his predicament a long time ago: "A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her"

Not loving a woman was perhaps easy for Oscar as he was gay!

 

[JournalInTime]

trying to stop your spouse from engaging in a recreational activity they enjoy is controlling behavior and not okay.

So much this!

Unless one's partner's downtime activity is dangerous or illegal – murder for thrills, recreational bomb-making, basement meth production for pin money, crashing cars into things for jollies, etc. – one puts up and shuts up. There's some minimal leeway for "immoral, in one's opinion," but as I wrote what feels like a million years ago: Getting into a committed relationship with someone without first learning their values, and either accepting those values or negotiating common ground with equal give and take on both sides of the table, is setting oneself up for failure. Revisiting the matter later on, when one should really know the other person (i.e., why the heck is it a surprise?), is closing the barn door after the horse has fled, joined a parade, and made its way to Mongolia.

Essentially, it comes down to a judgment on whether partner dancing writ large, or AT/Kizomba/Bachata specifically, are tantamount to infidelity. I would be shocked to see any significant number of the dancers here agree that it is.

I have met people who think that way. I can say with confidence that 100% of them were in a situation I'd characterize as: "My partner was interested in dance but I was not. When they did it without me, I felt left out, got jealous, and started trying to control them."

Whereas a solid 0% of them were in a situation I'd describe as: "My partner went off to dance without even trying to involve me. I felt sad that they didn't at least ask me to get involved, which made me worry about why they didn't at least ask."

The "My partner likes to dance and I didn't know that when we met or bother to find out in the years that followed, so how could we have discussed the matter?" situation is mythical. It's a well-gas-lit mind game played by controlling people in order to justify being controlling.

And if it is not, then preventing a significant other from doing it is a serious red flag--and not only that, but quite likely to cause the marital problem that they are ostensibly trying to prevent.

Partner dance can certainly shine a spotlight on existing cracks in a relationship . . . it happened to me. But it doesn't cause the cracks. As you wisely said, preventing a partner from dancing causes cracks. Whenever I hear, "My partner wants to dance with other people and it's hurting our relationship, so I want them to stop!", it comes through as, "Our relationship has issues, my partner's dancing is shining a light on them, and I'm too craven to look at those cracks and fix them, so I want them to quit dancing and stop shining that damned light!"

Saving a relationship by ignoring its problems isn't possible. It's just putting off the inevitable. Living in ignorance isn't a whole lot more admirable than being controlling, and too often, one leads to the other.

 

[lucia_l]

The "My partner likes to dance and I didn't know that when we met or bother to find out in the years that followed, so how could we have discussed the matter?" situation is mythical. It's a well-gas-lit mind game played by controlling people in order to justify being controlling.

Honestly, unless they met and eloped less than 4 weeks later, I suspect most the non-dancers knew their partner liked to dance at least a little. Did the two never go out? I mean... imagine dating someone for two weeks and not figuring out the at least liked football a little? And paid attention to it?

I had neighbors where the wife liked to dance a little-- even it if was that sort of wiggling on the dance floor. Her husband didn't. He knew she liked to dance before he married her. She knew he didn't like dancing; he liked to hunt. (The beat up pick up truck and the hunting dog were dead give aways.)

Partner dance can certainly shine a spotlight on existing cracks in a relationship . . . it happened to me. But it doesn't cause the cracks. As you wisely said, preventing a partner from dancing causes cracks. Whenever I hear, "My partner wants to dance with other people and it's hurting our relationship, so I want them to stop!", it comes through as, "Our relationship has issues, my partner's dancing is shining a light on them, and I'm too craven to look at those cracks and fix them, so I want them to quit dancing and shining that damned light!"

I tend to think the same thing. I know lots of long time married couples where the wife is much more interested in dancing than the husband. The husband presumably has his own interests-- which could very well be sitting on the couch and watching sports. Or it could be training for marathons. Both are time consuming-- one doesn't take you away from the house.

If the two people in a couple somehow can't deal with the fact that different people have different interests, and you can't be connected at the hip 24/7, that's a problem.

I did know a couple who was married a long time. They woman had taken up dancing-- her husband tried it a bit but didn't love it. Evidently he griped about the amount of time she spent. He couldn't understand it. On the other hand, he spent time with collectible cars and clubs with a bunch of other guys with collectible cars. He wanted her to come along. (My brothers- in-law are into cars. I've gone to some car things with the two of them and my husband. I can deal with this for short amounts of time. But mostly, I let the three of them go to the auto and boat show on their own. They are considerate people. All four of us think that's more fun than them lingering knowing I have limited interest and I know it's more fun for them to not have to worry I'm getting bored! )

I don't know what other issues they had. But both he and her had a right to some activities of their own. And if one party wants to dictate the other's hobby... not a good thing.

 

[JournalInTime]

Honestly, unless they met and eloped less than 4 weeks later, I suspect most the non-dancers knew their partner liked to dance at least a little. Did the two never go out? I mean... imagine dating someone for two weeks and not figuring out the at least liked football a little? And paid attention to it?

That's the bit that sounds alarms for me. What the heck was this couple doing:

• Not asking about the other person's interests? (Isn't that what you do on any first date?)
• Not paying attention to the other person's interests? (Ditto.)
• Actively hiding their interests, which is to say lying (if only by omission)?

Not talking, not listening, and lying aren't the firm foundations of a relationship . . . That it's not asking about, not listening to someone talk about, or lying about dance specifically is a minor detail not worth mentioning.

If the two people in a couple somehow can't deal with the fact that different people have different interests, and you can't be connected at the hip 24/7, that's a problem.

Yes. Morbidly codependent relationships are psychologically crushing and very unhealthy.

A healthy couple is 1 + 1 = 3: There's Person A, Person B, and Couple. Three worlds to explore for the price of two!

A pretend couple is 1 + 1 = 2: There's Person A and Person B, and they have no overlap. Could work for economic reasons, the same way roommates do, but isn't much of a relationship. Still, nobody lost or gave up anything.

An unhealthy couple is 1 + 1 = 1. There's only Couple. Personal identities are crushed out of existence, and sadness ensues. Typically Couple = Person A or Couple = Person B in reality; one person dominates the other, subordinates the other person's existence to their own, and justifies it with "We're a couple!" Yikes.

Evidently he griped about the amount of time she spent. He couldn't understand it.

Not being able to understand an interest isn't a crime . . . I don't understand hunting, football, collecting cars, or lots of other supposedly "male interests," nor do I understand shopping for fun, collecting (any kind), or dog shows. I just know that other people like this stuff.

When "I don't understand!" becomes "You shouldn't do it because I don't get it!", I start to worry. As I said before, that's a case of living in ignorance leading to controlling behavior.

 

[Brummbaer]

That's the bit that sounds alarms for me. What the heck was this couple doing

We're obviously way past the OP's situation. They'd been together 10 years!

Which brings the other aspect! People in a relationship develop other interests - like dance. My wife & I share many interests, but I don't expect her to have an interest in computer systems beyond using them, and I don't have much interest in sewing and clothes design beyond the technology. We bring different, but complementary, viewpoints to these.

So, at some point, one person develops an interest in dance. They've grown apart through life, work, kids, etc, etc. Kids leave, retirement, and there's time for other activities. Usual (traditional heterosexual) situation - male partner doesn't want to participate (lots of reasons given). Sometimes, of course, it's the male who gets interested in dance (think of a few movies!), and the partner who doesn't.

We've both enjoyed dancing for years. Great for me - I wake up with my dance partner. I don't see it is a problem if my wife went dancing on her own (heck, she doesn't take me on a sewing or design course). She goes away; I get sent to the milonga or some class on my own. I'm not available, then she'd go. It happens to a few other couples we know. I guess after the time together, and dancing with many others, it's not even a thought. But, for some, it's that old romcom problem can men and women just be friends?

 

[JournalInTime]

But, for some, it's that old romcom problem can men and women just be friends?

I've always believed that if a person has to ask the question, the answer is "no," whereas if they just shake their head and wonder why it's being asked, the answer is "yes."